Too much going on!

I had to open my big mouth and say life was easy! But NoOOooo! I am in the middle of getting a new job,working my current job as a nanny, working on college, and finding a new place to live. It's a mess. I know, gripe gripe gripe. I am so messed up right now that I totally missed out on the fact that I had a test today! I totally guessed my way through half of it. Oh well. What can you do? I'm just juggling too much on my plate right now. Luckily, I've found some good jobs to apply for that pay well and have good hours. I hope I get a job I can handle, because that would mean I'm working two jobs and going to school. Some people can handle that, but it's a bit much for me. Plus, I have to apply and go to the University of Utah next fall.  Arguh!!!!

I'm too stressed out to be funny right now, people. Sorry. Still, here is a joke for ya!

Some of these are repeated, but some  are new. Have fun!

I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before..

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'llsqueeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good quality plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

Another "A"!

I actually did better on this last history test than on my previous one. Yea! That's awesome. I'm listening to "Change" by the deftones. It's uber creepy, check it out (except mom and dad)! Creepy, kinda like my husband's love for me. There's only a ten year difference. He's not a dirty old man or anything.
What does that make me? A gold digger? Probably...
I fed Kat and Richard enormous amounts of chocolate cake last night. It feels so good to see someone enjoy my cooking. My neighbor Wes tells me I should sell it in a stand on the street. I can see it now: Lacey's "special" brownies.
teeheehee
I was offered special brownies at a frat party once. Yea, that was a long time ago. I turned it down. Phew!
Joke of the moment:
Ode to Roaches

Good afternoon, you scuttling bastards.
I tried to be reasonable with you. At first, we had a stable relationship. I knew you were there, and every now and then I'd see one of you, but in general you kept quiet and had the good sense to scurry for hiding when I turned the lights on. One of you periodically stepped out of line, and had to be squashed, and then everything went back to normal. If you had just continued in that manner, we could have lived this entire year in peaceful coexistence.
But no, you had to get greedy. I began to see you more frequently, and in larger numbers. Your lights-on scurry grew slower and slower and became more of a relaxed trot, then a walk. Eventually, you had the audacity to sit right where you were and shake your head feelers at me. You had gone too far. It was time for war.
I began periodic sweeps of the apartment, armed with paper towels, and squashed anything that moved. I removed every possible food source from anywhere you might be able to reach it, even adding extra layers of wrapping to items in the fridge, just in case one of you somehow managed to make it inside. A couple of times, I even turned the lights off and stood motionless for five minutes, then flicked them back on and rained horrible death upon whichever of you had been lured out. I really thought this would have been enough to make my point.
However, you continued to defy all logic and reasoning, and to multiply and grow bolder. Three of you ran across my foot once; I killed two, but left one alive (but severely maimed) to tell the tale... clearly, you were beginning to affect my sanity, and I needed to up the ante in order to regain the upper hand in the battle for control of my apartment. So, I added the roach spray to my arsenal. This had little effect and made my apartment smell extremely questionable; I guess you vermin won that round.
I notified the management company, who has always been very responsive to any problem I have had with the place. There was some vague talk of fumigating or spraying or some other unspecified pest removal solution; somehow it kept falling through the cracks, and nothing ever happened. Well, I'm not sure who you bribed or threatened for that little stunt, but it was time to show you little 6-legged thugs that I wasn't afraid of you, no matter what kind of "connections" you had.
I had no alternative, I had to buy the roach poison traps. The way these are supposed to work is this - the cockroach smells the tasty poison/food, wanders into the trap, eats, returns to his/her hiding place, and then dies. The practical result is that they should appear to vanish from your home like magic. However, you at my apartment had grown not only bold, but complacent. After eating, you all just kinda decided to hang out for a while, and as a result died in an odd sort of corpse constellation across my kitchen floor.
The destruction was horrific. Some of your dead were being carried off by those who survived, almost like soldiers dragging the wounded into foxholes. Many of you were still twitching, apparently writhing in agony from the effects of the poison. The ravages of war are never pretty, and being a gentle person, part of me felt a little bit of remorse.
But now you know that it is, as they say, "on", and I'll push you #@%&ers all the way back to apartment 601 if I have to...
Sincerely, Fellow Apartment Dweller/Agent of your Doom

Warfare

Apparantly, you can claim that you are a conscientious objector if you get drafted. I had no idea that this existed. Of course, people always want out of the navy. Not that I blame them. You know, all that singing and dancing.
"...Come on and join your fellow man, in the navy!"
I mean, wouldn't you be worrying about other men checking you out? Now I know how Heidi feels when I...well...nevermind.
My history professor ususally tests us on waht he lectures, one section at a time!
This time, he asked us about stuff so old, I don't remember half of it! Unfreakin believable! I claim that he's the disorganized one. I studied exactly what I was supposed to. So there. I'm not pouting, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!
Joke of the moment:

Texas Chili Contest
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For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who has visited from Springfield IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge 3)
Chili #1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili
>Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>Judge #3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint on my driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili #2 Austin's Afterburner Chili
>Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>Judge #2 -- Exiting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
>Judge #3 -- Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
>Judge #2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all the beer...
Chili #4 Dave's Black Magic
>Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
>Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5 Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover
>Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>Judge #3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off may forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili #6 Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety
>Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
> Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
> Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili #7 Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chili
>Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>Judge #2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last minute. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lave to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 Karen’s Toenail Curling Chili
>Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to REALLY hot chili.

Mormonism

I've decided that college professors should NOT lecture on Mormonism unless they can be completely, uhhh, what's the word I'm looking for, PROFESSIONAL about it? My professor, I won't say which, tried to lecture a bit on Mormonism. Nice try. We should let a real professional lecture on Mormonism. Like Carl Marx.
Not a good one?
How about Groucho Marx.
Damn. Too many Marx's.
So, people, let's bring in your votes! Who do you think should lecture on Mormonism? They have to be famous, and you can't say Palin. I was already thinking of that one. And it can't be a Saturday Night Live sketch. I'd hate to think of the backlash....
Joke of the day! Possibly my funniest joke yet!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:...
*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better*.
*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."*
*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget about it.*
*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan!, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!*
*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!
*While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.
*I was working in an aquarium, when some new guy who was recently hired was given the task of feeding the fish. He started throwing in friggin peanuts! I walked up to him, looking angry, and said to him, "Damn it! They can't digest that! All they can do is lick your nuts!". Needless to say, I quit.

Gliding through

Announcement: It was my brother Jeremy's birthday on the 15th! Happy birthday, my dear brother!
Ever feel like you're just gliding through something? I just aced my paper on a film that protrays sacred rituals, The Last Samurai. It was lots of fun to write. But then, how hard is it to write a paper on a movie? Speaking of movie, everyone should see Babylon AD. Holy cow: hot Vin Diesel, lots of things blowing up, Vin Diesel, guns shooting, Vin Diesel, martial arts, did I mention Vin Diesel? Cause he's a yummy little piece of meat. Holla, ladies!
I visited my sister this last Saturday. Always a pleasant time. She bought a hole lot of things from the scrapbooking convention. She has more artisitc talent in her little finger than I do in both buttocks.
You should see how much talent I have with those.
On Sunday I went to my mom-in-laws, Kathy, and visited with her and my nieces (Joe's kids). They are such delightful little girls, always giving me hugs! They are as beautiful as they are smart. It's such a pleasure to have this extended family! Then again, I have a weakness for little kids!
Like an I'm-hungry-and-they-sound-good-right-now weakness. Salt and Pepper. Yum.
I'd like to dedicate a song to my sweet hubbie: #1 Crush by Garbage. Check it out, people! Yea, it's as sick as I am. In a good way.
Joke of the day!
Hello! Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline!
If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly, being certain to touch the table and counting to 10 between each press.
If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press since no one will answer.
If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.
If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to help worthless people like you.
And thank you for calling the Mental Health Hotline!

Little Girls

Little girls are everywhere in my life! I'm married to one, I'm best friends with one (you know who you are!) I'm related to a few (I'll let you wonder who that is), and I'm one. It's rather hard to escape yourself. Believe me, I've tried!
Why do you think I write?
So what...everyone does something to escape themselves. People daydream..that's where we get books, movies, and tv from. Even blogs.
Here is a quote from my book:
Darien laid his hand possessively on Sabeens' shoulder again, and she knocked his hand off with a forceful move. He lost his balance and smacked into the lockers, an action that Sabeen barely noticed. Bryce snickered. {end quote}
Hmmm, who does Sabeen remind you'all of?
Yep, you've guessed it.
Want a cookie?
The funny picture of the day is off to the side}}} It's lemon suicide!

Depeche Mode

Who doesn't listen to Depeche Mode? I've been collecting a list of songs so I can have a friend of mine burn them to a cd for me. What are friends for? Free work? Isn't that called slavey?
I'm always on that slave subject. Probably because I have so many of them-Heidi, Heidi, not to mention Heidi. Did I say Heidi, cause she's my best slave! Rarely complains, loves to feed me peeled grapes. Or is it the other way around? No, I love to feed her small, raw animals. She has to keep up that figure for me!
Quote from my book:
Sabeen gracefully wandered over and seated herself. The redhead immediately reached out and handled Sabeen’s hair.
“Wow, girlie. What do you do to keep that shine up? Mayonnaise?”Sabeen giggled. “Yep. Lots and lots of mayonnaise."
I love that mayo line. The redhead is designed after Heidi. You know, loud-mouthed, doesn't know when to NOT say something, can't keep her mouth shut--oh, hell. I hate it when I describe myself again.
I made a crown with Ruby. Naturally, it was pink and coverd with plastic jewels. Stevi made her own crown, and did a great job! She also worked really hard on her homework, and I'm really proud of her.
FunnyPictureoftheDay:
Over to the side>