Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving was awesome! I went to my brother-in-law's place. The nieces were really cute, crawling all over me and talking with me. I taught what it meant to be "honorable." Who knows how that came up. The food was incredible (Great job, Joe and Kathy!). I called everyone in my family, including my near-brother Jamie Black. He invited Ben and I over for Christmas. We'll have to see if that's in the budget. I don't think all my S&M stuff will make room for a travel budget. You know, too many whips and handcuffs. Of course, I could always do a traveling show, but I don't think my husband would take too well to posing as the Bearded Lady.
Finals are coming up, and I have been studying like mad. Mad, I tell you! Brahahahah! Oh, phew! That moment passed.
I finally saw the movie Twilight. It's not gonna win and Oscar's or anything, but I enjoyed it very much! Edward was HOT. As for the other characters, it was a well casted movie. I'm so glad I didn't have any embarrassing dreams about Edward. Guess that menas I really do love Ben. Whatddaya know.
Lol. No really, my husband is great. I wouldn't be nearly as happy as I am now without him.
Joke of the moment:

Things I've learned
mark as unread
I'm safe from identity theft, no one wants to be me.
Great people in history have one thing in commom, they are all psychos.
Yogurt is not now and will not ever be a substiute for ice cream.
Thanksgiving is wrong, you get the day off but you have to spend it with your family.
Rumor has it, that people are having children on purpose.
God bless America. (But not any of those other, evil countries.)
Smile, it's our only defense against gravity.
The worst part about being poor is that you have to live among poor people.
Behind every success story is another story about someone having that same exact idea 5 years earlier.
Denial: The first step is admitting that there are no problems.
If you want revenge on a married man, just call his house and and hang up every time his wife answers.
The whoopie cushion is the seat of all humor.
Men are free to do whatever they please, just as long as their wife okays it.
We cheer Robin Hood when he steals from the rich and gives to the poor, but detest the poor when they do the same thing.
In a hundred years you won't have to worry about money.
It's okay to be late as long as you bring donuts.
Soccer is the only game you can say- "We killed em' 2-0."
Arguements between your spouse and you rarely end with whatever.
Never, under any circumstance, not even once in a while, is it okay to wear socks with sandals.
The two cruelest words ever linked together, mandatory meeting.
Never trust a story that has been told more than once.
The best weight loss system is sticking a mirror inside of your fridge.
and the most important thing....
If you get arrested, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

The Movie is out!

Go see Twilight, people! I'm sure it's a good movie. NO, I haven't seen it yet, but I intend to. Plus, listen to their signature song, Decode by Paramore. It rocks! To answer some questions asked by an anonymous commenter (Who are you , bty?): The picture of the woman on top is my best friend in Cedar City, Heidi Baxley. She freakin rocks! LeRoy, the person who created the pictures, is my best friend in California. I've known them both for many years now, and depend on them for ALL OF MY EMOTIONALLY NEEDS. Just kidding. Ben does that.
You think I'm kidding about that? Just ask the poor fellow. You know, I MADE him marry me. I promised lots of money, and...you know. Obviously, he said yes.
Do you think he gets what he wants?
Ask him.
Today we are celebrating Wes Roberts's birthday! Happy birthday to ya, man. You're awesome!
I had to shelve and re alphabetize books in the library yesterday at work. OMGoodness, it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO boring! I thought my eyes were going to pop out of my head. I'm the kind of person who needs to be busier than that. Know what I mean?
Joke of the moment:

Divorce Letter !!

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!

Have a great life! > Your EX-Wife

*********************************************************** ********************************

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.

But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

Twilight

As most of you well know, I'm totally obsessed with Twilight. Probably not as much as Katrina, but pretty close. The movie is coming out so soon! That's freakin awesome! Everyone, write comments to me and tell me what you love about Twilight.
Check out the pictures to the right! My best pal in Claifornia, Roy, created these photos. Don't worry, mom and dad, I really didn't dye my hair this dark. Isn't it great?
I had a great day at work today. I got to see Stephanie. We always have a great time talking. I brought kettle popcorn to Niki today, and she kept on eating it and telling me that I was "in trouble." She has problems with eating that stuff.
Last night Stacey came over for dinner. I made barbecued chicken, and french fries. I got burned a few times while frying them, but it was worth it! My AMAZING husband cleaned the house for me. I'm so lucky to have such a great slav-I mean husband.
Joke of the day:

How to screw up an interview
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:
1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."
18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

Helter Skelter

Everyone should listen to the Helter Skelter version by U2. Who here thinks that Coldplay is the modern version of U2? I do!
I've had another good week. "Liz" has had a talking to by another worker, so I don't know if she is going to yell at the kids so much. In the mornings, when I should be doing boring work like alphabetizing book shelves in the library (no offense meant, daddy dearest), instead I sit in my office and do homework. No one sees me or keeps tabs on me! I think that technically it's ok if I do my homework, but I'm not sure. And yes, I do have an office with a computer and everything! It's a first for me, and I love it! Now, if I can only get them to regulate the temperature in the computer room... Maybe the kids will be able to think a straight thought if they're not roasting!
Here is the link to Wende Batson's blog with her freakin awesome vampire story!
http://cosmickonfusion.spaces.live.com/default.aspx
Check it out people, or you are seriously lame! Lame, lame lame!
Did I say you would be lame, cause I kinda think you would be LAME if you don't check it out!
School is going well. I'm actually done writing all my paper, unless my professor wants me to rewrite anything. Cross your fingers, people! Lets hope it doesn't happen!
I was given a talk to say in church this Sunday. I'll let you know how that goes. I decided to speak on prayer. Since I do it all the time, I'm kind of an expert. (Please, make me more beautiful than anyone else.. oh, wait. That one has already been granted. Props to me!)
Just kidding.
Now, here is the joke of the day:
What is Marketing?

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: ' I am very rich. Marry me! ' - That's Direct Marketing'

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: ' He's very rich. 'Marry him.' -That's Advertising'

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: ' Hi,I'm very rich. 'Marry me -That's Telemarketing'

4. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say:'By the way, I'm rich. Will you 'Marry Me?' - That's Public Relations'

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:'You are very rich! 'Can you marry Me?' - That's Brand Recognition'

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: 'I am very rich. Marry me!'She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - 'That's Customer Feedback '

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: 'I am very rich. Marry me!' And she introduces you to her husband. - 'That's demand and supply gap'

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: 'I'm rich. Will you marry me?' and she goes with him- 'That's competition eating into your market share'

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: 'I'm rich, Marry me!' your wife arrives. - ' That's restriction for entering new markets'

Kickin Butt!

Aced another history exam. Oh yeah. Right now I'm listening to I Stand Alone from the Scorpion King soundtrack. Don't listen to it unless you can handle some rough music.
So Obama is going to be our next president. Truly, this is a moment to mourn our future, people. Anyone notice all the terrorists who congratulated Obama? What does that tell you? Seriously, we're scrooed.
Just a little heads up, try to read Wende Batson's story on her blog before she takes it off! It is a great read. I'm her number one fan.
Work has been going well. Except that when I watch the kids during lunch to make sure they are doing their classwork, one of the teachers I work with, we'll call her Liz, screams at the kids and verbally abuses them! It's made both me and the kids afraid of being around her. Some people are seriously disturbed. Maybe I'm one of them.
I've been writing all of these essays for my sacred traditions class. It seems like all I do is write. Yea, I know, whine whine whine. Some people would kill to be in college. Yea, I'm very grateful. Grateful I'm almost done with the school year!
Jokeofthemoment:

Top Ten Marketing Screw Ups
1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."