Monday, December 27, 2010


Christmas is so much fun! Minus all those annoying little crazy traffic, undercooked leftovers that make you throw up (yep, really happened---and I was the one who cooked it, too), and so on.
Christmas Eve, we ate a "breakfast" lunch at Katrina's. She is such a great cook and host. Richard even bullied me around a bit. It's all in good fun. That night, we went to my brother-in-law's house for dinner and to have a white elephant gift party. My nieces are learning to open up the gifts that I bring...they are the least stupid out of all the gifts that everyone brings. Keeping in mind that stupid gifts are sorta the point.
Thank you to everyone who got us such thoughtful and wonderful presents! Ben and I really appreciate it!
Christmas day we watched funny online videos in the morning, then visited Ben's other brother, oo'ing and aw'ing over what they got for Christmas. I'm telling you they didn't have this kind of cool stuff when we were kids. We were lucky to have an iron hoop that we rolled down frozen streets with a wet noodle. My dad says all that exercise was good for me, like how he used to run away from yaks as a kid.
Can't trust yaks. Temperamental things.
We saw the new Narnia movie with Ben's mom and other brother. It was lots of fun...not as much fun as yaks, but I make do. Then we visited with Ben's father and his wife. They fed me bread and water. No joke. But hey, I literally asked for it, so there you are.
Chuck Norris fact of the day:
Chuck Norris has never worn glasses in his life. If he can't see it, then it doesn't exist.
Video link of the day:
Joke of the day: WARNING: It is PG-13!


Rules from men to women:
Men are NOT mind readers.
Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Sunday sports . It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
If you won’t dress like the Victoria ’s Secret girls, don’t Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .
Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Rules from men to men:
1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse b) After wrecking your boss' Ferrari c) When your date is using her teeth
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes
7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
11. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.
12. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
13. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
14. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?
15. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
16. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.
If you're a guy: You will laugh a little and realize how true this is!
If you're a woman: Laugh and roll your eyes at our stupidity!

Friday, December 17, 2010

Christmas Break

Guess what day it is? No, not National Worship Lacey endless petitions to the government on that have been ignored for some reason. Can't imagine why. Today is the first day of my Christmas Break. And yes, I will be egging someone's house to celebrate.
Ok, so maybe egging is a bit extreme. How about I try and wrap some presents instead? I mean, when it comes to me, Extreme Wrapping is a sport. You see, a combination of: me, tape, wrapping paper, and scissors is never a good thing. The resulting "wrapped" present looks like I blindfolded myself, used a cleaver instead of a decent pair of scissors, and asked a 3 year old to help me wrap. And gave them the cleaver.
No kidding. Asking me to wrap a present is like asking Obama to stop trying and take over the world.
See? It's impossible.
Here is the video link on the day...Instructions: Watch this first video all the way through...(I know, try), and then watch the second video. You will laugh till you pee.
And now this video:
Good stuff, huh? And now for the Chuck Norris fact of the day:
Chuck Norris was in all 6 Star Wars the Force.
And now the Joke of the Day:

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are won't to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Thank you for reading, everyone! And don't forget to check out the latest funny picture on the right!

Saturday, November 27, 2010


Happy shopping weekend everyone! I hope you had a great Thanksgiving. I surely did! The food was great. Especially the mashed potatoes. Oh, wait...I made those. What can I say, I rock at cook---I mean everyone did a great job contributing the food they made.
I had a chance to go visit my aunt in New Harmony along with my mother, sister, brother, and their families. It was so nice seeing everyone! We went out beating in mail boxes with baseball bats. Or was that a dream I had last night? Oh, ok. It was just in my head. But it's something I'd like to try someday. Like the day it becomes legal. I think I'll be waiting awhile for that one to happen. My brother in law is a cop...maybe he could put in a good word for me?
I have recently started a new job working for the Salt Lake City School District as a Group Leader in the after school program at an elementary. The kids are soooo cute! I'd love to take them home, wrap them up in glittery paper, and hand them out as stocking stuffers for Christmas.
I've got to stop having these little fantasies.
Now for the Joke of the Day!

Useless Inventions
1. Non stick Cellotape 2. Solar Powered Flash Light 3. A black highlighter pen 4. Glow in the dark sunglasses 5. Inflatable Anchor 6. Smooth Sandpaper 7. Waterproof sponge 8. Waterproof Teabags 9. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators 10. Fireproof Matches 11. Fireproof Cigarettes 12. Battery powered Battery Charger 13. Seatbelts for Motorbikes 14. Hand powered Chainsaw 15. Inflatable Dartboard 16. Silent Alarm Clock 17. A Pedal powered wheelchair 18. Braille Drivers Manual 19. Double sided playing cards 20. Ejector seats for Helicopters

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day everyone! Remember, clap if you think Valentines Day is an excuse to eat chocolate. Believe, somewhere, somehow, I will hear you!
We had some parties at school on Friday. Those little sweethearts (yes, I'm referring to 6th graders) gave me so much candy, I can feel myself expanding through osmosis. Women everywhere know what I mean.
Ben is starting work for the census in about a week. I won't see much of him, and I will actually have to start doing (*gasp*!) housework! Heaven forbid I actually do anything other than be lazy when I get home! Men, you know how I feel...
Oh, that was funny, and you know it.
The following clip is a thumbs up to all of you Monty Pithon and the Holy Grail/ Star Trek fans! It is appropriate for all ages.
Joke of the day: It is PG!

Marijuana in the kitchen!

A lady writes in to her local newspaper's advice column: Hi, I think that my son might have a marijuana plant growing in my kitchen. What should I do?
The next day, the answer was posted in the paper: Take some of the leaves, cut them up, mix them in with some tobacco, roll it into a cigarette and smoke it. If you're still worried afterwards, then it's a sunflower.

Not that I would know anything about that kind of stuff...I promise. Just ask my parole officer.
Check out my new pic to the right!

Monday, November 23, 2009

New Moon

A bunch of shirtless, Native American guys running around. Can we say "secret fetish," people? Yes, that is basically the movie New Moon. One huge piece of eye candy. I really enjoyed it, as you can tell. Phew. Just thinking about it makes me want to check a scale to see how many pounds I've sweated off. Haha, I made a funny.
Last Friday I had a Buffy-a-thon! That's where we watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer for hours. We watched it from 3-7pm, all the while eating chocolate fondue. It was lots of fun! Props to the members of the VC!
As usual, work has been going well. I'm lucky to work with such a group of nice people. The kids are great, too. Especailly with a little salt and pepper. Maybe a dash of hot sauce. Shaken, not stirred.
I was finally able to sit down and write out two pages of outline for my new story, Essence of Rayne. I can't even tell you how good that feels. Anyone interested in checking it out? Email me at
Oh, and also Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope you all gain weight, so I can feel better about myself. Oh, no she didn't!
The following clip totally trashe's Twilight. Ah, I just can't resist it.
Joke of the week:
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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

Monday, November 16, 2009

Vampire Club

It's official. I now have a little vampire club, consisting of a few poor souls and myself, and biggest freak of them all. Completely nerdy, right? Well, what can you do? NOT have fun? I don't think so.
This past Sat I went to my mother in laws house, Kathy, with a cooked meal and a cake and we celebrated her 21st birthday. Happy birthday, Kathy! We also watched Disney's "Up," a great little film. Not spectacular, but everyones a critic, right?
Ben has just been wonderful to me, as usual. I've totally been able to count on him to help keep the house clean. I would do the cooking, but what with my new low-carb diet going on, we just don't eat the same things anymore, so Ben won't even let me cook for him at times. Unbuuuuuuuuleavable. Sometimes I think he's way too good for me. Perhaps I'm right.
This little short below TOTALLY trashes Twilight. No worries, I'm still a die hard fan. It's good to not take yourself seriously from time to time.
Check out my new funny picture on the right!
Joke of the week:
Actual Newspaper Headlines
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought!]
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Monday, November 9, 2009


Happy-after-Halloween-I've-got-a-headache-from-drinking-too-much everyone! I trust I fine that everyone has survived Halloween, only to move onto the over-commericalized Holiday Season called Christmas. That's right, people. It's not this "happy holidays" crap. It's only "merry Chirstmas" around here, douncha knoooow.
This following clip is toatlly rated PG, and is appropriate for everyone to see. It's a music video of the song "Love Me Dead" from the band Ludo. It's histerical, I promise!

This last Halloween, I went out to my favorite Thai food place with a friend from my ward, as well as the teacher I work with. It was pleasant. That afternoon, I went to my mother-in-law's house, Kathy, and watched War of the Worlds and talked. A lot. One of the many things I love about that woman. Our ability to talk about anything for hours.
Ben and I came home earlier than planned, so we didn't have any candy to hand out to the cute kids who came by. So, instead, I handed out Weight Watchers food. Yea........."Have a healthy Halloween, kids. I know where you WON'T be going next year."
"Mommy, this food tastes funny..." "Yea, suck it up, kid. It's good fer ya." *grunt, grunt* *scratch, scratch*
Work has been going well, even though I've been given even MORE assignments to do, but oh well. What can I say? No? Yea, I actually like being employed, thank you very much.
I have lost my nanny job. They found someone else who can work all the hours they need. That's ok, I feel relieved. Now I have more time to write my new book, and just have fun!
Great news...My best friend from high school, Melissa, came by for dinner last night. She is such a doll! I love her more than ever. What a blessing to have her in my life.
I have disovered some things about my health that are not so of my medications has caused me to be borderline diabetic. Also, my iron levels are low. So, I am now on a low carb diet, with plans to join a gym. I will change me medication at the end of the month, and I take iron suppliments and eat a spinach salad every night. Whew. Just what I need, more problems...but that's ok, because life goes on, and my health problems aren't totally serious yet.

Joke of the week: Also, check out the new picture on the right!

The Stella Awards
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It's time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards." The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck of New Mexico who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States. Here are this year's winners:
7th Place: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
6th Place: 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
5th Place: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
1st Place: This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.