So, my main man and I went to the Utah State Fair last Friday. It was lots of fun! I couldn't get a funnel cake in time to go, but I did get a fat bag of kettle corn! Man, it's gonna take me weeks to go through it. We got to see tigers perform, and we even saw some white tigers! There are, what, 30-odd left in the world? It was neat to just sit and watch them play. Rolling on the ground. Beating rubber balls around. Biting one another. You know, kinda like when Heidi and I play.
I also had something called barbecue nachos. Wow. Talk about amazing. I'll tell you what, though...I go to the fair to people watch as well as animal watch. So, whats the difference, you ask? The people have money. That's what.
Why do I go to the effort of washing the sheets if I'm not gonna make the bed? It usually stays that way until I go crazy or until Ben takes pity on me and makes the damn thing. Option number two is more likely to occur than option number one. How about you people? Tell me about a quirk you have that your significant other has to help you with.
Jokeofthemoment:
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.!!!
Now some people are really stupid!!!!
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died in January.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' (I really liked this part!!!!)
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' (Duh!)
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.' (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number is given )
After they get the fax:
Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank: 'That might help.'
Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'What do you do with dead people on your planet???
(Priceless!!)
Monday, September 15, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Easy Peasy
I've got a fairly simple life. One might almost refer to it as easy peasy. Depends on the day. Now, I'll be changing my tune as soon as I have kids, or I go to a harder college next fall (which I plan on doing). But in the meantime, I'm just coasting through. This is probably the first time in my life that I've ever thought this way. I owe most of it to my AMAZING slave--I mean husband. (Don't worry, Heidi. You'll always be slave number one!) Of course, I do have financial issues, but who doesn't? We're makin it, my hubbie and me!
So...I've come up with this hilarious idea, and my buddy Wes is helping me out with it. We are going to film "Ode to a comic book fan's wife" around Halloween. BTW, people, my Halloween party is on October 25Th, a Saturday, so PLAN ON COMING. Or else. I'll think of something nasty for you to do, like scrub between my toes with a toothbrush, then use that same toothbrush to brush your teeth, or something really offensive. Give me time. I will think of something. Maybe I'll make you wear a shirt that says "I love terrorists! Do you support Obama too?"
Oh, that was really offensive, I'm sure! Brahahahha!
So, anyways, we are going to film a whole series that features a man in a superheroes outfit, and his normally dressed wife. They go out into the world, doing ordinary things together, but it never works out well for the wife because the husband is always getting into some mischief. It may not sound too funny now, buy wait till you see it! We'll put it on you tube, and I'll have an uplink on this site. Sorry, you'll have to wait awhile too see it.
I know, I'm crying too. On the inside.
Wes is freakin brilliant, and we have written the scenes together. He'll direct it, and he'll even let me help out. Awesome. If you have any ideas, people, email me and let me know! Remember, the humor has to come out of the fact that the man is wearing a superheroes costume. legolacey@yahoo.com
Jokeofthesecond:
Wouldn't it be nice to just give all the idiots of the world signs?
Idiot # 1 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.
Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 2 Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon which activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 3 A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. He read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 5 Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
(Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 6 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
(This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 7 Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
(Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 8 Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am flashed a gun and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said the couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
So...I've come up with this hilarious idea, and my buddy Wes is helping me out with it. We are going to film "Ode to a comic book fan's wife" around Halloween. BTW, people, my Halloween party is on October 25Th, a Saturday, so PLAN ON COMING. Or else. I'll think of something nasty for you to do, like scrub between my toes with a toothbrush, then use that same toothbrush to brush your teeth, or something really offensive. Give me time. I will think of something. Maybe I'll make you wear a shirt that says "I love terrorists! Do you support Obama too?"
Oh, that was really offensive, I'm sure! Brahahahha!
So, anyways, we are going to film a whole series that features a man in a superheroes outfit, and his normally dressed wife. They go out into the world, doing ordinary things together, but it never works out well for the wife because the husband is always getting into some mischief. It may not sound too funny now, buy wait till you see it! We'll put it on you tube, and I'll have an uplink on this site. Sorry, you'll have to wait awhile too see it.
I know, I'm crying too. On the inside.
Wes is freakin brilliant, and we have written the scenes together. He'll direct it, and he'll even let me help out. Awesome. If you have any ideas, people, email me and let me know! Remember, the humor has to come out of the fact that the man is wearing a superheroes costume. legolacey@yahoo.com
Jokeofthesecond:
Wouldn't it be nice to just give all the idiots of the world signs?
Idiot # 1 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.
Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 2 Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon which activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 3 A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. He read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 5 Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
(Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 6 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
(This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 7 Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
(Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 8 Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am flashed a gun and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said the couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Life is nothin but a fat rat race
Life is nothin...it is nothin...but a kick in the face...life is nothin...it is nothin...life is nothin but a fat rat race!
Quote from the movie Rat Race...check it out!
I finished my paper early on the movie The Last Samurai, like a nerd. I wrote about ritual suicide, and other samurai traditions. Who came up with that one? I think I'll just stick this here kaniffy in my belly and see what comes of it.
Wait.
Where am I going and what's with this handbasket?
*evil laugh*
I emailed it to my professor, and he didn't have any suggestions. Yea! I love Sacred Rituals. Except for my stupid magic and witchcraft book. Freakin tree humpers and animal sacrificers. Well, not that I have a problem with sacrificing chickens, or porkers, or mooers, or anything that goes to the Lacey's Stomach Foundation. Anyone can make a donation anytime Mon-Fri 9am-5pm. Come to think of it, I think you're all past due. I accept cash only, so you'll have to visit me in person to donate to the worthy cause. I swear it's worth it.
To me.
Now, here is a quote from my book:
"You're a figging vampire!" Sabeen hissed angrily into [Darien's] ear. "Of course I'm terrified to go out with you! I hunt your kind. You. Are. The. Enemy." She finished off in clipped words.
A little bit of dramatics for ya. Now, for my jokeofthemoment:
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing nearby. He asked the woman, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The woman replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my husband did.'
Point for women.
Ok, so I may have modified the joke a bit.
Quote from the movie Rat Race...check it out!
I finished my paper early on the movie The Last Samurai, like a nerd. I wrote about ritual suicide, and other samurai traditions. Who came up with that one? I think I'll just stick this here kaniffy in my belly and see what comes of it.
Wait.
Where am I going and what's with this handbasket?
*evil laugh*
I emailed it to my professor, and he didn't have any suggestions. Yea! I love Sacred Rituals. Except for my stupid magic and witchcraft book. Freakin tree humpers and animal sacrificers. Well, not that I have a problem with sacrificing chickens, or porkers, or mooers, or anything that goes to the Lacey's Stomach Foundation. Anyone can make a donation anytime Mon-Fri 9am-5pm. Come to think of it, I think you're all past due. I accept cash only, so you'll have to visit me in person to donate to the worthy cause. I swear it's worth it.
To me.
Now, here is a quote from my book:
"You're a figging vampire!" Sabeen hissed angrily into [Darien's] ear. "Of course I'm terrified to go out with you! I hunt your kind. You. Are. The. Enemy." She finished off in clipped words.
A little bit of dramatics for ya. Now, for my jokeofthemoment:
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing nearby. He asked the woman, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The woman replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my husband did.'
Point for women.
Ok, so I may have modified the joke a bit.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Frequent Daydreamer Miles
I'd like to make an announcement that I've stacked up on frequent daydreamer miles, and that I'm vacationing to the tropic side of Glornak 7, if anyone wishes to join me? I believe that Beech (Heidi) can fly first class with me first, since she's the one who came up with the term in the first place. Beech can carry the bags like the good little slave she is.
Too harsh a word? Very well. How about servant-who-is-not-paid? I like the ring of that.
I really didn't do much this last weekend. My messy apartment will attest to that. I'm even too damn lazy to put the sheets on the bed. Ben doesn't even complain. He's a good sla-I mean husband. It seems like one really can't find good help (slaves) these days.
Oh, just kidding Ben. You know Heidi's my only Beech!
I did spend some quality time with my sister Saturday. Her house is already decorated for fall, and it's just beautiful! She has such good taste. Must have inherited it from me.
I need some suggestions people! I have to watch a modern movie that exhibits sacred traditions of some kind. Any ideas?
Don't forget to answer the question at the bottom of the page!
Jokes of the day:
I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before..
PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'llsqueeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good quality plates?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.
Too harsh a word? Very well. How about servant-who-is-not-paid? I like the ring of that.
I really didn't do much this last weekend. My messy apartment will attest to that. I'm even too damn lazy to put the sheets on the bed. Ben doesn't even complain. He's a good sla-I mean husband. It seems like one really can't find good help (slaves) these days.
Oh, just kidding Ben. You know Heidi's my only Beech!
I did spend some quality time with my sister Saturday. Her house is already decorated for fall, and it's just beautiful! She has such good taste. Must have inherited it from me.
I need some suggestions people! I have to watch a modern movie that exhibits sacred traditions of some kind. Any ideas?
Don't forget to answer the question at the bottom of the page!
Jokes of the day:
I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before..
PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'llsqueeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good quality plates?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Boo-yah!
Who just aced their history exam?
I did!
Who is smarter than Heidi?
I am!
Who is now entering Glornak 7?..ughn.....
Hmmm, where was I? Oh, yea-
Smooch my butt, you big-boobed, loud mouthed, attractive girl, you!
Oh, wait---I just described myself! Well, I blame Glornak 7. It's a staycation, dammit!
Now, for a quote from my story: "Go talk to him [Arran], and be nice." "I am nice [Sabeen]." And sexy, too. [Sabeen's thoughts]. Ego, ego, everywhere." [End quote]
Sabeen's so much more egotistical than I am...
I swear...
Why don't you believe me?
I had a blast watching Ruby and Stevi last night. They are so low maintenance! They mostly stick to the Disney Channel. I'm glad they have something clean to watch. Ruby, who's three, loves to watch the same movies over and over.
And over and over.
To top it off, she wants me to join her. So I do. Who can resist a blond haired, blue eyed, three year old female? I know I can't... Wait, that isn't as bad as it sounds. Hmmm, is she joking? You'll never know! Good thing Heidi is a brunette.
Stevi is a great older sister, who shares her sister's good looks. That seven year old is such a superhelper, with whatever I need. She is also learning how to cook easy things, like top ramen. I'm so proud of her.
These kids have definately inherited their parent's sweet dispositions. It's a great family.
And a great nanny. Oh, wait a second---that's me.
Here is the jokeofthemoment:
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. --Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," she remorsefully replied. --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive." --Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener." --won't admit his name
Live long and prosper! Now, where have I heard that one before?
I did!
Who is smarter than Heidi?
I am!
Who is now entering Glornak 7?..ughn.....
Hmmm, where was I? Oh, yea-
Smooch my butt, you big-boobed, loud mouthed, attractive girl, you!
Oh, wait---I just described myself! Well, I blame Glornak 7. It's a staycation, dammit!
Now, for a quote from my story: "Go talk to him [Arran], and be nice." "I am nice [Sabeen]." And sexy, too. [Sabeen's thoughts]. Ego, ego, everywhere." [End quote]
Sabeen's so much more egotistical than I am...
I swear...
Why don't you believe me?
I had a blast watching Ruby and Stevi last night. They are so low maintenance! They mostly stick to the Disney Channel. I'm glad they have something clean to watch. Ruby, who's three, loves to watch the same movies over and over.
And over and over.
To top it off, she wants me to join her. So I do. Who can resist a blond haired, blue eyed, three year old female? I know I can't... Wait, that isn't as bad as it sounds. Hmmm, is she joking? You'll never know! Good thing Heidi is a brunette.
Stevi is a great older sister, who shares her sister's good looks. That seven year old is such a superhelper, with whatever I need. She is also learning how to cook easy things, like top ramen. I'm so proud of her.
These kids have definately inherited their parent's sweet dispositions. It's a great family.
And a great nanny. Oh, wait a second---that's me.
Here is the jokeofthemoment:
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. --Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," she remorsefully replied. --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive." --Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener." --won't admit his name
Live long and prosper! Now, where have I heard that one before?
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Unfreakin Believable
I'll have you know that "unfreakin believable" is a quote from Brian, my favorite character on Family Guy. I know it's a iffy show, but it's freakin hilarious!
You know what is funniest show on tv is? Scrubs. It's such a scream! I want everyone, who has been cool enough to follow along with this show, to tell me who their favorite character is. Here is a lesson from Scrubs: Glornack 7. It's the place you go when you want to daydream. I'm often in Glornak 7, thinking about my book and when I should actually write next...
It's ok to invite people to join you on Glornack 7...they just have to be invited in order for them to join the club. So, everyone, sit back, tilt your heads, and go into Glornack 7 with me...
Awww...Turk....Oh, sorry! Where was I? I sure hope Ben doesn't read this. I luv wuu, honey bunches!
No, I really don't talk that way. Unless I want something. And I ususally get what I want.
Today I got 100% on my anthropology paper on Shinto! Yea! Unfreakin believable! I'd like to thank all the little people I squashed on my way up here!
Now you're all thinking...Is she kidding? Am I? It's a mystery.
Oh...by the way...Heidi, at least I don't knock myself out when I run. Ha.
Joke of the wheneverIfeellikeit:
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilot: Something loose in cockpit. Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.
Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield. Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.
Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Engineers: Evidence removed.
Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud. Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.
Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.
Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield. Engineers: Suspect you're right.
Pilot: Number 3 engine missing. Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilot: Aircraft handles funny. Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Pilot: Target radar hums. Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Pilot: Mouse in cockpit. Engineers: Cat installed.
Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Engineers: Took hammer away from midget
Have a ripping good day!
You know what is funniest show on tv is? Scrubs. It's such a scream! I want everyone, who has been cool enough to follow along with this show, to tell me who their favorite character is. Here is a lesson from Scrubs: Glornack 7. It's the place you go when you want to daydream. I'm often in Glornak 7, thinking about my book and when I should actually write next...
It's ok to invite people to join you on Glornack 7...they just have to be invited in order for them to join the club. So, everyone, sit back, tilt your heads, and go into Glornack 7 with me...
Awww...Turk....Oh, sorry! Where was I? I sure hope Ben doesn't read this. I luv wuu, honey bunches!
No, I really don't talk that way. Unless I want something. And I ususally get what I want.
Today I got 100% on my anthropology paper on Shinto! Yea! Unfreakin believable! I'd like to thank all the little people I squashed on my way up here!
Now you're all thinking...Is she kidding? Am I? It's a mystery.
Oh...by the way...Heidi, at least I don't knock myself out when I run. Ha.
Joke of the wheneverIfeellikeit:
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilot: Something loose in cockpit. Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.
Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield. Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.
Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Engineers: Evidence removed.
Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud. Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.
Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.
Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield. Engineers: Suspect you're right.
Pilot: Number 3 engine missing. Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilot: Aircraft handles funny. Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Pilot: Target radar hums. Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Pilot: Mouse in cockpit. Engineers: Cat installed.
Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Engineers: Took hammer away from midget
Have a ripping good day!
Monday, September 1, 2008
Holiday Weekend
I'd like to wish a very happy birthday to my sister in law Jamie, and a happy birthday to my niece, Sarah. Sarah is a vivacious ten year old, a real cutie with ton of brains and personality. Congratulations to you both!
I'd also like to thank the people who actually read this fluff and grace it with your humorous comments. All except that small-brained-over-chested Heidi. Push me again, you beech, and I'll get medieval on you!
Brahahaha!!
For those you you who don't know, which is pretty much everyone else, beech is the official nickname that Heidi and I have for each other, since it would be a bit inappropriate for us to swear at one another constantly. Not like that stops us of anything (you whore-sack, Heidi).
Sooooo....Who wants to know Heidi's real name? I swear I'll do it, beech!
I've decided, due to the overwhelming response of people encouraging me to write again (Not! Thanks for nuthin, people!), that maybe I'll write again this week. And maybe I'll find funny quote to put on this blog. I know you're dying to read it, people!
I had to go to my father-in-laws and listen to his Obama-supporting craaaaaaap. Crap. It's crap. Did I mention it's crap? Cause it's crap. Horray for Republicans!
Is everyone getting the gist that I'm conservative? Cause I am. I would have preferred Romney, but I guess McCain will have to do. Even if he is a bit wishy-washy with his policies.
Ok, here is the part everyone has been waiting for: The joke of the wheneverIfeellikeit:
Once there was a University of Utah student and Brigham Young University student, walking down the beach (No, Heidi, not you. Calm yourself before you wet yourself). The students found a pretty bottle and fought over out. Out came a genie. The genie said, "Since you both had the bottle, you both get a wish." "Ooo, me first!" the Y student exclaimed. "I want you to build a wall all around Happy Valley (Provo, UT), so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." "Done," the genie said, snapping his fingers. "Wait a second," the U student said. "Nothing can get in, and nothing can out, right?" "Right!" the genie said. "Okay," the U student said with a smug smile. "Fill it with water."
I dedicate that one to my father, a proud graduate, with masters, from BYU.
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