A bunch of shirtless, Native American guys running around. Can we say "secret fetish," people? Yes, that is basically the movie New Moon. One huge piece of eye candy. I really enjoyed it, as you can tell. Phew. Just thinking about it makes me want to check a scale to see how many pounds I've sweated off. Haha, I made a funny.
Last Friday I had a Buffy-a-thon! That's where we watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer for hours. We watched it from 3-7pm, all the while eating chocolate fondue. It was lots of fun! Props to the members of the VC!
As usual, work has been going well. I'm lucky to work with such a group of nice people. The kids are great, too. Especailly with a little salt and pepper. Maybe a dash of hot sauce. Shaken, not stirred.
I was finally able to sit down and write out two pages of outline for my new story, Essence of Rayne. I can't even tell you how good that feels. Anyone interested in checking it out? Email me at legolacey@yahoo.com
Oh, and also Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope you all gain weight, so I can feel better about myself. Oh, no she didn't!
The following clip totally trashe's Twilight. Ah, I just can't resist it.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/107500/saturday-night-live-digital-short-firelight
Joke of the week:
Ponderisms
mark as unread
Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
Monday, November 23, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Vampire Club
It's official. I now have a little vampire club, consisting of a few poor souls and myself, and biggest freak of them all. Completely nerdy, right? Well, what can you do? NOT have fun? I don't think so.
This past Sat I went to my mother in laws house, Kathy, with a cooked meal and a cake and we celebrated her 21st birthday. Happy birthday, Kathy! We also watched Disney's "Up," a great little film. Not spectacular, but everyones a critic, right?
Ben has just been wonderful to me, as usual. I've totally been able to count on him to help keep the house clean. I would do the cooking, but what with my new low-carb diet going on, we just don't eat the same things anymore, so Ben won't even let me cook for him at times. Unbuuuuuuuuleavable. Sometimes I think he's way too good for me. Perhaps I'm right.
This little short below TOTALLY trashes Twilight. No worries, I'm still a die hard fan. It's good to not take yourself seriously from time to time.
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DdompotjTeIA&h=17e99c43310db60ad398b2e4e078b230
Check out my new funny picture on the right!
Joke of the week:
Actual Newspaper Headlines
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought!]
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
This past Sat I went to my mother in laws house, Kathy, with a cooked meal and a cake and we celebrated her 21st birthday. Happy birthday, Kathy! We also watched Disney's "Up," a great little film. Not spectacular, but everyones a critic, right?
Ben has just been wonderful to me, as usual. I've totally been able to count on him to help keep the house clean. I would do the cooking, but what with my new low-carb diet going on, we just don't eat the same things anymore, so Ben won't even let me cook for him at times. Unbuuuuuuuuleavable. Sometimes I think he's way too good for me. Perhaps I'm right.
This little short below TOTALLY trashes Twilight. No worries, I'm still a die hard fan. It's good to not take yourself seriously from time to time.
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DdompotjTeIA&h=17e99c43310db60ad398b2e4e078b230
Check out my new funny picture on the right!
Joke of the week:
Actual Newspaper Headlines
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought!]
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Monday, November 9, 2009
Halloween
Happy-after-Halloween-I've-got-a-headache-from-drinking-too-much everyone! I trust I fine that everyone has survived Halloween, only to move onto the over-commericalized Holiday Season called Christmas. That's right, people. It's not this "happy holidays" crap. It's only "merry Chirstmas" around here, douncha knoooow.
This following clip is toatlly rated PG, and is appropriate for everyone to see. It's a music video of the song "Love Me Dead" from the band Ludo. It's histerical, I promise!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCU1JYmGxcA
This last Halloween, I went out to my favorite Thai food place with a friend from my ward, as well as the teacher I work with. It was pleasant. That afternoon, I went to my mother-in-law's house, Kathy, and watched War of the Worlds and talked. A lot. One of the many things I love about that woman. Our ability to talk about anything for hours.
Ben and I came home earlier than planned, so we didn't have any candy to hand out to the cute kids who came by. So, instead, I handed out Weight Watchers food. Yea........."Have a healthy Halloween, kids. I know where you WON'T be going next year."
"Mommy, this food tastes funny..." "Yea, suck it up, kid. It's good fer ya." *grunt, grunt* *scratch, scratch*
Work has been going well, even though I've been given even MORE assignments to do, but oh well. What can I say? No? Yea, I actually like being employed, thank you very much.
I have lost my nanny job. They found someone else who can work all the hours they need. That's ok, I feel relieved. Now I have more time to write my new book, and just have fun!
Great news...My best friend from high school, Melissa, came by for dinner last night. She is such a doll! I love her more than ever. What a blessing to have her in my life.
I have disovered some things about my health that are not so great...one of my medications has caused me to be borderline diabetic. Also, my iron levels are low. So, I am now on a low carb diet, with plans to join a gym. I will change me medication at the end of the month, and I take iron suppliments and eat a spinach salad every night. Whew. Just what I need, more problems...but that's ok, because life goes on, and my health problems aren't totally serious yet.
Joke of the week: Also, check out the new picture on the right!
The Stella Awards
mark as unread
It's time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards." The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck of New Mexico who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States. Here are this year's winners:
7th Place: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
6th Place: 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
5th Place: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
1st Place: This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.
This following clip is toatlly rated PG, and is appropriate for everyone to see. It's a music video of the song "Love Me Dead" from the band Ludo. It's histerical, I promise!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCU1JYmGxcA
This last Halloween, I went out to my favorite Thai food place with a friend from my ward, as well as the teacher I work with. It was pleasant. That afternoon, I went to my mother-in-law's house, Kathy, and watched War of the Worlds and talked. A lot. One of the many things I love about that woman. Our ability to talk about anything for hours.
Ben and I came home earlier than planned, so we didn't have any candy to hand out to the cute kids who came by. So, instead, I handed out Weight Watchers food. Yea........."Have a healthy Halloween, kids. I know where you WON'T be going next year."
"Mommy, this food tastes funny..." "Yea, suck it up, kid. It's good fer ya." *grunt, grunt* *scratch, scratch*
Work has been going well, even though I've been given even MORE assignments to do, but oh well. What can I say? No? Yea, I actually like being employed, thank you very much.
I have lost my nanny job. They found someone else who can work all the hours they need. That's ok, I feel relieved. Now I have more time to write my new book, and just have fun!
Great news...My best friend from high school, Melissa, came by for dinner last night. She is such a doll! I love her more than ever. What a blessing to have her in my life.
I have disovered some things about my health that are not so great...one of my medications has caused me to be borderline diabetic. Also, my iron levels are low. So, I am now on a low carb diet, with plans to join a gym. I will change me medication at the end of the month, and I take iron suppliments and eat a spinach salad every night. Whew. Just what I need, more problems...but that's ok, because life goes on, and my health problems aren't totally serious yet.
Joke of the week: Also, check out the new picture on the right!
The Stella Awards
mark as unread
It's time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards." The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck of New Mexico who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States. Here are this year's winners:
7th Place: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
6th Place: 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
5th Place: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
1st Place: This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Vampirama!
Happy Monday! It's been the start of another great week. Saturday, I took my nieces to the Crazy Corn Maze in West Jordan. We even took them through the haunted section. Those ninnies. It wasn't scary at all. Of course, this is coming from the self-annointed Queen of Vampires. I hope I didn't scar those girls for life. Well, it'll toughin them up. Isn't that what life's about? Being tough?
So, have I said anything about getting my book edited? My editor did a thorough job, I must say. Yea, it was hard to take, but such is life. I've decided to start a whole new book, one that will have all of the suggestions that my editor has given me. It is good advice, and I do want to publish something someday. Might as well start anew.
Here is a little funny blurp from SNL. Again. This will become a habit. Warning: It IS PG-13.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/102965/saturday-night-live-beauty-and-the-beast
Don't forget to check out my inspirational picture on the right!
Also, my joke of the day:
Wisdom From the Military
mark as unread
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ... The pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common ex pressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...! "
"Friendly fire - isn't"
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
So, have I said anything about getting my book edited? My editor did a thorough job, I must say. Yea, it was hard to take, but such is life. I've decided to start a whole new book, one that will have all of the suggestions that my editor has given me. It is good advice, and I do want to publish something someday. Might as well start anew.
Here is a little funny blurp from SNL. Again. This will become a habit. Warning: It IS PG-13.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/102965/saturday-night-live-beauty-and-the-beast
Don't forget to check out my inspirational picture on the right!
Also, my joke of the day:
Wisdom From the Military
mark as unread
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ... The pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common ex pressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...! "
"Friendly fire - isn't"
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
Monday, October 19, 2009
Hobbie weekend...
Hey, everybody! It's Dr. Nick!
Only Simpsons watchers will get that.
I have another SNL short right here...WARNING: It's really PG-13. Everything is bleeped out, and it is REALLY funny, but be warned!
http://www.hulu.com/watch/1404/saturday-night-live-snl-digital-short-natalie-raps
So, this last weekend...in my exciting life..I ignored the house and concentrated on my hobbies. I felt so refreshed by the end of the weekend! It pays to play!
I watched all of season one of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Awesome. And I watched almost all of the Vampire Diaries. And I read books about vampires. Again...awesome.
Oh, and I fit in scripture reading on top of that.
Think I had time for Ben? Uuuhhhh, yea. Ben. I'm married to that guy, right?
Just kidding. I made time for my wonderful hubbie. He doesn't really care what I do...as long as I'm happy. Well, I'm happy being married to him.
I'd like to dedicate this blog to my mother, Laurel. She is the best mom ever! She listens patiently to my boring life, and even cares! Props to mom. Have a great week, people...and don't forget to order your Pamphered Chef from my sister in law Wende Batson! Check out the new pic on the right!
Joke of the day: BELIEVE it or not , These are REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich . Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
My Personal Favorite!!! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is……….
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police.
Only Simpsons watchers will get that.
I have another SNL short right here...WARNING: It's really PG-13. Everything is bleeped out, and it is REALLY funny, but be warned!
http://www.hulu.com/watch/1404/saturday-night-live-snl-digital-short-natalie-raps
So, this last weekend...in my exciting life..I ignored the house and concentrated on my hobbies. I felt so refreshed by the end of the weekend! It pays to play!
I watched all of season one of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Awesome. And I watched almost all of the Vampire Diaries. And I read books about vampires. Again...awesome.
Oh, and I fit in scripture reading on top of that.
Think I had time for Ben? Uuuhhhh, yea. Ben. I'm married to that guy, right?
Just kidding. I made time for my wonderful hubbie. He doesn't really care what I do...as long as I'm happy. Well, I'm happy being married to him.
I'd like to dedicate this blog to my mother, Laurel. She is the best mom ever! She listens patiently to my boring life, and even cares! Props to mom. Have a great week, people...and don't forget to order your Pamphered Chef from my sister in law Wende Batson! Check out the new pic on the right!
Joke of the day: BELIEVE it or not , These are REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich . Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
My Personal Favorite!!! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is……….
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police.
Monday, October 12, 2009
I throw it on the ground...
Yo, people! The title "I throw it on the ground" is brought to you by the SNL short about a rapping actor who throws things on the ground. Check it out!
http://www.hulu.com/watch/99944/saturday-night-live-digital-short-on-the-ground
It's too funny, I promise. Hey, have I ever lied to you? ... Ever? ... Well, let's not go into that.
I was sick yesterday, and stayed home from church. It's a sucky feeling.
I have been reading a great series about the "Night World" by L.J. Smith. It's totally awesome! It's clean, for a series about vampires and werewolves.
A little tip from me, something to make life a bit more entertaining...talk in a Minnesota accent as much as you can. In fact, my new voicemail is a Sarah Palin spoof, so call my phone and listen to it! It's fuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnyyyy.
And speaking of funny, again, check out my new picture on the right. That mouse has been in a lab for faaaaaaaarrrrrr too long.
Life is pretty good...can't complain much. Well, I want to, but not publically. Know what I mean? Ok, that's all for now.
Joke of the day:
Healthy Level of Insanity
mark as unread
How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'.
3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing along at the Opera.
6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
8. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/99944/saturday-night-live-digital-short-on-the-ground
It's too funny, I promise. Hey, have I ever lied to you? ... Ever? ... Well, let's not go into that.
I was sick yesterday, and stayed home from church. It's a sucky feeling.
I have been reading a great series about the "Night World" by L.J. Smith. It's totally awesome! It's clean, for a series about vampires and werewolves.
A little tip from me, something to make life a bit more entertaining...talk in a Minnesota accent as much as you can. In fact, my new voicemail is a Sarah Palin spoof, so call my phone and listen to it! It's fuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnyyyy.
And speaking of funny, again, check out my new picture on the right. That mouse has been in a lab for faaaaaaaarrrrrr too long.
Life is pretty good...can't complain much. Well, I want to, but not publically. Know what I mean? Ok, that's all for now.
Joke of the day:
Healthy Level of Insanity
mark as unread
How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'.
3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing along at the Opera.
6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
8. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
Monday, October 5, 2009
UEA
I have been off of work since last Thursday because of UEA. Bless the education system. I have been able to keep up with visiting a few friends, going to do sessions at the Temple, and I have been watching Conference with my sister Kat. She fed me the most delicious maple pumpkin cake. Crap, that woman can bake! She spoils me. Every girl should cook for their siblings. It's in their sister contract. Ha. That reminds me. My father used to say he was allowed to humiliate me, because it was in his "daddy contract." I just know I'm going to use that one on my future kids. Heck, I might even use it on the kids I work with now...
..."I'm allowed to torture you...it's in my nanny contract...now shut up and go get the duct tape." lol
I'd like to dedicate this blog to my sister-in-law Wende. Wende, you are the best. I have complete faith in your writing abilities! I'm your biggest fan! Everyone should know what a neat, easy-going, intelligent, kind-hearted, beautiful woman Wende is.
I hope I've thoroughly embarrassed you, Wende. I'm allowed to do that. It's in my sister-in-law contract. Brahahha!
Joke of the day:
Thoughts from 25-35 year olds
mark as unread
-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
-There is a great need for sarcasm font.
-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.
-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and I instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories
-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
..."I'm allowed to torture you...it's in my nanny contract...now shut up and go get the duct tape." lol
I'd like to dedicate this blog to my sister-in-law Wende. Wende, you are the best. I have complete faith in your writing abilities! I'm your biggest fan! Everyone should know what a neat, easy-going, intelligent, kind-hearted, beautiful woman Wende is.
I hope I've thoroughly embarrassed you, Wende. I'm allowed to do that. It's in my sister-in-law contract. Brahahha!
Joke of the day:
Thoughts from 25-35 year olds
mark as unread
-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
-There is a great need for sarcasm font.
-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.
-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and I instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories
-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Ben is back!
Hip hip huzzah! Meine liebe is back! Poor Ben has worked so hard at his day job and at the Fair, his feet were bleeding when I massaged his tootsies a few days ago. What a great, hard working guy! And when I came home today, the dishes were done and he was cooking dinner. Where did he drop from, heaven??? Ouch. Hard landing.
I now have 3, count that, 3 freakin jobs. I work as a Teacher's Aid, and as a nanny, and now I work after school as well. I stinkin live at Redwood Elementary. I know what you're thinking...la-di-freakin-dah, she works 3 jobs. Well, I'm a bit stressed, but it's good for me to be so busy. I feel better, mentally, that way. My friend at work job me a huge Dr. Pepper, and I totally needed the sugar and caffeine to keep me going. I even offered some of it to the teacher I work with, Amanda. She gratefully took a few sips. I'm not a germaphobe or anything, so it's no biggie.
I now have 3, count that, 3 freakin jobs. I work as a Teacher's Aid, and as a nanny, and now I work after school as well. I stinkin live at Redwood Elementary. I know what you're thinking...la-di-freakin-dah, she works 3 jobs. Well, I'm a bit stressed, but it's good for me to be so busy. I feel better, mentally, that way. My friend at work job me a huge Dr. Pepper, and I totally needed the sugar and caffeine to keep me going. I even offered some of it to the teacher I work with, Amanda. She gratefully took a few sips. I'm not a germaphobe or anything, so it's no biggie.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Boo-hoo!
Ben is working at the Utah State Fair, as well as his usual day job (offing gophers with a shot gun...man I'm jealous) for the rest of this week. Boo-hoo! I'm so alone!
Not really alone...I still have peeps to hang with. So I'd like to thank all the individuals who hang out with me in my pathetic, I-can't-stand-being-alone stage. Don't worry, I'll get over it. Someday. So, in the meantime, I eat whatever I want...not that Ben holds me back or anything. It's just that I know he doesn't like cereal for dinner every night. Something about proper nutrition, I don't know. But still, it's great eating breakfast foods every night, especially since I have to do the dishes now. Yep, just a bowl and a spoon for me!
That's right, people. Ben always does all the dishes for me. Isn't he great? I'm UNBULEAVABLY lazy. I do have a good excuse for my laziness, though. Just give me a second to think of one....nope. Fresh out of lame-butt excuses. How about it, anyone? Anyone want to make up an excuse for me? Oh, I've got it. I'm busy pursuing my career as an author. Yea, that's a good one. Makes me sound so serious and motivated...so un-me.
Seriously, though, I just found out that I have a good reputation at work. Wow. I've worked have for that, so that is a nice compliment. Life is going good. Warning: The following joke is a little off beat. Enjoy!
Joke of the day:
top 50 childrens book that didnt quite work
mark as unread
1. You are Different and That’s Bad
2. Take a Walk Down the Railroad Tracks with Me
3. Dad’s New Wife ‘Greg’
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An "I-Can-Do-It" Book:
6. A Children's Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mommy Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. How to Kick Ass At School
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. Adoption: A Fresh Start
13. Grandpa's new Casket
14. Fun With Abandoned Refrigerators
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get your Way
19. Why You Were An Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes Froggy, And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
23. Nightmares: Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid
24. A Child's Guide to Final Arrangments
25. Eggs, Toilet paper, and your School
26. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
29. The Surprise at the Bottom of the Pool
30. If It Feels Good, Touch It!
31. Making Grown-Up Friends On The Internet
32. 101 Fun Games To Play In The Road
33. You Can’t Help It If You’re Stupid
34. Patty Went Splat! (Don’t YOU Forget Your Seatbelt)
35. Bullies Have More Fun
36. Mommy’s Got A New Baby To Love
37. Timmy’s The Wrong Color To Be Your Friend
38. I Dare You! 101 Challenges To Prove You’re Not A Sissy
39. Michael Jackson’s “Fun” Place
40. Harry Potter and the Stoned Sorcerer
41. I Am My Own Grandpa
42. Who’s My Daddy?
43. Fatherhood: A Guide for the Adolescent
44. Small Objects and Electrical Outlets
45. Different Daddies Each Day of the Week
46. Operation and Nomenclature of the Colt 1911-A1 .45 ACP
47. Little Hands, Big Toasters
48. How To Make A Plastic Bag Space Helmet
49. Santa Claus And Other Lies Your Parents Told You
50. Fun With Things Under The Kitchen Sink
Not really alone...I still have peeps to hang with. So I'd like to thank all the individuals who hang out with me in my pathetic, I-can't-stand-being-alone stage. Don't worry, I'll get over it. Someday. So, in the meantime, I eat whatever I want...not that Ben holds me back or anything. It's just that I know he doesn't like cereal for dinner every night. Something about proper nutrition, I don't know. But still, it's great eating breakfast foods every night, especially since I have to do the dishes now. Yep, just a bowl and a spoon for me!
That's right, people. Ben always does all the dishes for me. Isn't he great? I'm UNBULEAVABLY lazy. I do have a good excuse for my laziness, though. Just give me a second to think of one....nope. Fresh out of lame-butt excuses. How about it, anyone? Anyone want to make up an excuse for me? Oh, I've got it. I'm busy pursuing my career as an author. Yea, that's a good one. Makes me sound so serious and motivated...so un-me.
Seriously, though, I just found out that I have a good reputation at work. Wow. I've worked have for that, so that is a nice compliment. Life is going good. Warning: The following joke is a little off beat. Enjoy!
Joke of the day:
top 50 childrens book that didnt quite work
mark as unread
1. You are Different and That’s Bad
2. Take a Walk Down the Railroad Tracks with Me
3. Dad’s New Wife ‘Greg’
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An "I-Can-Do-It" Book:
6. A Children's Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mommy Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. How to Kick Ass At School
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. Adoption: A Fresh Start
13. Grandpa's new Casket
14. Fun With Abandoned Refrigerators
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get your Way
19. Why You Were An Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes Froggy, And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
23. Nightmares: Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid
24. A Child's Guide to Final Arrangments
25. Eggs, Toilet paper, and your School
26. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
29. The Surprise at the Bottom of the Pool
30. If It Feels Good, Touch It!
31. Making Grown-Up Friends On The Internet
32. 101 Fun Games To Play In The Road
33. You Can’t Help It If You’re Stupid
34. Patty Went Splat! (Don’t YOU Forget Your Seatbelt)
35. Bullies Have More Fun
36. Mommy’s Got A New Baby To Love
37. Timmy’s The Wrong Color To Be Your Friend
38. I Dare You! 101 Challenges To Prove You’re Not A Sissy
39. Michael Jackson’s “Fun” Place
40. Harry Potter and the Stoned Sorcerer
41. I Am My Own Grandpa
42. Who’s My Daddy?
43. Fatherhood: A Guide for the Adolescent
44. Small Objects and Electrical Outlets
45. Different Daddies Each Day of the Week
46. Operation and Nomenclature of the Colt 1911-A1 .45 ACP
47. Little Hands, Big Toasters
48. How To Make A Plastic Bag Space Helmet
49. Santa Claus And Other Lies Your Parents Told You
50. Fun With Things Under The Kitchen Sink
Saturday, September 5, 2009
School...
Life is crazy busy most times...what with two jobs and all. But life isgood. I just got back in touch with an old friend Melissa Chung...It's awesome. She's a great friend from the old days of attending Las Vegas Academy.
I am quite occupied at Redwood Elementary. I don't care what other people think of 6th graders...they are fantastic. I love working with them. The teacher I work with, Ms. Thompson, is fun and kind. Most of the staff at the school is nice, and I enjoy talking with them. It's theraputic. Especially when I want to take some students and stuff them into the ventallation shafts. Just some of them. Most are great.
My other job is going ok too...it will take a little while for the kids to adjust to me again, but I'm sure things will work out well.
Joke of the day:
The Great Debate
mark as unread
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.
So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
I am quite occupied at Redwood Elementary. I don't care what other people think of 6th graders...they are fantastic. I love working with them. The teacher I work with, Ms. Thompson, is fun and kind. Most of the staff at the school is nice, and I enjoy talking with them. It's theraputic. Especially when I want to take some students and stuff them into the ventallation shafts. Just some of them. Most are great.
My other job is going ok too...it will take a little while for the kids to adjust to me again, but I'm sure things will work out well.
Joke of the day:
The Great Debate
mark as unread
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.
So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
Monday, August 17, 2009
Funerals
Just to answer the poll I had going to the side here...What is my book about? The answer is 'intergalactic vampires.' Thank you to those who participated.
So I have just returned from the second funeral in two weeks. The first time was in Cedar City, and the second was in Las Vegas. What an emotional rollercoaster. My sympathies to the families.
On a happier note, I have had an opportuniy to see much of my wonderful close and extended family. I love them all so much. It was so nice to see Gary, Jeremy, Wende and Heather. What stupendous people. I won the family lottery.
And a quick shout out to my old friend, who is practically my brother, Jason Linebarger. He paid for Ben and I to go and see the Titanic Exibition. Thanks, Jason! It was a really emotional exibition, and really well put together. It's also haunted. Brahahahaha!
Our computer is fixed and back! I don't know if my flashdrive is compatable, so I can write on the laptop, but I will find out tomorrow. Cross your fingers, people!
I had my orientation for my job as a Teacher's Aid at Redwood Elementary today. I LOVE my boss. She is so kind and intelligent. The whole crew of workers all seem so pleasant... I look forward to working with them!
Joke of the day:
A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.
While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic !
1. Don't change horses .......until they stop running.
2. Strike while the .............................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before ......Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ............termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ........how?
6. Don't bite the hand that .................looks dirty.
7. No news is ..........................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a ............Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ............... math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ..............stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust .............. me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ................... pigs.
13. An idle mind is .............the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ................. pollution.
15. Happy the bride who ............gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ......................not much.
17. Two's company, three's .............. the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what .......... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ...........you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ............Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ...............spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed .........get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you .......see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind .... get out of the way.
And the WINNER and the last one...
25. Better late than .............pregnant! __._,_.___
So I have just returned from the second funeral in two weeks. The first time was in Cedar City, and the second was in Las Vegas. What an emotional rollercoaster. My sympathies to the families.
On a happier note, I have had an opportuniy to see much of my wonderful close and extended family. I love them all so much. It was so nice to see Gary, Jeremy, Wende and Heather. What stupendous people. I won the family lottery.
And a quick shout out to my old friend, who is practically my brother, Jason Linebarger. He paid for Ben and I to go and see the Titanic Exibition. Thanks, Jason! It was a really emotional exibition, and really well put together. It's also haunted. Brahahahaha!
Our computer is fixed and back! I don't know if my flashdrive is compatable, so I can write on the laptop, but I will find out tomorrow. Cross your fingers, people!
I had my orientation for my job as a Teacher's Aid at Redwood Elementary today. I LOVE my boss. She is so kind and intelligent. The whole crew of workers all seem so pleasant... I look forward to working with them!
Joke of the day:
A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.
While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic !
1. Don't change horses .......until they stop running.
2. Strike while the .............................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before ......Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ............termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ........how?
6. Don't bite the hand that .................looks dirty.
7. No news is ..........................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a ............Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ............... math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ..............stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust .............. me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ................... pigs.
13. An idle mind is .............the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ................. pollution.
15. Happy the bride who ............gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ......................not much.
17. Two's company, three's .............. the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what .......... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ...........you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ............Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ...............spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed .........get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you .......see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind .... get out of the way.
And the WINNER and the last one...
25. Better late than .............pregnant! __._,_.___
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
A Day Off
I was off of work yesterday. I mostly just took it easy (you can tell these are pre-kids days). Heidi got my computer fixed! Thanks Heidi! She will probably have it mailed to me this week. Good thing, too, because I am going crazy without being able to work on my story! Know what I mean? You just think of something over and over again...but there is nothing you can do about it. Arguh! It's like wanting the Cubs to win. (That one was for my father...a huge Cubs fan)
We went to a neighborhood block party last night. It was nice to meet with the locals, as well as the law enforcement and firepeople that came to visit. Ben and I arew big fans of people who work those kind of jobs. They are the real heroes. I met up with my friend Renee, and she is working on reading my book. She said many kind things about it, and she gave me much encouragement. I really appreciate people like that in my life.
I'd like to dedicate this blog to my cousin Jason McDonald, who passed away recently. May God watch over the entire McDonald clan.
Joke of the day: Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
People, don't forget to vote on my question to the right>>>>
We went to a neighborhood block party last night. It was nice to meet with the locals, as well as the law enforcement and firepeople that came to visit. Ben and I arew big fans of people who work those kind of jobs. They are the real heroes. I met up with my friend Renee, and she is working on reading my book. She said many kind things about it, and she gave me much encouragement. I really appreciate people like that in my life.
I'd like to dedicate this blog to my cousin Jason McDonald, who passed away recently. May God watch over the entire McDonald clan.
Joke of the day: Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
People, don't forget to vote on my question to the right>>>>
Monday, August 3, 2009
Long time, no see...
Hello people! Crap, it's been a long time. Not that my life is essential to anyone's well-being or anything. So here is how things are going now. I am nannying two wonderful kids, Ashley (6) and Brandon (9). They are good kids, and are super easy to watch. We go swimming nearly every day, and I try to take them to the park or somewhere every morning. We have lots of fun. The parents are easy going and treat me like family. Aw, it's going good. I have recently finished writing my book, Fighting Alias, and a good friend of mine is editing it for me. I just hope I can handle being told it's crap! Still, women are telling me that they enjoy the romance and the fighting scenes. Goooooooood, goooooooooood.
Here is my quote of the day: Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Nothing personal...lol.
Everyone check out my facebook page under Lacey Batson. Love ya!
Here is my quote of the day: Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Nothing personal...lol.
Everyone check out my facebook page under Lacey Batson. Love ya!
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Conference
Hello everyone! A number of weeks ago, I went to Idaho with my sister Kat to visit Jamie Black, my adopted brother, and his family. They are such wonderful people, I love them sooooooooooo much! Dad flew in as well, and I had a good time picking on him, oops, I mean talking to him. Really, he is a great sport, and I love to tease him when I can. I'm not the only one who likes to tease; Jamie is hilarious, and enjoys teasing his sisters when he can. In the morning, I asked if the shower was available, and he said no! He told me that I had to use a hose slung over a tree in the back yard instead. What a kidder!
Work has been going well. I have been having fun socializing with my peers at work. The teachers and staff at Eisenhower JrH are amazing! I have been enjoying nannying the boys as well. They have been very well behaved for me; I am so proud of them! I got them a treat last week, and they were so happy about it and appreciative! I can't wait to take them all kinds of places this summer!
Conference is this weekend; I have been listening religiously (pun intended) to it. I love hearing the advice and encouragement from the leaders for the church! It's so great that we are led by such steady and pure-hearted people!
I'd like to dedicate this section to a good friend of mine named Barbara. I visit her every Sunday, and she is a great friend to me. She is a strong-minded, faithful, kind person, and I love her very much! Thank you, Barbara, for being a loyal and encouraging friend. My life is better because I know you.
Ok, people, have a great week!
Joke of the day:
Things To Do On An Elevator
mark as unread
Things to do on an Elevator
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.”
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.”
14) WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!”
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don’t exist.
22) CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it.
Work has been going well. I have been having fun socializing with my peers at work. The teachers and staff at Eisenhower JrH are amazing! I have been enjoying nannying the boys as well. They have been very well behaved for me; I am so proud of them! I got them a treat last week, and they were so happy about it and appreciative! I can't wait to take them all kinds of places this summer!
Conference is this weekend; I have been listening religiously (pun intended) to it. I love hearing the advice and encouragement from the leaders for the church! It's so great that we are led by such steady and pure-hearted people!
I'd like to dedicate this section to a good friend of mine named Barbara. I visit her every Sunday, and she is a great friend to me. She is a strong-minded, faithful, kind person, and I love her very much! Thank you, Barbara, for being a loyal and encouraging friend. My life is better because I know you.
Ok, people, have a great week!
Joke of the day:
Things To Do On An Elevator
mark as unread
Things to do on an Elevator
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.”
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.”
14) WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!”
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don’t exist.
22) CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Valentines
I hope everyone had a great Valentine's Day! Ben took me to a restaurant called Z Tejas. It's a Southwestern chain, and I had really good food! The vice-presidents to the Utah Jazz were sitting near us. The following Monday I didn't have to work, and I laid around and meditated. I'm a bit stressed from both jobs, so I meditate any time I have time. I play Enya music, sit in the chair that rocks, use muscle relaxation, and just sit or rock for the longest time. I got a professional massage from a woman in the ward. She was so professional and efficient, I loved it! I'm sick right now with a cough, which I probably got from the boys I nanny. I'm not upset or anything, that's just what happens when you work with kids. Everyone at Eisenhower Jr High was real sympathetic, which I appreciated. Who doesn't love attention? We had spirit week at school, and the kids got to wear all kinds of interesting outfits all week. We had an assembly, at the kids and teachers alike danced. I enjoyed it immensely. Heidi sent me the funniest text! It read:
Dear Diary,
Today I made Carlisle think he was in love with Edward. Again.
Love, Jasper
So I sent her one of my own today:
Dear Diary,
Glued a scratch and sniff sticker to the bottom of a pool. The dumb blonde inhaled a lot of water, but didn't drown. Damn.
Love, Jacob
Lets put a vote to it, people! Which one do you think is funnier? Send your vote to legolacey@yahoo.com
Joke of the day: Warning! If you're sensitive, don't read it!
NEw rules
mark as unread
These should be the rules of the real world.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids:.... lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: Stop sending me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chilli. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months: "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.
Dear Diary,
Today I made Carlisle think he was in love with Edward. Again.
Love, Jasper
So I sent her one of my own today:
Dear Diary,
Glued a scratch and sniff sticker to the bottom of a pool. The dumb blonde inhaled a lot of water, but didn't drown. Damn.
Love, Jacob
Lets put a vote to it, people! Which one do you think is funnier? Send your vote to legolacey@yahoo.com
Joke of the day: Warning! If you're sensitive, don't read it!
NEw rules
mark as unread
These should be the rules of the real world.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids:.... lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: Stop sending me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chilli. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months: "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
A Break, for a Change
Happy Saturday people! I have done next to nothing this Saturday morning. That's a change! Usually I'm running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. Well, I did clean the house, but that's a given. I'd like to thank my sister Kat for letting me go to her house on Sunday mornings to work on my story. It means a lot to me!
Guess what I think I might do today? That's right, folks! Go see Twilight again! Aw, it's worth it. Props to people who understand my little obsession.
This week was good. I love writing while at work, and I sometimes pull out a page a day. That's pretty good, considering how I type sporadically throughout the day.
I ran into some behavioral problems with one of the boys I watch, but it was solved within the night. I called the mother, and she spoke to the child and straightened him out. He is normally a very loving child, so I'm not concerned. I showed the boys starwarsspoofs.com and they loved it! They laughed so hard. It's a great site, people; check it out! Your kids will love it too!
Joke of the week:
Top 50 OXYMORONS
50. Act naturally 49. Found missing 48. Resident alien 47. Advanced BASIC 46. Genuine imitation 45. Airline Food 44. Good grief 43. Same difference 42. Almost exactly 41. Government organization 40. Sanitary landfill 39. Alone together 38. Legally drunk 37. Silent scream 36. British fashion 35. Living dead 34. Small crowd 33. Business ethics 32. Soft rock 31. Butt Head 30. Military Intelligence 29. Software documentation 28. New York culture 27. New classic 26. Sweet sorrow 25. Childproof 24. "Now, then ..." 23. Synthetic natural gas 22. Christian Scientists 21. Passive aggression 20. Taped live 19. Clearly misunderstood 18. Peace force 17. Extinct Life 16. Temporary tax increase 15. Computer jock 14. Plastic glasses 13. Terribly pleased 12. Computer security 11. Political science 10. Tight slacks 9. Definite maybe 8. Pretty ugly 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake 6. Diet ice cream 5. Rap music 4. Working vacation 3. Exact estimate 2. Religious tolerance 1. Microsoft Works
Guess what I think I might do today? That's right, folks! Go see Twilight again! Aw, it's worth it. Props to people who understand my little obsession.
This week was good. I love writing while at work, and I sometimes pull out a page a day. That's pretty good, considering how I type sporadically throughout the day.
I ran into some behavioral problems with one of the boys I watch, but it was solved within the night. I called the mother, and she spoke to the child and straightened him out. He is normally a very loving child, so I'm not concerned. I showed the boys starwarsspoofs.com and they loved it! They laughed so hard. It's a great site, people; check it out! Your kids will love it too!
Joke of the week:
Top 50 OXYMORONS
50. Act naturally 49. Found missing 48. Resident alien 47. Advanced BASIC 46. Genuine imitation 45. Airline Food 44. Good grief 43. Same difference 42. Almost exactly 41. Government organization 40. Sanitary landfill 39. Alone together 38. Legally drunk 37. Silent scream 36. British fashion 35. Living dead 34. Small crowd 33. Business ethics 32. Soft rock 31. Butt Head 30. Military Intelligence 29. Software documentation 28. New York culture 27. New classic 26. Sweet sorrow 25. Childproof 24. "Now, then ..." 23. Synthetic natural gas 22. Christian Scientists 21. Passive aggression 20. Taped live 19. Clearly misunderstood 18. Peace force 17. Extinct Life 16. Temporary tax increase 15. Computer jock 14. Plastic glasses 13. Terribly pleased 12. Computer security 11. Political science 10. Tight slacks 9. Definite maybe 8. Pretty ugly 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake 6. Diet ice cream 5. Rap music 4. Working vacation 3. Exact estimate 2. Religious tolerance 1. Microsoft Works
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Busy Week
Hey, how is everybody doing? My husband just started this great new blog called http://crazy-liberals.blogspot.com everyone should check it out!
I'm a bit tired from a busy week, but who isn't? I have been very busy working on my story at my teacher's aid job. I'm lucky I have time to do it there; very few people can actually write at their job. I wrote in a few fight scenes. Man, writing is one of my passions.
This morning I went to a relief society brunch, and visited with my sister Kat. This afternoon we are going to watch The Dutchess.
Last night I saw Eagle Eye. It's a great movie people, check it out!
I had a good time nannying the boys. We made soem candy from an Easter candy set--it made a mess in the kitchen, but was lots of fun!
Joke of the week:
Young Chuck moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next Day he drove up and said, "Sorry, Son, but I have some bad news, The horse died."
Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened With that dead horse?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a Piece and made a net profit of $898.00."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Chuck grew up and now works for the government.
I'm a bit tired from a busy week, but who isn't? I have been very busy working on my story at my teacher's aid job. I'm lucky I have time to do it there; very few people can actually write at their job. I wrote in a few fight scenes. Man, writing is one of my passions.
This morning I went to a relief society brunch, and visited with my sister Kat. This afternoon we are going to watch The Dutchess.
Last night I saw Eagle Eye. It's a great movie people, check it out!
I had a good time nannying the boys. We made soem candy from an Easter candy set--it made a mess in the kitchen, but was lots of fun!
Joke of the week:
Young Chuck moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next Day he drove up and said, "Sorry, Son, but I have some bad news, The horse died."
Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened With that dead horse?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a Piece and made a net profit of $898.00."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Chuck grew up and now works for the government.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Holidays
It's been awhile since I've written anything. Christmas was great. I'd like to thank everyone for the wonderful gifts they gave me! I have to admit, though---giving gifts is my favorite part of Christmas. I gave my sister Kat some Twilight memorabilia. I hope she likes it!
Ben is working towards becoming a member of the LDS Church's Security. He needs to become a policeman first in order to qualify for the Church's training program. I'm so proud of him! I got him a charcoal grill. He refuses to use it because it is too "cold." If Cliff Huxtable can do it, so can Ben. Come to think of it, so can I. Maybe I will.
Aw, meat. I'm a meatatarian. It's a lifestyle choice.
My brother Eric came to Utah for New Years. It was great too see his family. He's an awesome dad. I tried sushi for the first time. Now I can't get enough of it! Ben and I went to Temple Square to see the lights. As usual, the church really does a great job at making Chirstmas magical.
I've officially seen the movie Twilight four times. The girls at my job have seen it six times, and I have every intention of matching that. No, I'm not in competition or anything...Brahahha!
I love my job at Eisenhower Jr High. I'm getting to know some of the kids, and I think they're great. Even the little crap heads.
No, nevermind. I don't like those ones.
I have a second job now as a nanny for three wonderful kids out in Draper, which is south of Salt Lake. By like about 150 miles. Or so it seems. The boys, Thomas, Ryan and James, are just great! They are super smart and lots of fun. They like talking to me so much, I have to make them take turns! Aw, aren't people just great right before they get jaded and stop caring about what you think?
Or is that just me I'm thinking of?
Little shout out: I love you Heidi!
By the way, my sister-in-law Wende is really sick, so please remember her in your prayers! We love you Wende!
Joke of the day:
The Rules of Writing
mark as unread
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And finally...
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Ben is working towards becoming a member of the LDS Church's Security. He needs to become a policeman first in order to qualify for the Church's training program. I'm so proud of him! I got him a charcoal grill. He refuses to use it because it is too "cold." If Cliff Huxtable can do it, so can Ben. Come to think of it, so can I. Maybe I will.
Aw, meat. I'm a meatatarian. It's a lifestyle choice.
My brother Eric came to Utah for New Years. It was great too see his family. He's an awesome dad. I tried sushi for the first time. Now I can't get enough of it! Ben and I went to Temple Square to see the lights. As usual, the church really does a great job at making Chirstmas magical.
I've officially seen the movie Twilight four times. The girls at my job have seen it six times, and I have every intention of matching that. No, I'm not in competition or anything...Brahahha!
I love my job at Eisenhower Jr High. I'm getting to know some of the kids, and I think they're great. Even the little crap heads.
No, nevermind. I don't like those ones.
I have a second job now as a nanny for three wonderful kids out in Draper, which is south of Salt Lake. By like about 150 miles. Or so it seems. The boys, Thomas, Ryan and James, are just great! They are super smart and lots of fun. They like talking to me so much, I have to make them take turns! Aw, aren't people just great right before they get jaded and stop caring about what you think?
Or is that just me I'm thinking of?
Little shout out: I love you Heidi!
By the way, my sister-in-law Wende is really sick, so please remember her in your prayers! We love you Wende!
Joke of the day:
The Rules of Writing
mark as unread
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And finally...
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
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