Valentines

I hope everyone had a great Valentine's Day! Ben took me to a restaurant called Z Tejas. It's a Southwestern chain, and I had really good food! The vice-presidents to the Utah Jazz were sitting near us. The following Monday I didn't have to work, and I laid around and meditated. I'm a bit stressed from both jobs, so I meditate any time I have time. I play Enya music, sit in the chair that rocks, use muscle relaxation, and just sit or rock for the longest time. I got a professional massage from a woman in the ward. She was so professional and efficient, I loved it! I'm sick right now with a cough, which I probably got from the boys I nanny. I'm not upset or anything, that's just what happens when you work with kids. Everyone at Eisenhower Jr High was real sympathetic, which I appreciated. Who doesn't love attention? We had spirit week at school, and the kids got to wear all kinds of interesting outfits all week. We had an assembly, at the kids and teachers alike danced. I enjoyed it immensely. Heidi sent me the funniest text! It read:
Dear Diary,
Today I made Carlisle think he was in love with Edward. Again.
Love, Jasper
So I sent her one of my own today:
Dear Diary,
Glued a scratch and sniff sticker to the bottom of a pool. The dumb blonde inhaled a lot of water, but didn't drown. Damn.
Love, Jacob
Lets put a vote to it, people! Which one do you think is funnier? Send your vote to legolacey@yahoo.com
Joke of the day: Warning! If you're sensitive, don't read it!

NEw rules
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These should be the rules of the real world.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids:.... lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: Stop sending me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chilli. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months: "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.