Ode to My Husband

I'd like to dedicate this one to my great husband. He is a wonderful man, and I appreciate him very much. He always helps me around the house, and never lets me do the dishes (because he does them!). He is unfailingly kind, patient, loving, thoughtful, fun, intelligent, spiritual, and gentle. He is an example to all men on how they should be. Ben is my best friend; I couldn't ask for anyone better. He reminds me of my father.
In school, I am taking my last final in history on Monday. I hope it's not too difficult to do!
I have a new church calling. I am playing piano for the primary. I am very rusty at playing piano, and I need to get into the church building everyday to practice. Maybe the kids won't mind iffy playing.
Joke of the moment:
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"
When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" I asked. "Yes, 'Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas." "How nice," I said. "Where does she live?" "At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and she was always correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are you doing?" his Mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men and she asked him why they were there and he said "On TV they say, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!' "
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
THE ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
"When I Die, I Want To Die Like My Grandfather Who Died Peacefully In His Sleep. Not Screaming Like All The Passengers In His Car."

Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving was awesome! I went to my brother-in-law's place. The nieces were really cute, crawling all over me and talking with me. I taught what it meant to be "honorable." Who knows how that came up. The food was incredible (Great job, Joe and Kathy!). I called everyone in my family, including my near-brother Jamie Black. He invited Ben and I over for Christmas. We'll have to see if that's in the budget. I don't think all my S&M stuff will make room for a travel budget. You know, too many whips and handcuffs. Of course, I could always do a traveling show, but I don't think my husband would take too well to posing as the Bearded Lady.
Finals are coming up, and I have been studying like mad. Mad, I tell you! Brahahahah! Oh, phew! That moment passed.
I finally saw the movie Twilight. It's not gonna win and Oscar's or anything, but I enjoyed it very much! Edward was HOT. As for the other characters, it was a well casted movie. I'm so glad I didn't have any embarrassing dreams about Edward. Guess that menas I really do love Ben. Whatddaya know.
Lol. No really, my husband is great. I wouldn't be nearly as happy as I am now without him.
Joke of the moment:

Things I've learned
mark as unread
I'm safe from identity theft, no one wants to be me.
Great people in history have one thing in commom, they are all psychos.
Yogurt is not now and will not ever be a substiute for ice cream.
Thanksgiving is wrong, you get the day off but you have to spend it with your family.
Rumor has it, that people are having children on purpose.
God bless America. (But not any of those other, evil countries.)
Smile, it's our only defense against gravity.
The worst part about being poor is that you have to live among poor people.
Behind every success story is another story about someone having that same exact idea 5 years earlier.
Denial: The first step is admitting that there are no problems.
If you want revenge on a married man, just call his house and and hang up every time his wife answers.
The whoopie cushion is the seat of all humor.
Men are free to do whatever they please, just as long as their wife okays it.
We cheer Robin Hood when he steals from the rich and gives to the poor, but detest the poor when they do the same thing.
In a hundred years you won't have to worry about money.
It's okay to be late as long as you bring donuts.
Soccer is the only game you can say- "We killed em' 2-0."
Arguements between your spouse and you rarely end with whatever.
Never, under any circumstance, not even once in a while, is it okay to wear socks with sandals.
The two cruelest words ever linked together, mandatory meeting.
Never trust a story that has been told more than once.
The best weight loss system is sticking a mirror inside of your fridge.
and the most important thing....
If you get arrested, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

The Movie is out!

Go see Twilight, people! I'm sure it's a good movie. NO, I haven't seen it yet, but I intend to. Plus, listen to their signature song, Decode by Paramore. It rocks! To answer some questions asked by an anonymous commenter (Who are you , bty?): The picture of the woman on top is my best friend in Cedar City, Heidi Baxley. She freakin rocks! LeRoy, the person who created the pictures, is my best friend in California. I've known them both for many years now, and depend on them for ALL OF MY EMOTIONALLY NEEDS. Just kidding. Ben does that.
You think I'm kidding about that? Just ask the poor fellow. You know, I MADE him marry me. I promised lots of money, and...you know. Obviously, he said yes.
Do you think he gets what he wants?
Ask him.
Today we are celebrating Wes Roberts's birthday! Happy birthday to ya, man. You're awesome!
I had to shelve and re alphabetize books in the library yesterday at work. OMGoodness, it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO boring! I thought my eyes were going to pop out of my head. I'm the kind of person who needs to be busier than that. Know what I mean?
Joke of the moment:

Divorce Letter !!

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!

Have a great life! > Your EX-Wife

*********************************************************** ********************************

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.

But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

Twilight

As most of you well know, I'm totally obsessed with Twilight. Probably not as much as Katrina, but pretty close. The movie is coming out so soon! That's freakin awesome! Everyone, write comments to me and tell me what you love about Twilight.
Check out the pictures to the right! My best pal in Claifornia, Roy, created these photos. Don't worry, mom and dad, I really didn't dye my hair this dark. Isn't it great?
I had a great day at work today. I got to see Stephanie. We always have a great time talking. I brought kettle popcorn to Niki today, and she kept on eating it and telling me that I was "in trouble." She has problems with eating that stuff.
Last night Stacey came over for dinner. I made barbecued chicken, and french fries. I got burned a few times while frying them, but it was worth it! My AMAZING husband cleaned the house for me. I'm so lucky to have such a great slav-I mean husband.
Joke of the day:

How to screw up an interview
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:
1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."
18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

Helter Skelter

Everyone should listen to the Helter Skelter version by U2. Who here thinks that Coldplay is the modern version of U2? I do!
I've had another good week. "Liz" has had a talking to by another worker, so I don't know if she is going to yell at the kids so much. In the mornings, when I should be doing boring work like alphabetizing book shelves in the library (no offense meant, daddy dearest), instead I sit in my office and do homework. No one sees me or keeps tabs on me! I think that technically it's ok if I do my homework, but I'm not sure. And yes, I do have an office with a computer and everything! It's a first for me, and I love it! Now, if I can only get them to regulate the temperature in the computer room... Maybe the kids will be able to think a straight thought if they're not roasting!
Here is the link to Wende Batson's blog with her freakin awesome vampire story!
http://cosmickonfusion.spaces.live.com/default.aspx
Check it out people, or you are seriously lame! Lame, lame lame!
Did I say you would be lame, cause I kinda think you would be LAME if you don't check it out!
School is going well. I'm actually done writing all my paper, unless my professor wants me to rewrite anything. Cross your fingers, people! Lets hope it doesn't happen!
I was given a talk to say in church this Sunday. I'll let you know how that goes. I decided to speak on prayer. Since I do it all the time, I'm kind of an expert. (Please, make me more beautiful than anyone else.. oh, wait. That one has already been granted. Props to me!)
Just kidding.
Now, here is the joke of the day:
What is Marketing?

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: ' I am very rich. Marry me! ' - That's Direct Marketing'

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: ' He's very rich. 'Marry him.' -That's Advertising'

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: ' Hi,I'm very rich. 'Marry me -That's Telemarketing'

4. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say:'By the way, I'm rich. Will you 'Marry Me?' - That's Public Relations'

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:'You are very rich! 'Can you marry Me?' - That's Brand Recognition'

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: 'I am very rich. Marry me!'She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - 'That's Customer Feedback '

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: 'I am very rich. Marry me!' And she introduces you to her husband. - 'That's demand and supply gap'

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: 'I'm rich. Will you marry me?' and she goes with him- 'That's competition eating into your market share'

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: 'I'm rich, Marry me!' your wife arrives. - ' That's restriction for entering new markets'

Kickin Butt!

Aced another history exam. Oh yeah. Right now I'm listening to I Stand Alone from the Scorpion King soundtrack. Don't listen to it unless you can handle some rough music.
So Obama is going to be our next president. Truly, this is a moment to mourn our future, people. Anyone notice all the terrorists who congratulated Obama? What does that tell you? Seriously, we're scrooed.
Just a little heads up, try to read Wende Batson's story on her blog before she takes it off! It is a great read. I'm her number one fan.
Work has been going well. Except that when I watch the kids during lunch to make sure they are doing their classwork, one of the teachers I work with, we'll call her Liz, screams at the kids and verbally abuses them! It's made both me and the kids afraid of being around her. Some people are seriously disturbed. Maybe I'm one of them.
I've been writing all of these essays for my sacred traditions class. It seems like all I do is write. Yea, I know, whine whine whine. Some people would kill to be in college. Yea, I'm very grateful. Grateful I'm almost done with the school year!
Jokeofthemoment:

Top Ten Marketing Screw Ups
1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

Party Time!

I had a great party on the 24th at my old apartment. The orgy worked out splendidly for everyone. At least, I never recieved a complaint. From the people living upstairs, that is.
Oh, alright. It wasn't an orgy (don't get your hopes up, Roy).
We played games, and I gave out prizes. We played concentration, had a costunme contest, toilet paper mummy, and so on. Ben had us watch Robot Chicken. For those of you losers (oops, did I let that one slip out?) who haven't seen it, it's a movie that trashes Star Wars. It's a must see for all, so go online and buy it!
The next night we went to our ward's trunk or treat. The kids and adults all had on cute costumes. I dressed up in my usual costume, a lounge singer. Now I just need a microphone. That's all I need. Put me in front of a karaoke machine, and I'll sing my guts out. It's a great way to perform and lose weight at the same time.
For school, I did end up acing that history exam. Yea! That'll help from the one I bombed. I have all these papers to write for my anthropology class, but who doesn't? I ended up doing my book report on Judaism. I was goign to write about Wicca, but all the books at the library were stolen!The number one stolen book at the library is, you've quessed it, the bible. The number two book? The joy of sex. Wouldn't you know it. They're on to me.
Joke of the day:
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

Long Time, No See

It's been a whole week since I've blogged. Not that I'm getting upset about it or anything. I mean I'm not having withdrawals. No ticcccks. NO PROBLEMS. I PROMISE! *uncontrollable weeping*
Ok, that's over with.
So, I just took a test in history, and I think I knew all of the answers. That should help to make up for the deplorable grade I got on my last test. I was the first one done in class, so I don't know of that is a good or bad thing. We'll see. Brahahaha!
I have a book report to do in Sacred Rituals, so I chose the sacred rituals of the Navajo. I got this TERRIBLE book. It was worse than a technical manual. It was dry and was full of words I don't know. So you know it has to be complicated. I just got a new book from the library, so hopefully that'll be better.
My job at Eisenhower Jr High is good. I have to discipline teenagers, but hell, it's just practice; right, people? A few wacks with Mr. Discipline and they go to their desks crying. Works every time.
You know you want to do it too.
Just kidding.
Just a little shout out to my sister---thanks for dyeing my hair!
Joke of the moment!
Demerit System used by Women
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is. In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...
Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.
Simple Duties You make the bed..................................................+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1 You leave the toilet seat up......................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..................0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2 You check out a suspicious noise at night .....................0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...............0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...........+5 You pummel it with a six iron................................+10 It's her father..............................................-10
Social Engagements You stay by her side the entire party.....0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy.......-2 Named Tiffany...................-4 Tiffany is a dancer.............-6 Tiffany has implants............-8
Her Birthday You take her out to dinner..................................0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1 Okay, it is a sports bar...................................-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night.............................-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..................-10
Thoughtfulness You forget her birthday completely........................-20 You forget your anniversary...............................-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus station..............-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey............................-50 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...............-60
A Night Out With The Boys Go out with a pal .........................................-5 And the pal is happily married ............................-4 Or frighteningly single ...................................-7 And he drives a Mustang...................................-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ............-15 You have a few beers.......................................-9 And miss curfew by an hour................................-12 You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call............-20 You get home at 3 am......................................-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ..-40
Her Night Out You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work.................+5 She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late..........+10 You wait up......................................................+15 She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20
A Night Out You take her to a movie.........................................+2 You take her to a movie she likes...............................+4 You take her to a movie you hate ...............................+6 You take her to a movie you like................................-2 It's called DeathCop 3..........................................-3 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15
Flowers You buy her flowers only when it's expected..................... 0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ....+20 You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ......+30 And she contracts Lyme disease..................................-25
Your Physique You develop a noticeable potbelly...............................-15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.......-30 You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too".........-800
Finances You spend a lot of money on something impractical................-5 Something she can't use.........................................-10 Such as a motorized model airplane...............................-20 And she got a small appliance for her birthday..................-40
Driving You lost the directions on a trip...............................-4 You lost the directions and end up getting lost................-10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town .................-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal.........-25 You know them..................................................-60
The Big Question She asks, "Do I look fat?" .....................................-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding.....................................-10 You reply, "Where?".............................................-35
Communication When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression..............0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...............-20

Busy, busy busy!

So...now I'm holding down two jobs and going to school. It's do-able. I like the people I work with, especially the person in charge of the computer labs. She's almost as cool as I am...almost. But not as cool as the Beech....(that's Heidi). Oh, sorry. I promised I wouldn't write about skanks anymore. Sorry, Heidi, you're not getting anymore hype from this blog!
Oh she knows I'm kidding.
I prepared for my annual Halloween party yesterday. There are going to be fun games and prizes! I hope people enjoy what I have set up for them! They'd better...or else I'll make them do terrible things. Like wear shirts that say "Support your local socialist! Vote Democrat!" Yea, that's a good idea.
Lots of love people!
Quote of the moment:
Where are we going and what's with this handbasket?
Tell me you get it.
Joke of the moment:
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Laura Turner during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.

A New Job!

Things are looking up! I have a new job as a teacher's aide at Eisenhower Jr. High. It will be challenging, but what job isn't? I'll be helping kids with their reading, and I'll be helping out in the computer lab. These poor kids jsut can't read at their normal level, due to poverty. That's really sad, people. Good thing teacher's aides are there to help! Now, the next trick is to convince these kids that they need to learn to read...we all know how jr. high students are. Any advice, people? I would appreciate it!
Jokeoftheday:

Tech Support Stories
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Enter Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the Any Key is. *
AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. *
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies. *
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. *
A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. *
A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer." *
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse. *
Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?" *
Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first. *
In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems. *
True story from a Novell NetWare Sysop: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive. *
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine." *
Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems, the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry. It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the basics, then went over and printed out a test sheet. It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the printer. As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me. I told her to wait until the paper came out on its own. Problem solved.
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.
And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the tutor over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The tutor tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I typed, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back as this appeared on their screen. "What the..." the tutor said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: "Don't touch me!" Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard." Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer, and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters. Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters." Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"
My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

Too much going on!

I had to open my big mouth and say life was easy! But NoOOooo! I am in the middle of getting a new job,working my current job as a nanny, working on college, and finding a new place to live. It's a mess. I know, gripe gripe gripe. I am so messed up right now that I totally missed out on the fact that I had a test today! I totally guessed my way through half of it. Oh well. What can you do? I'm just juggling too much on my plate right now. Luckily, I've found some good jobs to apply for that pay well and have good hours. I hope I get a job I can handle, because that would mean I'm working two jobs and going to school. Some people can handle that, but it's a bit much for me. Plus, I have to apply and go to the University of Utah next fall.  Arguh!!!!

I'm too stressed out to be funny right now, people. Sorry. Still, here is a joke for ya!

Some of these are repeated, but some  are new. Have fun!

I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before..

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'llsqueeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good quality plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

Another "A"!

I actually did better on this last history test than on my previous one. Yea! That's awesome. I'm listening to "Change" by the deftones. It's uber creepy, check it out (except mom and dad)! Creepy, kinda like my husband's love for me. There's only a ten year difference. He's not a dirty old man or anything.
What does that make me? A gold digger? Probably...
I fed Kat and Richard enormous amounts of chocolate cake last night. It feels so good to see someone enjoy my cooking. My neighbor Wes tells me I should sell it in a stand on the street. I can see it now: Lacey's "special" brownies.
teeheehee
I was offered special brownies at a frat party once. Yea, that was a long time ago. I turned it down. Phew!
Joke of the moment:
Ode to Roaches

Good afternoon, you scuttling bastards.
I tried to be reasonable with you. At first, we had a stable relationship. I knew you were there, and every now and then I'd see one of you, but in general you kept quiet and had the good sense to scurry for hiding when I turned the lights on. One of you periodically stepped out of line, and had to be squashed, and then everything went back to normal. If you had just continued in that manner, we could have lived this entire year in peaceful coexistence.
But no, you had to get greedy. I began to see you more frequently, and in larger numbers. Your lights-on scurry grew slower and slower and became more of a relaxed trot, then a walk. Eventually, you had the audacity to sit right where you were and shake your head feelers at me. You had gone too far. It was time for war.
I began periodic sweeps of the apartment, armed with paper towels, and squashed anything that moved. I removed every possible food source from anywhere you might be able to reach it, even adding extra layers of wrapping to items in the fridge, just in case one of you somehow managed to make it inside. A couple of times, I even turned the lights off and stood motionless for five minutes, then flicked them back on and rained horrible death upon whichever of you had been lured out. I really thought this would have been enough to make my point.
However, you continued to defy all logic and reasoning, and to multiply and grow bolder. Three of you ran across my foot once; I killed two, but left one alive (but severely maimed) to tell the tale... clearly, you were beginning to affect my sanity, and I needed to up the ante in order to regain the upper hand in the battle for control of my apartment. So, I added the roach spray to my arsenal. This had little effect and made my apartment smell extremely questionable; I guess you vermin won that round.
I notified the management company, who has always been very responsive to any problem I have had with the place. There was some vague talk of fumigating or spraying or some other unspecified pest removal solution; somehow it kept falling through the cracks, and nothing ever happened. Well, I'm not sure who you bribed or threatened for that little stunt, but it was time to show you little 6-legged thugs that I wasn't afraid of you, no matter what kind of "connections" you had.
I had no alternative, I had to buy the roach poison traps. The way these are supposed to work is this - the cockroach smells the tasty poison/food, wanders into the trap, eats, returns to his/her hiding place, and then dies. The practical result is that they should appear to vanish from your home like magic. However, you at my apartment had grown not only bold, but complacent. After eating, you all just kinda decided to hang out for a while, and as a result died in an odd sort of corpse constellation across my kitchen floor.
The destruction was horrific. Some of your dead were being carried off by those who survived, almost like soldiers dragging the wounded into foxholes. Many of you were still twitching, apparently writhing in agony from the effects of the poison. The ravages of war are never pretty, and being a gentle person, part of me felt a little bit of remorse.
But now you know that it is, as they say, "on", and I'll push you #@%&ers all the way back to apartment 601 if I have to...
Sincerely, Fellow Apartment Dweller/Agent of your Doom

Warfare

Apparantly, you can claim that you are a conscientious objector if you get drafted. I had no idea that this existed. Of course, people always want out of the navy. Not that I blame them. You know, all that singing and dancing.
"...Come on and join your fellow man, in the navy!"
I mean, wouldn't you be worrying about other men checking you out? Now I know how Heidi feels when I...well...nevermind.
My history professor ususally tests us on waht he lectures, one section at a time!
This time, he asked us about stuff so old, I don't remember half of it! Unfreakin believable! I claim that he's the disorganized one. I studied exactly what I was supposed to. So there. I'm not pouting, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!
Joke of the moment:

Texas Chili Contest
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For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who has visited from Springfield IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge 3)
Chili #1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili
>Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>Judge #3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint on my driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili #2 Austin's Afterburner Chili
>Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>Judge #2 -- Exiting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
>Judge #3 -- Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
>Judge #2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all the beer...
Chili #4 Dave's Black Magic
>Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
>Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5 Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover
>Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>Judge #3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off may forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili #6 Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety
>Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
> Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
> Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili #7 Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chili
>Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>Judge #2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last minute. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lave to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 Karen’s Toenail Curling Chili
>Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to REALLY hot chili.

Mormonism

I've decided that college professors should NOT lecture on Mormonism unless they can be completely, uhhh, what's the word I'm looking for, PROFESSIONAL about it? My professor, I won't say which, tried to lecture a bit on Mormonism. Nice try. We should let a real professional lecture on Mormonism. Like Carl Marx.
Not a good one?
How about Groucho Marx.
Damn. Too many Marx's.
So, people, let's bring in your votes! Who do you think should lecture on Mormonism? They have to be famous, and you can't say Palin. I was already thinking of that one. And it can't be a Saturday Night Live sketch. I'd hate to think of the backlash....
Joke of the day! Possibly my funniest joke yet!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:...
*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better*.
*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."*
*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget about it.*
*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan!, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!*
*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!
*While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.
*I was working in an aquarium, when some new guy who was recently hired was given the task of feeding the fish. He started throwing in friggin peanuts! I walked up to him, looking angry, and said to him, "Damn it! They can't digest that! All they can do is lick your nuts!". Needless to say, I quit.

Gliding through

Announcement: It was my brother Jeremy's birthday on the 15th! Happy birthday, my dear brother!
Ever feel like you're just gliding through something? I just aced my paper on a film that protrays sacred rituals, The Last Samurai. It was lots of fun to write. But then, how hard is it to write a paper on a movie? Speaking of movie, everyone should see Babylon AD. Holy cow: hot Vin Diesel, lots of things blowing up, Vin Diesel, guns shooting, Vin Diesel, martial arts, did I mention Vin Diesel? Cause he's a yummy little piece of meat. Holla, ladies!
I visited my sister this last Saturday. Always a pleasant time. She bought a hole lot of things from the scrapbooking convention. She has more artisitc talent in her little finger than I do in both buttocks.
You should see how much talent I have with those.
On Sunday I went to my mom-in-laws, Kathy, and visited with her and my nieces (Joe's kids). They are such delightful little girls, always giving me hugs! They are as beautiful as they are smart. It's such a pleasure to have this extended family! Then again, I have a weakness for little kids!
Like an I'm-hungry-and-they-sound-good-right-now weakness. Salt and Pepper. Yum.
I'd like to dedicate a song to my sweet hubbie: #1 Crush by Garbage. Check it out, people! Yea, it's as sick as I am. In a good way.
Joke of the day!
Hello! Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline!
If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly, being certain to touch the table and counting to 10 between each press.
If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press since no one will answer.
If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.
If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to help worthless people like you.
And thank you for calling the Mental Health Hotline!

Little Girls

Little girls are everywhere in my life! I'm married to one, I'm best friends with one (you know who you are!) I'm related to a few (I'll let you wonder who that is), and I'm one. It's rather hard to escape yourself. Believe me, I've tried!
Why do you think I write?
So what...everyone does something to escape themselves. People daydream..that's where we get books, movies, and tv from. Even blogs.
Here is a quote from my book:
Darien laid his hand possessively on Sabeens' shoulder again, and she knocked his hand off with a forceful move. He lost his balance and smacked into the lockers, an action that Sabeen barely noticed. Bryce snickered. {end quote}
Hmmm, who does Sabeen remind you'all of?
Yep, you've guessed it.
Want a cookie?
The funny picture of the day is off to the side}}} It's lemon suicide!

Depeche Mode

Who doesn't listen to Depeche Mode? I've been collecting a list of songs so I can have a friend of mine burn them to a cd for me. What are friends for? Free work? Isn't that called slavey?
I'm always on that slave subject. Probably because I have so many of them-Heidi, Heidi, not to mention Heidi. Did I say Heidi, cause she's my best slave! Rarely complains, loves to feed me peeled grapes. Or is it the other way around? No, I love to feed her small, raw animals. She has to keep up that figure for me!
Quote from my book:
Sabeen gracefully wandered over and seated herself. The redhead immediately reached out and handled Sabeen’s hair.
“Wow, girlie. What do you do to keep that shine up? Mayonnaise?”Sabeen giggled. “Yep. Lots and lots of mayonnaise."
I love that mayo line. The redhead is designed after Heidi. You know, loud-mouthed, doesn't know when to NOT say something, can't keep her mouth shut--oh, hell. I hate it when I describe myself again.
I made a crown with Ruby. Naturally, it was pink and coverd with plastic jewels. Stevi made her own crown, and did a great job! She also worked really hard on her homework, and I'm really proud of her.
FunnyPictureoftheDay:
Over to the side>

Utah State Fair

So, my main man and I went to the Utah State Fair last Friday. It was lots of fun! I couldn't get a funnel cake in time to go, but I did get a fat bag of kettle corn! Man, it's gonna take me weeks to go through it. We got to see tigers perform, and we even saw some white tigers! There are, what, 30-odd left in the world? It was neat to just sit and watch them play. Rolling on the ground. Beating rubber balls around. Biting one another. You know, kinda like when Heidi and I play.
I also had something called barbecue nachos. Wow. Talk about amazing. I'll tell you what, though...I go to the fair to people watch as well as animal watch. So, whats the difference, you ask? The people have money. That's what.
Why do I go to the effort of washing the sheets if I'm not gonna make the bed? It usually stays that way until I go crazy or until Ben takes pity on me and makes the damn thing. Option number two is more likely to occur than option number one. How about you people? Tell me about a quirk you have that your significant other has to help you with.
Jokeofthemoment:
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.!!!
Now some people are really stupid!!!!
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died in January.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' (I really liked this part!!!!)
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' (Duh!)
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.' (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number is given )
After they get the fax:
Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank: 'That might help.'
Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'What do you do with dead people on your planet???
(Priceless!!)

Easy Peasy

I've got a fairly simple life. One might almost refer to it as easy peasy. Depends on the day. Now, I'll be changing my tune as soon as I have kids, or I go to a harder college next fall (which I plan on doing). But in the meantime, I'm just coasting through. This is probably the first time in my life that I've ever thought this way. I owe most of it to my AMAZING slave--I mean husband. (Don't worry, Heidi. You'll always be slave number one!) Of course, I do have financial issues, but who doesn't? We're makin it, my hubbie and me!
So...I've come up with this hilarious idea, and my buddy Wes is helping me out with it. We are going to film "Ode to a comic book fan's wife" around Halloween. BTW, people, my Halloween party is on October 25Th, a Saturday, so PLAN ON COMING. Or else. I'll think of something nasty for you to do, like scrub between my toes with a toothbrush, then use that same toothbrush to brush your teeth, or something really offensive. Give me time. I will think of something. Maybe I'll make you wear a shirt that says "I love terrorists! Do you support Obama too?"
Oh, that was really offensive, I'm sure! Brahahahha!
So, anyways, we are going to film a whole series that features a man in a superheroes outfit, and his normally dressed wife. They go out into the world, doing ordinary things together, but it never works out well for the wife because the husband is always getting into some mischief. It may not sound too funny now, buy wait till you see it! We'll put it on you tube, and I'll have an uplink on this site. Sorry, you'll have to wait awhile too see it.
I know, I'm crying too. On the inside.
Wes is freakin brilliant, and we have written the scenes together. He'll direct it, and he'll even let me help out. Awesome. If you have any ideas, people, email me and let me know! Remember, the humor has to come out of the fact that the man is wearing a superheroes costume. legolacey@yahoo.com
Jokeofthesecond:
Wouldn't it be nice to just give all the idiots of the world signs?
Idiot # 1 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.
Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 2 Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon which activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 3 A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. He read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 5 Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
(Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 6 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
(This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 7 Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
(Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 8 Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am flashed a gun and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said the couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Life is nothin but a fat rat race

Life is nothin...it is nothin...but a kick in the face...life is nothin...it is nothin...life is nothin but a fat rat race!
Quote from the movie Rat Race...check it out!
I finished my paper early on the movie The Last Samurai, like a nerd. I wrote about ritual suicide, and other samurai traditions. Who came up with that one? I think I'll just stick this here kaniffy in my belly and see what comes of it.
Wait.
Where am I going and what's with this handbasket?
*evil laugh*
I emailed it to my professor, and he didn't have any suggestions. Yea! I love Sacred Rituals. Except for my stupid magic and witchcraft book. Freakin tree humpers and animal sacrificers. Well, not that I have a problem with sacrificing chickens, or porkers, or mooers, or anything that goes to the Lacey's Stomach Foundation. Anyone can make a donation anytime Mon-Fri 9am-5pm. Come to think of it, I think you're all past due. I accept cash only, so you'll have to visit me in person to donate to the worthy cause. I swear it's worth it.
To me.
Now, here is a quote from my book:
"You're a figging vampire!" Sabeen hissed angrily into [Darien's] ear. "Of course I'm terrified to go out with you! I hunt your kind. You. Are. The. Enemy." She finished off in clipped words.
A little bit of dramatics for ya. Now, for my jokeofthemoment:
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing nearby. He asked the woman, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The woman replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my husband did.'

Point for women.
Ok, so I may have modified the joke a bit.

Frequent Daydreamer Miles

I'd like to make an announcement that I've stacked up on frequent daydreamer miles, and that I'm vacationing to the tropic side of Glornak 7, if anyone wishes to join me? I believe that Beech (Heidi) can fly first class with me first, since she's the one who came up with the term in the first place. Beech can carry the bags like the good little slave she is.
Too harsh a word? Very well. How about servant-who-is-not-paid? I like the ring of that.
I really didn't do much this last weekend. My messy apartment will attest to that. I'm even too damn lazy to put the sheets on the bed. Ben doesn't even complain. He's a good sla-I mean husband. It seems like one really can't find good help (slaves) these days.
Oh, just kidding Ben. You know Heidi's my only Beech!
I did spend some quality time with my sister Saturday. Her house is already decorated for fall, and it's just beautiful! She has such good taste. Must have inherited it from me.
I need some suggestions people! I have to watch a modern movie that exhibits sacred traditions of some kind. Any ideas?
Don't forget to answer the question at the bottom of the page!
Jokes of the day:
I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before..
PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'llsqueeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good quality plates?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

Boo-yah!

Who just aced their history exam?
I did!
Who is smarter than Heidi?
I am!
Who is now entering Glornak 7?..ughn.....
Hmmm, where was I? Oh, yea-
Smooch my butt, you big-boobed, loud mouthed, attractive girl, you!
Oh, wait---I just described myself! Well, I blame Glornak 7. It's a staycation, dammit!
Now, for a quote from my story: "Go talk to him [Arran], and be nice." "I am nice [Sabeen]." And sexy, too. [Sabeen's thoughts]. Ego, ego, everywhere." [End quote]
Sabeen's so much more egotistical than I am...
I swear...
Why don't you believe me?
I had a blast watching Ruby and Stevi last night. They are so low maintenance! They mostly stick to the Disney Channel. I'm glad they have something clean to watch. Ruby, who's three, loves to watch the same movies over and over.
And over and over.
To top it off, she wants me to join her. So I do. Who can resist a blond haired, blue eyed, three year old female? I know I can't... Wait, that isn't as bad as it sounds. Hmmm, is she joking? You'll never know! Good thing Heidi is a brunette.
Stevi is a great older sister, who shares her sister's good looks. That seven year old is such a superhelper, with whatever I need. She is also learning how to cook easy things, like top ramen. I'm so proud of her.
These kids have definately inherited their parent's sweet dispositions. It's a great family.
And a great nanny. Oh, wait a second---that's me.
Here is the jokeofthemoment:
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. --Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," she remorsefully replied. --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive." --Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener." --won't admit his name

Live long and prosper! Now, where have I heard that one before?