As most of you well know, I'm totally obsessed with Twilight. Probably not as much as Katrina, but pretty close. The movie is coming out so soon! That's freakin awesome! Everyone, write comments to me and tell me what you love about Twilight.
Check out the pictures to the right! My best pal in Claifornia, Roy, created these photos. Don't worry, mom and dad, I really didn't dye my hair this dark. Isn't it great?
I had a great day at work today. I got to see Stephanie. We always have a great time talking. I brought kettle popcorn to Niki today, and she kept on eating it and telling me that I was "in trouble." She has problems with eating that stuff.
Last night Stacey came over for dinner. I made barbecued chicken, and french fries. I got burned a few times while frying them, but it was worth it! My AMAZING husband cleaned the house for me. I'm so lucky to have such a great slav-I mean husband.
Joke of the day:
How to screw up an interview
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:
1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."
18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
Helter Skelter
Everyone should listen to the Helter Skelter version by U2. Who here thinks that Coldplay is the modern version of U2? I do!
I've had another good week. "Liz" has had a talking to by another worker, so I don't know if she is going to yell at the kids so much. In the mornings, when I should be doing boring work like alphabetizing book shelves in the library (no offense meant, daddy dearest), instead I sit in my office and do homework. No one sees me or keeps tabs on me! I think that technically it's ok if I do my homework, but I'm not sure. And yes, I do have an office with a computer and everything! It's a first for me, and I love it! Now, if I can only get them to regulate the temperature in the computer room... Maybe the kids will be able to think a straight thought if they're not roasting!
Here is the link to Wende Batson's blog with her freakin awesome vampire story!
http://cosmickonfusion.spaces.live.com/default.aspx
Check it out people, or you are seriously lame! Lame, lame lame!
Did I say you would be lame, cause I kinda think you would be LAME if you don't check it out!
School is going well. I'm actually done writing all my paper, unless my professor wants me to rewrite anything. Cross your fingers, people! Lets hope it doesn't happen!
I was given a talk to say in church this Sunday. I'll let you know how that goes. I decided to speak on prayer. Since I do it all the time, I'm kind of an expert. (Please, make me more beautiful than anyone else.. oh, wait. That one has already been granted. Props to me!)
Just kidding.
Now, here is the joke of the day:
What is Marketing?
I've had another good week. "Liz" has had a talking to by another worker, so I don't know if she is going to yell at the kids so much. In the mornings, when I should be doing boring work like alphabetizing book shelves in the library (no offense meant, daddy dearest), instead I sit in my office and do homework. No one sees me or keeps tabs on me! I think that technically it's ok if I do my homework, but I'm not sure. And yes, I do have an office with a computer and everything! It's a first for me, and I love it! Now, if I can only get them to regulate the temperature in the computer room... Maybe the kids will be able to think a straight thought if they're not roasting!
Here is the link to Wende Batson's blog with her freakin awesome vampire story!
http://cosmickonfusion.spaces.live.com/default.aspx
Check it out people, or you are seriously lame! Lame, lame lame!
Did I say you would be lame, cause I kinda think you would be LAME if you don't check it out!
School is going well. I'm actually done writing all my paper, unless my professor wants me to rewrite anything. Cross your fingers, people! Lets hope it doesn't happen!
I was given a talk to say in church this Sunday. I'll let you know how that goes. I decided to speak on prayer. Since I do it all the time, I'm kind of an expert. (Please, make me more beautiful than anyone else.. oh, wait. That one has already been granted. Props to me!)
Just kidding.
Now, here is the joke of the day:
What is Marketing?
1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: ' I am very rich. Marry me! ' - That's Direct Marketing'
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: ' He's very rich. 'Marry him.' -That's Advertising'
3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: ' Hi,I'm very rich. 'Marry me -That's Telemarketing'
4. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say:'By the way, I'm rich. Will you 'Marry Me?' - That's Public Relations'
5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:'You are very rich! 'Can you marry Me?' - That's Brand Recognition'
6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: 'I am very rich. Marry me!'She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - 'That's Customer Feedback '
7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: 'I am very rich. Marry me!' And she introduces you to her husband. - 'That's demand and supply gap'
8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: 'I'm rich. Will you marry me?' and she goes with him- 'That's competition eating into your market share'
9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: 'I'm rich, Marry me!' your wife arrives. - ' That's restriction for entering new markets'
Friday, November 7, 2008
Kickin Butt!
Aced another history exam. Oh yeah. Right now I'm listening to I Stand Alone from the Scorpion King soundtrack. Don't listen to it unless you can handle some rough music.
So Obama is going to be our next president. Truly, this is a moment to mourn our future, people. Anyone notice all the terrorists who congratulated Obama? What does that tell you? Seriously, we're scrooed.
Just a little heads up, try to read Wende Batson's story on her blog before she takes it off! It is a great read. I'm her number one fan.
Work has been going well. Except that when I watch the kids during lunch to make sure they are doing their classwork, one of the teachers I work with, we'll call her Liz, screams at the kids and verbally abuses them! It's made both me and the kids afraid of being around her. Some people are seriously disturbed. Maybe I'm one of them.
I've been writing all of these essays for my sacred traditions class. It seems like all I do is write. Yea, I know, whine whine whine. Some people would kill to be in college. Yea, I'm very grateful. Grateful I'm almost done with the school year!
Jokeofthemoment:
Top Ten Marketing Screw Ups
1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
So Obama is going to be our next president. Truly, this is a moment to mourn our future, people. Anyone notice all the terrorists who congratulated Obama? What does that tell you? Seriously, we're scrooed.
Just a little heads up, try to read Wende Batson's story on her blog before she takes it off! It is a great read. I'm her number one fan.
Work has been going well. Except that when I watch the kids during lunch to make sure they are doing their classwork, one of the teachers I work with, we'll call her Liz, screams at the kids and verbally abuses them! It's made both me and the kids afraid of being around her. Some people are seriously disturbed. Maybe I'm one of them.
I've been writing all of these essays for my sacred traditions class. It seems like all I do is write. Yea, I know, whine whine whine. Some people would kill to be in college. Yea, I'm very grateful. Grateful I'm almost done with the school year!
Jokeofthemoment:
Top Ten Marketing Screw Ups
1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
Friday, October 31, 2008
Party Time!
I had a great party on the 24th at my old apartment. The orgy worked out splendidly for everyone. At least, I never recieved a complaint. From the people living upstairs, that is.
Oh, alright. It wasn't an orgy (don't get your hopes up, Roy).
We played games, and I gave out prizes. We played concentration, had a costunme contest, toilet paper mummy, and so on. Ben had us watch Robot Chicken. For those of you losers (oops, did I let that one slip out?) who haven't seen it, it's a movie that trashes Star Wars. It's a must see for all, so go online and buy it!
The next night we went to our ward's trunk or treat. The kids and adults all had on cute costumes. I dressed up in my usual costume, a lounge singer. Now I just need a microphone. That's all I need. Put me in front of a karaoke machine, and I'll sing my guts out. It's a great way to perform and lose weight at the same time.
For school, I did end up acing that history exam. Yea! That'll help from the one I bombed. I have all these papers to write for my anthropology class, but who doesn't? I ended up doing my book report on Judaism. I was goign to write about Wicca, but all the books at the library were stolen!The number one stolen book at the library is, you've quessed it, the bible. The number two book? The joy of sex. Wouldn't you know it. They're on to me.
Joke of the day:
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
Oh, alright. It wasn't an orgy (don't get your hopes up, Roy).
We played games, and I gave out prizes. We played concentration, had a costunme contest, toilet paper mummy, and so on. Ben had us watch Robot Chicken. For those of you losers (oops, did I let that one slip out?) who haven't seen it, it's a movie that trashes Star Wars. It's a must see for all, so go online and buy it!
The next night we went to our ward's trunk or treat. The kids and adults all had on cute costumes. I dressed up in my usual costume, a lounge singer. Now I just need a microphone. That's all I need. Put me in front of a karaoke machine, and I'll sing my guts out. It's a great way to perform and lose weight at the same time.
For school, I did end up acing that history exam. Yea! That'll help from the one I bombed. I have all these papers to write for my anthropology class, but who doesn't? I ended up doing my book report on Judaism. I was goign to write about Wicca, but all the books at the library were stolen!The number one stolen book at the library is, you've quessed it, the bible. The number two book? The joy of sex. Wouldn't you know it. They're on to me.
Joke of the day:
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Long Time, No See
It's been a whole week since I've blogged. Not that I'm getting upset about it or anything. I mean I'm not having withdrawals. No ticcccks. NO PROBLEMS. I PROMISE! *uncontrollable weeping*
Ok, that's over with.
So, I just took a test in history, and I think I knew all of the answers. That should help to make up for the deplorable grade I got on my last test. I was the first one done in class, so I don't know of that is a good or bad thing. We'll see. Brahahaha!
I have a book report to do in Sacred Rituals, so I chose the sacred rituals of the Navajo. I got this TERRIBLE book. It was worse than a technical manual. It was dry and was full of words I don't know. So you know it has to be complicated. I just got a new book from the library, so hopefully that'll be better.
My job at Eisenhower Jr High is good. I have to discipline teenagers, but hell, it's just practice; right, people? A few wacks with Mr. Discipline and they go to their desks crying. Works every time.
You know you want to do it too.
Just kidding.
Just a little shout out to my sister---thanks for dyeing my hair!
Joke of the moment!
Demerit System used by Women
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is. In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...
Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.
Simple Duties You make the bed..................................................+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1 You leave the toilet seat up......................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..................0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2 You check out a suspicious noise at night .....................0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...............0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...........+5 You pummel it with a six iron................................+10 It's her father..............................................-10
Social Engagements You stay by her side the entire party.....0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy.......-2 Named Tiffany...................-4 Tiffany is a dancer.............-6 Tiffany has implants............-8
Her Birthday You take her out to dinner..................................0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1 Okay, it is a sports bar...................................-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night.............................-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..................-10
Thoughtfulness You forget her birthday completely........................-20 You forget your anniversary...............................-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus station..............-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey............................-50 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...............-60
A Night Out With The Boys Go out with a pal .........................................-5 And the pal is happily married ............................-4 Or frighteningly single ...................................-7 And he drives a Mustang...................................-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ............-15 You have a few beers.......................................-9 And miss curfew by an hour................................-12 You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call............-20 You get home at 3 am......................................-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ..-40
Her Night Out You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work.................+5 She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late..........+10 You wait up......................................................+15 She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20
A Night Out You take her to a movie.........................................+2 You take her to a movie she likes...............................+4 You take her to a movie you hate ...............................+6 You take her to a movie you like................................-2 It's called DeathCop 3..........................................-3 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15
Flowers You buy her flowers only when it's expected..................... 0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ....+20 You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ......+30 And she contracts Lyme disease..................................-25
Your Physique You develop a noticeable potbelly...............................-15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.......-30 You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too".........-800
Finances You spend a lot of money on something impractical................-5 Something she can't use.........................................-10 Such as a motorized model airplane...............................-20 And she got a small appliance for her birthday..................-40
Driving You lost the directions on a trip...............................-4 You lost the directions and end up getting lost................-10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town .................-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal.........-25 You know them..................................................-60
The Big Question She asks, "Do I look fat?" .....................................-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding.....................................-10 You reply, "Where?".............................................-35
Communication When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression..............0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...............-20
Ok, that's over with.
So, I just took a test in history, and I think I knew all of the answers. That should help to make up for the deplorable grade I got on my last test. I was the first one done in class, so I don't know of that is a good or bad thing. We'll see. Brahahaha!
I have a book report to do in Sacred Rituals, so I chose the sacred rituals of the Navajo. I got this TERRIBLE book. It was worse than a technical manual. It was dry and was full of words I don't know. So you know it has to be complicated. I just got a new book from the library, so hopefully that'll be better.
My job at Eisenhower Jr High is good. I have to discipline teenagers, but hell, it's just practice; right, people? A few wacks with Mr. Discipline and they go to their desks crying. Works every time.
You know you want to do it too.
Just kidding.
Just a little shout out to my sister---thanks for dyeing my hair!
Joke of the moment!
Demerit System used by Women
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is. In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...
Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.
Simple Duties You make the bed..................................................+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1 You leave the toilet seat up......................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..................0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2 You check out a suspicious noise at night .....................0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...............0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...........+5 You pummel it with a six iron................................+10 It's her father..............................................-10
Social Engagements You stay by her side the entire party.....0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy.......-2 Named Tiffany...................-4 Tiffany is a dancer.............-6 Tiffany has implants............-8
Her Birthday You take her out to dinner..................................0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1 Okay, it is a sports bar...................................-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night.............................-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..................-10
Thoughtfulness You forget her birthday completely........................-20 You forget your anniversary...............................-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus station..............-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey............................-50 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...............-60
A Night Out With The Boys Go out with a pal .........................................-5 And the pal is happily married ............................-4 Or frighteningly single ...................................-7 And he drives a Mustang...................................-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ............-15 You have a few beers.......................................-9 And miss curfew by an hour................................-12 You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call............-20 You get home at 3 am......................................-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ..-40
Her Night Out You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work.................+5 She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late..........+10 You wait up......................................................+15 She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20
A Night Out You take her to a movie.........................................+2 You take her to a movie she likes...............................+4 You take her to a movie you hate ...............................+6 You take her to a movie you like................................-2 It's called DeathCop 3..........................................-3 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15
Flowers You buy her flowers only when it's expected..................... 0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ....+20 You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ......+30 And she contracts Lyme disease..................................-25
Your Physique You develop a noticeable potbelly...............................-15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.......-30 You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too".........-800
Finances You spend a lot of money on something impractical................-5 Something she can't use.........................................-10 Such as a motorized model airplane...............................-20 And she got a small appliance for her birthday..................-40
Driving You lost the directions on a trip...............................-4 You lost the directions and end up getting lost................-10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town .................-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal.........-25 You know them..................................................-60
The Big Question She asks, "Do I look fat?" .....................................-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding.....................................-10 You reply, "Where?".............................................-35
Communication When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression..............0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...............-20
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Busy, busy busy!
So...now I'm holding down two jobs and going to school. It's do-able. I like the people I work with, especially the person in charge of the computer labs. She's almost as cool as I am...almost. But not as cool as the Beech....(that's Heidi). Oh, sorry. I promised I wouldn't write about skanks anymore. Sorry, Heidi, you're not getting anymore hype from this blog!
Oh she knows I'm kidding.
I prepared for my annual Halloween party yesterday. There are going to be fun games and prizes! I hope people enjoy what I have set up for them! They'd better...or else I'll make them do terrible things. Like wear shirts that say "Support your local socialist! Vote Democrat!" Yea, that's a good idea.
Lots of love people!
Quote of the moment:
Where are we going and what's with this handbasket?
Tell me you get it.
Joke of the moment:
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Laura Turner during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
Oh she knows I'm kidding.
I prepared for my annual Halloween party yesterday. There are going to be fun games and prizes! I hope people enjoy what I have set up for them! They'd better...or else I'll make them do terrible things. Like wear shirts that say "Support your local socialist! Vote Democrat!" Yea, that's a good idea.
Lots of love people!
Quote of the moment:
Where are we going and what's with this handbasket?
Tell me you get it.
Joke of the moment:
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Laura Turner during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
Friday, October 10, 2008
A New Job!
Things are looking up! I have a new job as a teacher's aide at Eisenhower Jr. High. It will be challenging, but what job isn't? I'll be helping kids with their reading, and I'll be helping out in the computer lab. These poor kids jsut can't read at their normal level, due to poverty. That's really sad, people. Good thing teacher's aides are there to help! Now, the next trick is to convince these kids that they need to learn to read...we all know how jr. high students are. Any advice, people? I would appreciate it!
Jokeoftheday:
Tech Support Stories
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Enter Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the Any Key is. *
AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. *
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies. *
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. *
A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. *
A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer." *
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse. *
Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?" *
Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first. *
In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems. *
True story from a Novell NetWare Sysop: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive. *
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine." *
Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems, the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry. It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the basics, then went over and printed out a test sheet. It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the printer. As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me. I told her to wait until the paper came out on its own. Problem solved.
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.
And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the tutor over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The tutor tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I typed, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back as this appeared on their screen. "What the..." the tutor said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: "Don't touch me!" Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard." Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer, and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters. Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters." Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"
My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
Jokeoftheday:
Tech Support Stories
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Enter Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the Any Key is. *
AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. *
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies. *
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. *
A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. *
A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer." *
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse. *
Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?" *
Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first. *
In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems. *
True story from a Novell NetWare Sysop: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive. *
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine." *
Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems, the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry. It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the basics, then went over and printed out a test sheet. It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the printer. As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me. I told her to wait until the paper came out on its own. Problem solved.
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.
And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the tutor over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The tutor tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I typed, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back as this appeared on their screen. "What the..." the tutor said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: "Don't touch me!" Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard." Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer, and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters. Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters." Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"
My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
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