Evanesence

Evanescence has been blaring in my car for the past couple of weeks. It's the main music I sing karaoke to when I want to STONE. Oops, mean ROCK. Can I hear a hell yea for Amy?
HELL YEA (hell yea, hell yea...)
The term mechanical utopia was the freakin best in my history class! Everyone else's terms were lame. Not that I have room to talk...my daddy gave me that term. The only problem my professor had with it was that it was two words instead of one. Picky, picky! It was still the best.
I have to go and buy a lame-ass book called Religion, Magic and Witchcraft. I don't want to read no stinkin witchcraft! I'll go join Wicca, sacrafice chickens and hump trees if I want to learn magic and witchcraft. I hope I offended someone. Magic and witchcraft are stupid.
Here are my jokes of the wheneverIfeellikeit: Enjoy!
These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
_________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
_________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Whadayaknow? I'll pass college!

Sooooooooooo............
Right when you think you will have a difficult time in college, your daddy comes along and helps out. You know how industrialization describes an economy going from being agricultural to being industrial? I needed to come up with a term to describe idustrialism, which described the thought processes of people going through industrization. So my brilliant daddy told me MECHANIZED UTOPIA (Duh duh duuuummmm...), because everyone thought that industry would solve all of their problems. All, the joys of being a child of a smart father. Of course, I spoke with my husband afterwards and he suggested the same term.
TWO smart people.
Lucky me!
I emailed Ernest, the history professor, and he told me it was a good term and to explain it in front of the class. Great. Now I have to fake that I know what I'm talking about!
Now I know what a college professor or a librarian feels like....Hahaha. Just kidding Dad/Eric.
I'd like to take a moment to brag about my wicked awesome hubbie. He treats me like a princess. I'm so lucky! A word to all of you single chicks out there: DON'T SETTLE.
I know I didn't.
Now..........I need help from all of you. PLEASE give me a pep talk that will help me keep writing! I know you can do it! It's easy! It starts like this:
Rabbit, no, squirrel, no, hampster, no, deer...Yea! That's it!
Dear Lacey,

You are so unfreaking believably smart, it hurts to be you. I know you can write, so get to it!

That's a great start. Get cracking, people!

A Week Into School...

Hey Everybody! This is my first blog ever! Now people get to pretend like they care about my life! Brahahahhahahahahahahha!
.....
A little too much? Remember, this is me you're talking about!
So, I have been in a college at Salt Lake Community College for a week now. I really like it, but it's hard work! I finished my first essay on Shinto (the main religion of Japan, not to be confused with Buddhism) the first day it was assigned. Am I a geek or what?
...I'm going with what.
Anywho, I sent it to the professor, James, and he only had one suggestion! Yea! And I honestly thought it was crap. I'm REALLY self-conscious about my writing.
Yea, yea, I'm sure it's really fine and all, but you try writing a book.
Yes, folks, I WAS working on a book called Fight Name. It's a vampire book. I stopped writing a little while ago. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's writer's cramp. Maybe I realized it's not going to be published. I think with the right kind of help, like a really good editor, it could go somewhere. I think I'll write quote from it on this blog in the future. Tell me is you want it, folks!
Parents, I'm sorry, but I won't guarantee that it's going to be the cleanest book. Being Mormon and all, I promise that it will be rated PG-13 and less, but that's all. No rated R, pornographic crap in MY book!
I think one of the hardest things about writing is that I try to keep it funny. And I am funny, dammit! It's just difficult to do.
Ooo, ooo, here is the joke of the day/whenverIfeellikeit: If pro is the opposite of con, then what's the opposite of progress? Congress! Hardee-freakin-har, I'm funny!
Write to me, folks, and tell me how much you enjoyed this!