Deep Thoughts

Christmas

2010-12-27T09:58:00.000-08:00

Christmas is so much fun! Minus all those annoying little issues...like crazy traffic, undercooked leftovers that make you throw up (yep, really happened---and I was the one who cooked it, too), and so on.
Christmas Eve, we ate a "breakfast" lunch at Katrina's. She is such a great cook and host. Richard even bullied me around a bit. It's all in good fun. That night, we went to my brother-in-law's house for dinner and to have a white elephant gift party. My nieces are learning to open up the gifts that I bring...they are the least stupid out of all the gifts that everyone brings. Keeping in mind that stupid gifts are sorta the point.
Thank you to everyone who got us such thoughtful and wonderful presents! Ben and I really appreciate it!
Christmas day we watched funny online videos in the morning, then visited Ben's other brother, oo'ing and aw'ing over what they got for Christmas. I'm telling you they didn't have this kind of cool stuff when we were kids. We were lucky to have an iron hoop that we rolled down frozen streets with a wet noodle. My dad says all that exercise was good for me, like how he used to run away from yaks as a kid.
Can't trust yaks. Temperamental things.
We saw the new Narnia movie with Ben's mom and other brother. It was lots of fun...not as much fun as yaks, but I make do. Then we visited with Ben's father and his wife. They fed me bread and water. No joke. But hey, I literally asked for it, so there you are.
Chuck Norris fact of the day:
Chuck Norris has never worn glasses in his life. If he can't see it, then it doesn't exist.
Video link of the day:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/149646/saturday-night-live-snl-digital-short-great-day
Joke of the day: WARNING: It is PG-13!

RULE BOOK FOR GUYS

Rules from men to women:
Men are NOT mind readers.
Learn to work the toilet seat. Youre a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You dont hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Sunday sports . Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. Thats what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
If you wont dress like the Victoria s Secret girls, dont Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think youre fat, you probably are. Dont ask us.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing, We will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you dont want an answer to, Expect an answer you dont want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine Really .
Dont ask us what were thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Rules from men to men:
1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse b) After wrecking your boss' Ferrari c) When your date is using her teeth
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes
7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
11. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.
12. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
13. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
14. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?
15. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
16. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.
If you're a guy: You will laugh a little and realize how true this is!
If you're a woman: Laugh and roll your eyes at our stupidity!

Christmas Break

2010-12-17T14:17:00.000-08:00

Guess what day it is? No, not National Worship Lacey Day...my endless petitions to the government on that have been ignored for some reason. Can't imagine why. Today is the first day of my Christmas Break. And yes, I will be egging someone's house to celebrate.
Ok, so maybe egging is a bit extreme. How about I try and wrap some presents instead? I mean, when it comes to me, Extreme Wrapping is a sport. You see, a combination of: me, tape, wrapping paper, and scissors is never a good thing. The resulting "wrapped" present looks like I blindfolded myself, used a cleaver instead of a decent pair of scissors, and asked a 3 year old to help me wrap. And gave them the cleaver.
No kidding. Asking me to wrap a present is like asking Obama to stop trying and take over the world.
See? It's impossible.
Here is the video link on the day...Instructions: Watch this first video all the way through...(I know, try), and then watch the second video. You will laugh till you pee.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1PBptSDIh8
And now this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMoWt0wnlUw
Good stuff, huh? And now for the Chuck Norris fact of the day:
Chuck Norris was in all 6 Star Wars movies...as the Force.
And now the Joke of the Day:

Essays
Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are won't to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Thank you for reading, everyone! And don't forget to check out the latest funny picture on the right!

Thanksgiving

2010-11-27T10:30:00.000-08:00

Happy shopping weekend everyone! I hope you had a great Thanksgiving. I surely did! The food was great. Especially the mashed potatoes. Oh, wait...I made those. What can I say, I rock at cook---I mean everyone did a great job contributing the food they made.
I had a chance to go visit my aunt in New Harmony along with my mother, sister, brother, and their families. It was so nice seeing everyone! We went out beating in mail boxes with baseball bats. Or was that a dream I had last night? Oh, ok. It was just in my head. But it's something I'd like to try someday. Like the day it becomes legal. I think I'll be waiting awhile for that one to happen. My brother in law is a cop...maybe he could put in a good word for me?
I have recently started a new job working for the Salt Lake City School District as a Group Leader in the after school program at an elementary. The kids are soooo cute! I'd love to take them home, wrap them up in glittery paper, and hand them out as stocking stuffers for Christmas.
I've got to stop having these little fantasies.
Now for the Joke of the Day!

Useless Inventions
1. Non stick Cellotape 2. Solar Powered Flash Light 3. A black highlighter pen 4. Glow in the dark sunglasses 5. Inflatable Anchor 6. Smooth Sandpaper 7. Waterproof sponge 8. Waterproof Teabags 9. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators 10. Fireproof Matches 11. Fireproof Cigarettes 12. Battery powered Battery Charger 13. Seatbelts for Motorbikes 14. Hand powered Chainsaw 15. Inflatable Dartboard 16. Silent Alarm Clock 17. A Pedal powered wheelchair 18. Braille Drivers Manual 19. Double sided playing cards 20. Ejector seats for Helicopters

Valentines Day

2010-02-14T14:11:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentines Day everyone! Remember, clap if you think Valentines Day is an excuse to eat chocolate. Believe, somewhere, somehow, I will hear you!
We had some parties at school on Friday. Those little sweethearts (yes, I'm referring to 6th graders) gave me so much candy, I can feel myself expanding through osmosis. Women everywhere know what I mean.
Ben is starting work for the census in about a week. I won't see much of him, and I will actually have to start doing (*gasp*!) housework! Heaven forbid I actually do anything other than be lazy when I get home! Men, you know how I feel...
Oh, that was funny, and you know it.
The following clip is a thumbs up to all of you Monty Pithon and the Holy Grail/ Star Trek fans! It is appropriate for all ages.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luVjkTEIoJc
Joke of the day: It is PG!

Marijuana in the kitchen!

A lady writes in to her local newspaper's advice column: Hi, I think that my son might have a marijuana plant growing in my kitchen. What should I do?
The next day, the answer was posted in the paper: Take some of the leaves, cut them up, mix them in with some tobacco, roll it into a cigarette and smoke it. If you're still worried afterwards, then it's a sunflower.

Not that I would know anything about that kind of stuff...I promise. Just ask my parole officer.
Check out my new pic to the right!

New Moon

2009-11-23T14:53:00.000-08:00

A bunch of shirtless, Native American guys running around. Can we say "secret fetish," people? Yes, that is basically the movie New Moon. One huge piece of eye candy. I really enjoyed it, as you can tell. Phew. Just thinking about it makes me want to check a scale to see how many pounds I've sweated off. Haha, I made a funny.
Last Friday I had a Buffy-a-thon! That's where we watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer for hours. We watched it from 3-7pm, all the while eating chocolate fondue. It was lots of fun! Props to the members of the VC!
As usual, work has been going well. I'm lucky to work with such a group of nice people. The kids are great, too. Especailly with a little salt and pepper. Maybe a dash of hot sauce. Shaken, not stirred.
I was finally able to sit down and write out two pages of outline for my new story, Essence of Rayne. I can't even tell you how good that feels. Anyone interested in checking it out? Email me at legolacey@yahoo.com
Oh, and also Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope you all gain weight, so I can feel better about myself. Oh, no she didn't!
The following clip totally trashe's Twilight. Ah, I just can't resist it.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/107500/saturday-night-live-digital-short-firelight
Joke of the week:
Ponderisms
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Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

Vampire Club

2009-11-16T15:59:00.000-08:00

It's official. I now have a little vampire club, consisting of a few poor souls and myself, and biggest freak of them all. Completely nerdy, right? Well, what can you do? NOT have fun? I don't think so.
This past Sat I went to my mother in laws house, Kathy, with a cooked meal and a cake and we celebrated her 21st birthday. Happy birthday, Kathy! We also watched Disney's "Up," a great little film. Not spectacular, but everyones a critic, right?
Ben has just been wonderful to me, as usual. I've totally been able to count on him to help keep the house clean. I would do the cooking, but what with my new low-carb diet going on, we just don't eat the same things anymore, so Ben won't even let me cook for him at times. Unbuuuuuuuuleavable. Sometimes I think he's way too good for me. Perhaps I'm right.
This little short below TOTALLY trashes Twilight. No worries, I'm still a die hard fan. It's good to not take yourself seriously from time to time.
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DdompotjTeIA&h=17e99c43310db60ad398b2e4e078b230
Check out my new funny picture on the right!
Joke of the week:
Actual Newspaper Headlines
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought!]
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Halloween

2009-11-09T16:52:00.000-08:00

Happy-after-Halloween-I've-got-a-headache-from-drinking-too-much everyone! I trust I fine that everyone has survived Halloween, only to move onto the over-commericalized Holiday Season called Christmas. That's right, people. It's not this "happy holidays" crap. It's only "merry Chirstmas" around here, douncha knoooow.
This following clip is toatlly rated PG, and is appropriate for everyone to see. It's a music video of the song "Love Me Dead" from the band Ludo. It's histerical, I promise!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCU1JYmGxcA

This last Halloween, I went out to my favorite Thai food place with a friend from my ward, as well as the teacher I work with. It was pleasant. That afternoon, I went to my mother-in-law's house, Kathy, and watched War of the Worlds and talked. A lot. One of the many things I love about that woman. Our ability to talk about anything for hours.
Ben and I came home earlier than planned, so we didn't have any candy to hand out to the cute kids who came by. So, instead, I handed out Weight Watchers food. Yea........."Have a healthy Halloween, kids. I know where you WON'T be going next year."
"Mommy, this food tastes funny..." "Yea, suck it up, kid. It's good fer ya." *grunt, grunt* *scratch, scratch*
Work has been going well, even though I've been given even MORE assignments to do, but oh well. What can I say? No? Yea, I actually like being employed, thank you very much.
I have lost my nanny job. They found someone else who can work all the hours they need. That's ok, I feel relieved. Now I have more time to write my new book, and just have fun!
Great news...My best friend from high school, Melissa, came by for dinner last night. She is such a doll! I love her more than ever. What a blessing to have her in my life.
I have disovered some things about my health that are not so great...one of my medications has caused me to be borderline diabetic. Also, my iron levels are low. So, I am now on a low carb diet, with plans to join a gym. I will change me medication at the end of the month, and I take iron suppliments and eat a spinach salad every night. Whew. Just what I need, more problems...but that's ok, because life goes on, and my health problems aren't totally serious yet.

Joke of the week: Also, check out the new picture on the right!

The Stella Awards
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It's time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards." The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck of New Mexico who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States. Here are this year's winners:
7th Place: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
6th Place: 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
5th Place: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
1st Place: This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

Vampirama!

2009-10-26T15:17:00.000-07:00

Happy Monday! It's been the start of another great week. Saturday, I took my nieces to the Crazy Corn Maze in West Jordan. We even took them through the haunted section. Those ninnies. It wasn't scary at all. Of course, this is coming from the self-annointed Queen of Vampires. I hope I didn't scar those girls for life. Well, it'll toughin them up. Isn't that what life's about? Being tough?
So, have I said anything about getting my book edited? My editor did a thorough job, I must say. Yea, it was hard to take, but such is life. I've decided to start a whole new book, one that will have all of the suggestions that my editor has given me. It is good advice, and I do want to publish something someday. Might as well start anew.
Here is a little funny blurp from SNL. Again. This will become a habit. Warning: It IS PG-13.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/102965/saturday-night-live-beauty-and-the-beast
Don't forget to check out my inspirational picture on the right!
Also, my joke of the day:
Wisdom From the Military
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"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ... The pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common ex pressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...! "
"Friendly fire - isn't"
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

Hobbie weekend...

2009-10-19T15:35:00.000-07:00

Hey, everybody! It's Dr. Nick!
Only Simpsons watchers will get that.
I have another SNL short right here...WARNING: It's really PG-13. Everything is bleeped out, and it is REALLY funny, but be warned!
http://www.hulu.com/watch/1404/saturday-night-live-snl-digital-short-natalie-raps
So, this last weekend...in my exciting life..I ignored the house and concentrated on my hobbies. I felt so refreshed by the end of the weekend! It pays to play!
I watched all of season one of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Awesome. And I watched almost all of the Vampire Diaries. And I read books about vampires. Again...awesome.
Oh, and I fit in scripture reading on top of that.
Think I had time for Ben? Uuuhhhh, yea. Ben. I'm married to that guy, right?
Just kidding. I made time for my wonderful hubbie. He doesn't really care what I do...as long as I'm happy. Well, I'm happy being married to him.
I'd like to dedicate this blog to my mother, Laurel. She is the best mom ever! She listens patiently to my boring life, and even cares! Props to mom. Have a great week, people...and don't forget to order your Pamphered Chef from my sister in law Wende Batson! Check out the new pic on the right!
Joke of the day: BELIEVE it or not , These are REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich . Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
My Personal Favorite!!! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is……….
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police.

I throw it on the ground...

2009-10-12T16:35:00.000-07:00

Yo, people! The title "I throw it on the ground" is brought to you by the SNL short about a rapping actor who throws things on the ground. Check it out!

http://www.hulu.com/watch/99944/saturday-night-live-digital-short-on-the-ground

It's too funny, I promise. Hey, have I ever lied to you? ... Ever? ... Well, let's not go into that.
I was sick yesterday, and stayed home from church. It's a sucky feeling.
I have been reading a great series about the "Night World" by L.J. Smith. It's totally awesome! It's clean, for a series about vampires and werewolves.
A little tip from me, something to make life a bit more entertaining...talk in a Minnesota accent as much as you can. In fact, my new voicemail is a Sarah Palin spoof, so call my phone and listen to it! It's fuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnyyyy.
And speaking of funny, again, check out my new picture on the right. That mouse has been in a lab for faaaaaaaarrrrrr too long.
Life is pretty good...can't complain much. Well, I want to, but not publically. Know what I mean? Ok, that's all for now.
Joke of the day:

Healthy Level of Insanity
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How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'.
3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing along at the Opera.
6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
8. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

UEA

2009-10-05T16:42:00.001-07:00

I have been off of work since last Thursday because of UEA. Bless the education system. I have been able to keep up with visiting a few friends, going to do sessions at the Temple, and I have been watching Conference with my sister Kat. She fed me the most delicious maple pumpkin cake. Crap, that woman can bake! She spoils me. Every girl should cook for their siblings. It's in their sister contract. Ha. That reminds me. My father used to say he was allowed to humiliate me, because it was in his "daddy contract." I just know I'm going to use that one on my future kids. Heck, I might even use it on the kids I work with now...
..."I'm allowed to torture you...it's in my nanny contract...now shut up and go get the duct tape." lol
I'd like to dedicate this blog to my sister-in-law Wende. Wende, you are the best. I have complete faith in your writing abilities! I'm your biggest fan! Everyone should know what a neat, easy-going, intelligent, kind-hearted, beautiful woman Wende is.
I hope I've thoroughly embarrassed you, Wende. I'm allowed to do that. It's in my sister-in-law contract. Brahahha!
Joke of the day:

Thoughts from 25-35 year olds
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-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
-There is a great need for sarcasm font.
-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.
-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and I instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories
-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

Ben is back!

2009-09-21T17:02:00.000-07:00

Hip hip huzzah! Meine liebe is back! Poor Ben has worked so hard at his day job and at the Fair, his feet were bleeding when I massaged his tootsies a few days ago. What a great, hard working guy! And when I came home today, the dishes were done and he was cooking dinner. Where did he drop from, heaven??? Ouch. Hard landing.

I now have 3, count that, 3 freakin jobs. I work as a Teacher's Aid, and as a nanny, and now I work after school as well. I stinkin live at Redwood Elementary. I know what you're thinking...la-di-freakin-dah, she works 3 jobs. Well, I'm a bit stressed, but it's good for me to be so busy. I feel better, mentally, that way. My friend at work job me a huge Dr. Pepper, and I totally needed the sugar and caffeine to keep me going. I even offered some of it to the teacher I work with, Amanda. She gratefully took a few sips. I'm not a germaphobe or anything, so it's no biggie.

Boo-hoo!

2009-09-14T15:47:00.000-07:00

Ben is working at the Utah State Fair, as well as his usual day job (offing gophers with a shot gun...man I'm jealous) for the rest of this week. Boo-hoo! I'm so alone!
Not really alone...I still have peeps to hang with. So I'd like to thank all the individuals who hang out with me in my pathetic, I-can't-stand-being-alone stage. Don't worry, I'll get over it. Someday. So, in the meantime, I eat whatever I want...not that Ben holds me back or anything. It's just that I know he doesn't like cereal for dinner every night. Something about proper nutrition, I don't know. But still, it's great eating breakfast foods every night, especially since I have to do the dishes now. Yep, just a bowl and a spoon for me!
That's right, people. Ben always does all the dishes for me. Isn't he great? I'm UNBULEAVABLY lazy. I do have a good excuse for my laziness, though. Just give me a second to think of one....nope. Fresh out of lame-butt excuses. How about it, anyone? Anyone want to make up an excuse for me? Oh, I've got it. I'm busy pursuing my career as an author. Yea, that's a good one. Makes me sound so serious and motivated...so un-me.
Seriously, though, I just found out that I have a good reputation at work. Wow. I've worked have for that, so that is a nice compliment. Life is going good. Warning: The following joke is a little off beat. Enjoy!
Joke of the day:

top 50 childrens book that didnt quite work
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1. You are Different and That’s Bad
2. Take a Walk Down the Railroad Tracks with Me
3. Dad’s New Wife ‘Greg’
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An "I-Can-Do-It" Book:
6. A Children's Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mommy Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. How to Kick Ass At School
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. Adoption: A Fresh Start
13. Grandpa's new Casket
14. Fun With Abandoned Refrigerators
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get your Way
19. Why You Were An Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes Froggy, And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
23. Nightmares: Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid
24. A Child's Guide to Final Arrangments
25. Eggs, Toilet paper, and your School
26. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
29. The Surprise at the Bottom of the Pool
30. If It Feels Good, Touch It!
31. Making Grown-Up Friends On The Internet
32. 101 Fun Games To Play In The Road
33. You Can’t Help It If You’re Stupid
34. Patty Went Splat! (Don’t YOU Forget Your Seatbelt)
35. Bullies Have More Fun
36. Mommy’s Got A New Baby To Love
37. Timmy’s The Wrong Color To Be Your Friend
38. I Dare You! 101 Challenges To Prove You’re Not A Sissy
39. Michael Jackson’s “Fun” Place
40. Harry Potter and the Stoned Sorcerer
41. I Am My Own Grandpa
42. Who’s My Daddy?
43. Fatherhood: A Guide for the Adolescent
44. Small Objects and Electrical Outlets
45. Different Daddies Each Day of the Week
46. Operation and Nomenclature of the Colt 1911-A1 .45 ACP
47. Little Hands, Big Toasters
48. How To Make A Plastic Bag Space Helmet
49. Santa Claus And Other Lies Your Parents Told You
50. Fun With Things Under The Kitchen Sink

School...

2009-09-05T10:08:00.000-07:00

Life is crazy busy most times...what with two jobs and all. But life isgood. I just got back in touch with an old friend Melissa Chung...It's awesome. She's a great friend from the old days of attending Las Vegas Academy.
I am quite occupied at Redwood Elementary. I don't care what other people think of 6th graders...they are fantastic. I love working with them. The teacher I work with, Ms. Thompson, is fun and kind. Most of the staff at the school is nice, and I enjoy talking with them. It's theraputic. Especially when I want to take some students and stuff them into the ventallation shafts. Just some of them. Most are great.
My other job is going ok too...it will take a little while for the kids to adjust to me again, but I'm sure things will work out well.
Joke of the day:
The Great Debate
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About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.
So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

Funerals

2009-08-17T16:45:00.000-07:00

Just to answer the poll I had going to the side here...What is my book about? The answer is 'intergalactic vampires.' Thank you to those who participated.
So I have just returned from the second funeral in two weeks. The first time was in Cedar City, and the second was in Las Vegas. What an emotional rollercoaster. My sympathies to the families.
On a happier note, I have had an opportuniy to see much of my wonderful close and extended family. I love them all so much. It was so nice to see Gary, Jeremy, Wende and Heather. What stupendous people. I won the family lottery.
And a quick shout out to my old friend, who is practically my brother, Jason Linebarger. He paid for Ben and I to go and see the Titanic Exibition. Thanks, Jason! It was a really emotional exibition, and really well put together. It's also haunted. Brahahahaha!
Our computer is fixed and back! I don't know if my flashdrive is compatable, so I can write on the laptop, but I will find out tomorrow. Cross your fingers, people!
I had my orientation for my job as a Teacher's Aid at Redwood Elementary today. I LOVE my boss. She is so kind and intelligent. The whole crew of workers all seem so pleasant... I look forward to working with them!
Joke of the day:
A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.
While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic !
1. Don't change horses .......until they stop running.
2. Strike while the .............................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before ......Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ............termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ........how?
6. Don't bite the hand that .................looks dirty.
7. No news is ..........................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a ............Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ............... math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ..............stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust .............. me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ................... pigs.
13. An idle mind is .............the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ................. pollution.
15. Happy the bride who ............gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ......................not much.
17. Two's company, three's .............. the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what .......... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ...........you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ............Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ...............spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed .........get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you .......see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind .... get out of the way.
And the WINNER and the last one...
25. Better late than .............pregnant! __._,_.___

A Day Off

2009-08-05T08:49:00.000-07:00

I was off of work yesterday. I mostly just took it easy (you can tell these are pre-kids days). Heidi got my computer fixed! Thanks Heidi! She will probably have it mailed to me this week. Good thing, too, because I am going crazy without being able to work on my story! Know what I mean? You just think of something over and over again...but there is nothing you can do about it. Arguh! It's like wanting the Cubs to win. (That one was for my father...a huge Cubs fan)
We went to a neighborhood block party last night. It was nice to meet with the locals, as well as the law enforcement and firepeople that came to visit. Ben and I arew big fans of people who work those kind of jobs. They are the real heroes. I met up with my friend Renee, and she is working on reading my book. She said many kind things about it, and she gave me much encouragement. I really appreciate people like that in my life.
I'd like to dedicate this blog to my cousin Jason McDonald, who passed away recently. May God watch over the entire McDonald clan.
Joke of the day: Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
People, don't forget to vote on my question to the right>>>>

Long time, no see...

2009-08-03T17:02:00.000-07:00

Hello people! Crap, it's been a long time. Not that my life is essential to anyone's well-being or anything. So here is how things are going now. I am nannying two wonderful kids, Ashley (6) and Brandon (9). They are good kids, and are super easy to watch. We go swimming nearly every day, and I try to take them to the park or somewhere every morning. We have lots of fun. The parents are easy going and treat me like family. Aw, it's going good. I have recently finished writing my book, Fighting Alias, and a good friend of mine is editing it for me. I just hope I can handle being told it's crap! Still, women are telling me that they enjoy the romance and the fighting scenes. Goooooooood, goooooooooood.
Here is my quote of the day: Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Nothing personal...lol.
Everyone check out my facebook page under Lacey Batson. Love ya!

Conference

2009-04-04T13:02:00.001-07:00

Hello everyone! A number of weeks ago, I went to Idaho with my sister Kat to visit Jamie Black, my adopted brother, and his family. They are such wonderful people, I love them sooooooooooo much! Dad flew in as well, and I had a good time picking on him, oops, I mean talking to him. Really, he is a great sport, and I love to tease him when I can. I'm not the only one who likes to tease; Jamie is hilarious, and enjoys teasing his sisters when he can. In the morning, I asked if the shower was available, and he said no! He told me that I had to use a hose slung over a tree in the back yard instead. What a kidder!
Work has been going well. I have been having fun socializing with my peers at work. The teachers and staff at Eisenhower JrH are amazing! I have been enjoying nannying the boys as well. They have been very well behaved for me; I am so proud of them! I got them a treat last week, and they were so happy about it and appreciative! I can't wait to take them all kinds of places this summer!
Conference is this weekend; I have been listening religiously (pun intended) to it. I love hearing the advice and encouragement from the leaders for the church! It's so great that we are led by such steady and pure-hearted people!
I'd like to dedicate this section to a good friend of mine named Barbara. I visit her every Sunday, and she is a great friend to me. She is a strong-minded, faithful, kind person, and I love her very much! Thank you, Barbara, for being a loyal and encouraging friend. My life is better because I know you.
Ok, people, have a great week!
Joke of the day:

Things To Do On An Elevator
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Things to do on an Elevator
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.”
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.”
14) WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!”
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don’t exist.
22) CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it.

Valentines

2009-02-20T14:08:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had a great Valentine's Day! Ben took me to a restaurant called Z Tejas. It's a Southwestern chain, and I had really good food! The vice-presidents to the Utah Jazz were sitting near us. The following Monday I didn't have to work, and I laid around and meditated. I'm a bit stressed from both jobs, so I meditate any time I have time. I play Enya music, sit in the chair that rocks, use muscle relaxation, and just sit or rock for the longest time. I got a professional massage from a woman in the ward. She was so professional and efficient, I loved it! I'm sick right now with a cough, which I probably got from the boys I nanny. I'm not upset or anything, that's just what happens when you work with kids. Everyone at Eisenhower Jr High was real sympathetic, which I appreciated. Who doesn't love attention? We had spirit week at school, and the kids got to wear all kinds of interesting outfits all week. We had an assembly, at the kids and teachers alike danced. I enjoyed it immensely. Heidi sent me the funniest text! It read:
Dear Diary,
Today I made Carlisle think he was in love with Edward. Again.
Love, Jasper
So I sent her one of my own today:
Dear Diary,
Glued a scratch and sniff sticker to the bottom of a pool. The dumb blonde inhaled a lot of water, but didn't drown. Damn.
Love, Jacob
Lets put a vote to it, people! Which one do you think is funnier? Send your vote to legolacey@yahoo.com
Joke of the day: Warning! If you're sensitive, don't read it!

NEw rules
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These should be the rules of the real world.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids:.... lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: Stop sending me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chilli. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months: "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

A Break, for a Change

2009-02-07T13:06:00.001-08:00

Happy Saturday people! I have done next to nothing this Saturday morning. That's a change! Usually I'm running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. Well, I did clean the house, but that's a given. I'd like to thank my sister Kat for letting me go to her house on Sunday mornings to work on my story. It means a lot to me!
Guess what I think I might do today? That's right, folks! Go see Twilight again! Aw, it's worth it. Props to people who understand my little obsession.
This week was good. I love writing while at work, and I sometimes pull out a page a day. That's pretty good, considering how I type sporadically throughout the day.
I ran into some behavioral problems with one of the boys I watch, but it was solved within the night. I called the mother, and she spoke to the child and straightened him out. He is normally a very loving child, so I'm not concerned. I showed the boys starwarsspoofs.com and they loved it! They laughed so hard. It's a great site, people; check it out! Your kids will love it too!
Joke of the week:

Top 50 OXYMORONS

50. Act naturally 49. Found missing 48. Resident alien 47. Advanced BASIC 46. Genuine imitation 45. Airline Food 44. Good grief 43. Same difference 42. Almost exactly 41. Government organization 40. Sanitary landfill 39. Alone together 38. Legally drunk 37. Silent scream 36. British fashion 35. Living dead 34. Small crowd 33. Business ethics 32. Soft rock 31. Butt Head 30. Military Intelligence 29. Software documentation 28. New York culture 27. New classic 26. Sweet sorrow 25. Childproof 24. "Now, then ..." 23. Synthetic natural gas 22. Christian Scientists 21. Passive aggression 20. Taped live 19. Clearly misunderstood 18. Peace force 17. Extinct Life 16. Temporary tax increase 15. Computer jock 14. Plastic glasses 13. Terribly pleased 12. Computer security 11. Political science 10. Tight slacks 9. Definite maybe 8. Pretty ugly 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake 6. Diet ice cream 5. Rap music 4. Working vacation 3. Exact estimate 2. Religious tolerance 1. Microsoft Works

Busy Week

2009-01-31T12:06:00.000-08:00

Hey, how is everybody doing? My husband just started this great new blog called http://crazy-liberals.blogspot.com everyone should check it out!
I'm a bit tired from a busy week, but who isn't? I have been very busy working on my story at my teacher's aid job. I'm lucky I have time to do it there; very few people can actually write at their job. I wrote in a few fight scenes. Man, writing is one of my passions.
This morning I went to a relief society brunch, and visited with my sister Kat. This afternoon we are going to watch The Dutchess.
Last night I saw Eagle Eye. It's a great movie people, check it out!
I had a good time nannying the boys. We made soem candy from an Easter candy set--it made a mess in the kitchen, but was lots of fun!
Joke of the week:
Young Chuck moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next Day he drove up and said, "Sorry, Son, but I have some bad news, The horse died."
Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened With that dead horse?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a Piece and made a net profit of $898.00."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Chuck grew up and now works for the government.

Holidays

2009-01-23T16:06:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since I've written anything. Christmas was great. I'd like to thank everyone for the wonderful gifts they gave me! I have to admit, though---giving gifts is my favorite part of Christmas. I gave my sister Kat some Twilight memorabilia. I hope she likes it!
Ben is working towards becoming a member of the LDS Church's Security. He needs to become a policeman first in order to qualify for the Church's training program. I'm so proud of him! I got him a charcoal grill. He refuses to use it because it is too "cold." If Cliff Huxtable can do it, so can Ben. Come to think of it, so can I. Maybe I will.
Aw, meat. I'm a meatatarian. It's a lifestyle choice.
My brother Eric came to Utah for New Years. It was great too see his family. He's an awesome dad. I tried sushi for the first time. Now I can't get enough of it! Ben and I went to Temple Square to see the lights. As usual, the church really does a great job at making Chirstmas magical.
I've officially seen the movie Twilight four times. The girls at my job have seen it six times, and I have every intention of matching that. No, I'm not in competition or anything...Brahahha!
I love my job at Eisenhower Jr High. I'm getting to know some of the kids, and I think they're great. Even the little crap heads.
No, nevermind. I don't like those ones.
I have a second job now as a nanny for three wonderful kids out in Draper, which is south of Salt Lake. By like about 150 miles. Or so it seems. The boys, Thomas, Ryan and James, are just great! They are super smart and lots of fun. They like talking to me so much, I have to make them take turns! Aw, aren't people just great right before they get jaded and stop caring about what you think?
Or is that just me I'm thinking of?
Little shout out: I love you Heidi!
By the way, my sister-in-law Wende is really sick, so please remember her in your prayers! We love you Wende!
Joke of the day:

The Rules of Writing
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1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And finally...
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Ode to My Husband

2008-12-07T15:16:00.000-08:00

I'd like to dedicate this one to my great husband. He is a wonderful man, and I appreciate him very much. He always helps me around the house, and never lets me do the dishes (because he does them!). He is unfailingly kind, patient, loving, thoughtful, fun, intelligent, spiritual, and gentle. He is an example to all men on how they should be. Ben is my best friend; I couldn't ask for anyone better. He reminds me of my father.
In school, I am taking my last final in history on Monday. I hope it's not too difficult to do!
I have a new church calling. I am playing piano for the primary. I am very rusty at playing piano, and I need to get into the church building everyday to practice. Maybe the kids won't mind iffy playing.
Joke of the moment:
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"
When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" I asked. "Yes, 'Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas." "How nice," I said. "Where does she live?" "At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and she was always correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are you doing?" his Mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men and she asked him why they were there and he said "On TV they say, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!' "
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
THE ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
"When I Die, I Want To Die Like My Grandfather Who Died Peacefully In His Sleep. Not Screaming Like All The Passengers In His Car."

Thanksgiving!

2008-11-29T11:04:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was awesome! I went to my brother-in-law's place. The nieces were really cute, crawling all over me and talking with me. I taught what it meant to be "honorable." Who knows how that came up. The food was incredible (Great job, Joe and Kathy!). I called everyone in my family, including my near-brother Jamie Black. He invited Ben and I over for Christmas. We'll have to see if that's in the budget. I don't think all my S&M stuff will make room for a travel budget. You know, too many whips and handcuffs. Of course, I could always do a traveling show, but I don't think my husband would take too well to posing as the Bearded Lady.
Finals are coming up, and I have been studying like mad. Mad, I tell you! Brahahahah! Oh, phew! That moment passed.
I finally saw the movie Twilight. It's not gonna win and Oscar's or anything, but I enjoyed it very much! Edward was HOT. As for the other characters, it was a well casted movie. I'm so glad I didn't have any embarrassing dreams about Edward. Guess that menas I really do love Ben. Whatddaya know.
Lol. No really, my husband is great. I wouldn't be nearly as happy as I am now without him.
Joke of the moment:

Things I've learned
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I'm safe from identity theft, no one wants to be me.
Great people in history have one thing in commom, they are all psychos.
Yogurt is not now and will not ever be a substiute for ice cream.
Thanksgiving is wrong, you get the day off but you have to spend it with your family.
Rumor has it, that people are having children on purpose.
God bless America. (But not any of those other, evil countries.)
Smile, it's our only defense against gravity.
The worst part about being poor is that you have to live among poor people.
Behind every success story is another story about someone having that same exact idea 5 years earlier.
Denial: The first step is admitting that there are no problems.
If you want revenge on a married man, just call his house and and hang up every time his wife answers.
The whoopie cushion is the seat of all humor.
Men are free to do whatever they please, just as long as their wife okays it.
We cheer Robin Hood when he steals from the rich and gives to the poor, but detest the poor when they do the same thing.
In a hundred years you won't have to worry about money.
It's okay to be late as long as you bring donuts.
Soccer is the only game you can say- "We killed em' 2-0."
Arguements between your spouse and you rarely end with whatever.
Never, under any circumstance, not even once in a while, is it okay to wear socks with sandals.
The two cruelest words ever linked together, mandatory meeting.
Never trust a story that has been told more than once.
The best weight loss system is sticking a mirror inside of your fridge.
and the most important thing....
If you get arrested, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

The Movie is out!

2008-11-21T10:14:00.000-08:00

Go see Twilight, people! I'm sure it's a good movie. NO, I haven't seen it yet, but I intend to. Plus, listen to their signature song, Decode by Paramore. It rocks! To answer some questions asked by an anonymous commenter (Who are you , bty?): The picture of the woman on top is my best friend in Cedar City, Heidi Baxley. She freakin rocks! LeRoy, the person who created the pictures, is my best friend in California. I've known them both for many years now, and depend on them for ALL OF MY EMOTIONALLY NEEDS. Just kidding. Ben does that.
You think I'm kidding about that? Just ask the poor fellow. You know, I MADE him marry me. I promised lots of money, and...you know. Obviously, he said yes.
Do you think he gets what he wants?
Ask him.
Today we are celebrating Wes Roberts's birthday! Happy birthday to ya, man. You're awesome!
I had to shelve and re alphabetize books in the library yesterday at work. OMGoodness, it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO boring! I thought my eyes were going to pop out of my head. I'm the kind of person who needs to be busier than that. Know what I mean?
Joke of the moment:

Divorce Letter !!

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!

Have a great life! > Your EX-Wife

*********************************************************** ********************************

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.

But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

Twilight

2008-11-18T14:30:00.000-08:00

As most of you well know, I'm totally obsessed with Twilight. Probably not as much as Katrina, but pretty close. The movie is coming out so soon! That's freakin awesome! Everyone, write comments to me and tell me what you love about Twilight.
Check out the pictures to the right! My best pal in Claifornia, Roy, created these photos. Don't worry, mom and dad, I really didn't dye my hair this dark. Isn't it great?
I had a great day at work today. I got to see Stephanie. We always have a great time talking. I brought kettle popcorn to Niki today, and she kept on eating it and telling me that I was "in trouble." She has problems with eating that stuff.
Last night Stacey came over for dinner. I made barbecued chicken, and french fries. I got burned a few times while frying them, but it was worth it! My AMAZING husband cleaned the house for me. I'm so lucky to have such a great slav-I mean husband.
Joke of the day:

How to screw up an interview
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:
1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."
18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

Helter Skelter

2008-11-14T10:11:00.000-08:00

Everyone should listen to the Helter Skelter version by U2. Who here thinks that Coldplay is the modern version of U2? I do!
I've had another good week. "Liz" has had a talking to by another worker, so I don't know if she is going to yell at the kids so much. In the mornings, when I should be doing boring work like alphabetizing book shelves in the library (no offense meant, daddy dearest), instead I sit in my office and do homework. No one sees me or keeps tabs on me! I think that technically it's ok if I do my homework, but I'm not sure. And yes, I do have an office with a computer and everything! It's a first for me, and I love it! Now, if I can only get them to regulate the temperature in the computer room... Maybe the kids will be able to think a straight thought if they're not roasting!
Here is the link to Wende Batson's blog with her freakin awesome vampire story!
http://cosmickonfusion.spaces.live.com/default.aspx
Check it out people, or you are seriously lame! Lame, lame lame!
Did I say you would be lame, cause I kinda think you would be LAME if you don't check it out!
School is going well. I'm actually done writing all my paper, unless my professor wants me to rewrite anything. Cross your fingers, people! Lets hope it doesn't happen!
I was given a talk to say in church this Sunday. I'll let you know how that goes. I decided to speak on prayer. Since I do it all the time, I'm kind of an expert. (Please, make me more beautiful than anyone else.. oh, wait. That one has already been granted. Props to me!)
Just kidding.
Now, here is the joke of the day:
What is Marketing?

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: ' I am very rich. Marry me! ' - That's Direct Marketing'

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: ' He's very rich. 'Marry him.' -That's Advertising'

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: ' Hi,I'm very rich. 'Marry me -That's Telemarketing'

4. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say:'By the way, I'm rich. Will you 'Marry Me?' - That's Public Relations'

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:'You are very rich! 'Can you marry Me?' - That's Brand Recognition'

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: 'I am very rich. Marry me!'She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - 'That's Customer Feedback '

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: 'I am very rich. Marry me!' And she introduces you to her husband. - 'That's demand and supply gap'

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: 'I'm rich. Will you marry me?' and she goes with him- 'That's competition eating into your market share'

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: 'I'm rich, Marry me!' your wife arrives. - ' That's restriction for entering new markets'

Kickin Butt!

2008-11-07T08:22:00.000-08:00

Aced another history exam. Oh yeah. Right now I'm listening to I Stand Alone from the Scorpion King soundtrack. Don't listen to it unless you can handle some rough music.
So Obama is going to be our next president. Truly, this is a moment to mourn our future, people. Anyone notice all the terrorists who congratulated Obama? What does that tell you? Seriously, we're scrooed.
Just a little heads up, try to read Wende Batson's story on her blog before she takes it off! It is a great read. I'm her number one fan.
Work has been going well. Except that when I watch the kids during lunch to make sure they are doing their classwork, one of the teachers I work with, we'll call her Liz, screams at the kids and verbally abuses them! It's made both me and the kids afraid of being around her. Some people are seriously disturbed. Maybe I'm one of them.
I've been writing all of these essays for my sacred traditions class. It seems like all I do is write. Yea, I know, whine whine whine. Some people would kill to be in college. Yea, I'm very grateful. Grateful I'm almost done with the school year!
Jokeofthemoment:

Top Ten Marketing Screw Ups
1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

Party Time!

2008-10-31T13:13:00.000-07:00

I had a great party on the 24th at my old apartment. The orgy worked out splendidly for everyone. At least, I never recieved a complaint. From the people living upstairs, that is.
Oh, alright. It wasn't an orgy (don't get your hopes up, Roy).
We played games, and I gave out prizes. We played concentration, had a costunme contest, toilet paper mummy, and so on. Ben had us watch Robot Chicken. For those of you losers (oops, did I let that one slip out?) who haven't seen it, it's a movie that trashes Star Wars. It's a must see for all, so go online and buy it!
The next night we went to our ward's trunk or treat. The kids and adults all had on cute costumes. I dressed up in my usual costume, a lounge singer. Now I just need a microphone. That's all I need. Put me in front of a karaoke machine, and I'll sing my guts out. It's a great way to perform and lose weight at the same time.
For school, I did end up acing that history exam. Yea! That'll help from the one I bombed. I have all these papers to write for my anthropology class, but who doesn't? I ended up doing my book report on Judaism. I was goign to write about Wicca, but all the books at the library were stolen!The number one stolen book at the library is, you've quessed it, the bible. The number two book? The joy of sex. Wouldn't you know it. They're on to me.
Joke of the day:
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

Long Time, No See

2008-10-22T15:04:00.000-07:00

It's been a whole week since I've blogged. Not that I'm getting upset about it or anything. I mean I'm not having withdrawals. No ticcccks. NO PROBLEMS. I PROMISE! *uncontrollable weeping*
Ok, that's over with.
So, I just took a test in history, and I think I knew all of the answers. That should help to make up for the deplorable grade I got on my last test. I was the first one done in class, so I don't know of that is a good or bad thing. We'll see. Brahahaha!
I have a book report to do in Sacred Rituals, so I chose the sacred rituals of the Navajo. I got this TERRIBLE book. It was worse than a technical manual. It was dry and was full of words I don't know. So you know it has to be complicated. I just got a new book from the library, so hopefully that'll be better.
My job at Eisenhower Jr High is good. I have to discipline teenagers, but hell, it's just practice; right, people? A few wacks with Mr. Discipline and they go to their desks crying. Works every time.
You know you want to do it too.
Just kidding.
Just a little shout out to my sister---thanks for dyeing my hair!
Joke of the moment!
Demerit System used by Women
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is. In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...
Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.
Simple Duties You make the bed..................................................+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1 You leave the toilet seat up......................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..................0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2 You check out a suspicious noise at night .....................0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...............0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...........+5 You pummel it with a six iron................................+10 It's her father..............................................-10
Social Engagements You stay by her side the entire party.....0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy.......-2 Named Tiffany...................-4 Tiffany is a dancer.............-6 Tiffany has implants............-8
Her Birthday You take her out to dinner..................................0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1 Okay, it is a sports bar...................................-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night.............................-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..................-10
Thoughtfulness You forget her birthday completely........................-20 You forget your anniversary...............................-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus station..............-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey............................-50 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...............-60
A Night Out With The Boys Go out with a pal .........................................-5 And the pal is happily married ............................-4 Or frighteningly single ...................................-7 And he drives a Mustang...................................-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ............-15 You have a few beers.......................................-9 And miss curfew by an hour................................-12 You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call............-20 You get home at 3 am......................................-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ..-40
Her Night Out You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work.................+5 She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late..........+10 You wait up......................................................+15 She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20
A Night Out You take her to a movie.........................................+2 You take her to a movie she likes...............................+4 You take her to a movie you hate ...............................+6 You take her to a movie you like................................-2 It's called DeathCop 3..........................................-3 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15
Flowers You buy her flowers only when it's expected..................... 0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ....+20 You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ......+30 And she contracts Lyme disease..................................-25
Your Physique You develop a noticeable potbelly...............................-15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.......-30 You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too".........-800
Finances You spend a lot of money on something impractical................-5 Something she can't use.........................................-10 Such as a motorized model airplane...............................-20 And she got a small appliance for her birthday..................-40
Driving You lost the directions on a trip...............................-4 You lost the directions and end up getting lost................-10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town .................-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal.........-25 You know them..................................................-60
The Big Question She asks, "Do I look fat?" .....................................-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding.....................................-10 You reply, "Where?".............................................-35
Communication When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression..............0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...............-20

Busy, busy busy!

2008-10-15T14:17:00.000-07:00

So...now I'm holding down two jobs and going to school. It's do-able. I like the people I work with, especially the person in charge of the computer labs. She's almost as cool as I am...almost. But not as cool as the Beech....(that's Heidi). Oh, sorry. I promised I wouldn't write about skanks anymore. Sorry, Heidi, you're not getting anymore hype from this blog!
Oh she knows I'm kidding.
I prepared for my annual Halloween party yesterday. There are going to be fun games and prizes! I hope people enjoy what I have set up for them! They'd better...or else I'll make them do terrible things. Like wear shirts that say "Support your local socialist! Vote Democrat!" Yea, that's a good idea.
Lots of love people!
Quote of the moment:
Where are we going and what's with this handbasket?
Tell me you get it.
Joke of the moment:
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Laura Turner during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.

A New Job!

2008-10-10T10:18:00.001-07:00

Things are looking up! I have a new job as a teacher's aide at Eisenhower Jr. High. It will be challenging, but what job isn't? I'll be helping kids with their reading, and I'll be helping out in the computer lab. These poor kids jsut can't read at their normal level, due to poverty. That's really sad, people. Good thing teacher's aides are there to help! Now, the next trick is to convince these kids that they need to learn to read...we all know how jr. high students are. Any advice, people? I would appreciate it!
Jokeoftheday:

Tech Support Stories
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Enter Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the Any Key is. *
AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. *
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies. *
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. *
A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. *
A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer." *
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse. *
Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?" *
Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first. *
In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems. *
True story from a Novell NetWare Sysop: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive. *
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine." *
Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems, the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry. It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the basics, then went over and printed out a test sheet. It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the printer. As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me. I told her to wait until the paper came out on its own. Problem solved.
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.
And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the tutor over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The tutor tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I typed, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back as this appeared on their screen. "What the..." the tutor said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: "Don't touch me!" Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard." Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer, and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters. Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters." Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"
My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

Too much going on!

2008-10-08T15:16:00.000-07:00

I had to open my big mouth and say life was easy! But NoOOooo! I am in the middle of getting a new job,working my current job as a nanny, working on college, and finding a new place to live. It's a mess. I know, gripe gripe gripe. I am so messed up right now that I totally missed out on the fact that I had a test today! I totally guessed my way through half of it. Oh well. What can you do? I'm just juggling too much on my plate right now. Luckily, I've found some good jobs to apply for that pay well and have good hours. I hope I get a job I can handle, because that would mean I'm working two jobs and going to school. Some people can handle that, but it's a bit much for me. Plus, I have to apply and go to the University of Utah next fall. Arguh!!!!

I'm too stressed out to be funny right now, people. Sorry. Still, here is a joke for ya!

Some of these are repeated, but some are new. Have fun!

I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before..

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'llsqueeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good quality plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

Another "A"!

2008-10-01T11:42:00.000-07:00

I actually did better on this last history test than on my previous one. Yea! That's awesome. I'm listening to "Change" by the deftones. It's uber creepy, check it out (except mom and dad)! Creepy, kinda like my husband's love for me. There's only a ten year difference. He's not a dirty old man or anything.
What does that make me? A gold digger? Probably...
I fed Kat and Richard enormous amounts of chocolate cake last night. It feels so good to see someone enjoy my cooking. My neighbor Wes tells me I should sell it in a stand on the street. I can see it now: Lacey's "special" brownies.
teeheehee
I was offered special brownies at a frat party once. Yea, that was a long time ago. I turned it down. Phew!
Joke of the moment:
Ode to Roaches

Good afternoon, you scuttling bastards.
I tried to be reasonable with you. At first, we had a stable relationship. I knew you were there, and every now and then I'd see one of you, but in general you kept quiet and had the good sense to scurry for hiding when I turned the lights on. One of you periodically stepped out of line, and had to be squashed, and then everything went back to normal. If you had just continued in that manner, we could have lived this entire year in peaceful coexistence.
But no, you had to get greedy. I began to see you more frequently, and in larger numbers. Your lights-on scurry grew slower and slower and became more of a relaxed trot, then a walk. Eventually, you had the audacity to sit right where you were and shake your head feelers at me. You had gone too far. It was time for war.
I began periodic sweeps of the apartment, armed with paper towels, and squashed anything that moved. I removed every possible food source from anywhere you might be able to reach it, even adding extra layers of wrapping to items in the fridge, just in case one of you somehow managed to make it inside. A couple of times, I even turned the lights off and stood motionless for five minutes, then flicked them back on and rained horrible death upon whichever of you had been lured out. I really thought this would have been enough to make my point.
However, you continued to defy all logic and reasoning, and to multiply and grow bolder. Three of you ran across my foot once; I killed two, but left one alive (but severely maimed) to tell the tale... clearly, you were beginning to affect my sanity, and I needed to up the ante in order to regain the upper hand in the battle for control of my apartment. So, I added the roach spray to my arsenal. This had little effect and made my apartment smell extremely questionable; I guess you vermin won that round.
I notified the management company, who has always been very responsive to any problem I have had with the place. There was some vague talk of fumigating or spraying or some other unspecified pest removal solution; somehow it kept falling through the cracks, and nothing ever happened. Well, I'm not sure who you bribed or threatened for that little stunt, but it was time to show you little 6-legged thugs that I wasn't afraid of you, no matter what kind of "connections" you had.
I had no alternative, I had to buy the roach poison traps. The way these are supposed to work is this - the cockroach smells the tasty poison/food, wanders into the trap, eats, returns to his/her hiding place, and then dies. The practical result is that they should appear to vanish from your home like magic. However, you at my apartment had grown not only bold, but complacent. After eating, you all just kinda decided to hang out for a while, and as a result died in an odd sort of corpse constellation across my kitchen floor.
The destruction was horrific. Some of your dead were being carried off by those who survived, almost like soldiers dragging the wounded into foxholes. Many of you were still twitching, apparently writhing in agony from the effects of the poison. The ravages of war are never pretty, and being a gentle person, part of me felt a little bit of remorse.
But now you know that it is, as they say, "on", and I'll push you #@%&ers all the way back to apartment 601 if I have to...
Sincerely, Fellow Apartment Dweller/Agent of your Doom

Warfare

2008-09-26T09:36:00.000-07:00

Apparantly, you can claim that you are a conscientious objector if you get drafted. I had no idea that this existed. Of course, people always want out of the navy. Not that I blame them. You know, all that singing and dancing.
"...Come on and join your fellow man, in the navy!"
I mean, wouldn't you be worrying about other men checking you out? Now I know how Heidi feels when I...well...nevermind.
My history professor ususally tests us on waht he lectures, one section at a time!
This time, he asked us about stuff so old, I don't remember half of it! Unfreakin believable! I claim that he's the disorganized one. I studied exactly what I was supposed to. So there. I'm not pouting, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!
Joke of the moment:

Texas Chili Contest
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For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who has visited from Springfield IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge 3)
Chili #1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili
>Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>Judge #3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint on my driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili #2 Austin's Afterburner Chili
>Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>Judge #2 -- Exiting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
>Judge #3 -- Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
>Judge #2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all the beer...
Chili #4 Dave's Black Magic
>Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
>Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5 Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover
>Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>Judge #3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off may forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili #6 Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety
>Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
> Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
> Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili #7 Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chili
>Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>Judge #2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last minute. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lave to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 Karen’s Toenail Curling Chili
>Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to REALLY hot chili.

Mormonism

2008-09-24T10:39:00.000-07:00

I've decided that college professors should NOT lecture on Mormonism unless they can be completely, uhhh, what's the word I'm looking for, PROFESSIONAL about it? My professor, I won't say which, tried to lecture a bit on Mormonism. Nice try. We should let a real professional lecture on Mormonism. Like Carl Marx.
Not a good one?
How about Groucho Marx.
Damn. Too many Marx's.
So, people, let's bring in your votes! Who do you think should lecture on Mormonism? They have to be famous, and you can't say Palin. I was already thinking of that one. And it can't be a Saturday Night Live sketch. I'd hate to think of the backlash....
Joke of the day! Possibly my funniest joke yet!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:...
*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better*.
*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."*
*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget about it.*
*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan!, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!*
*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!
*While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.
*I was working in an aquarium, when some new guy who was recently hired was given the task of feeding the fish. He started throwing in friggin peanuts! I walked up to him, looking angry, and said to him, "Damn it! They can't digest that! All they can do is lick your nuts!". Needless to say, I quit.

Gliding through

2008-09-22T10:13:00.000-07:00

Announcement: It was my brother Jeremy's birthday on the 15th! Happy birthday, my dear brother!
Ever feel like you're just gliding through something? I just aced my paper on a film that protrays sacred rituals, The Last Samurai. It was lots of fun to write. But then, how hard is it to write a paper on a movie? Speaking of movie, everyone should see Babylon AD. Holy cow: hot Vin Diesel, lots of things blowing up, Vin Diesel, guns shooting, Vin Diesel, martial arts, did I mention Vin Diesel? Cause he's a yummy little piece of meat. Holla, ladies!
I visited my sister this last Saturday. Always a pleasant time. She bought a hole lot of things from the scrapbooking convention. She has more artisitc talent in her little finger than I do in both buttocks.
You should see how much talent I have with those.
On Sunday I went to my mom-in-laws, Kathy, and visited with her and my nieces (Joe's kids). They are such delightful little girls, always giving me hugs! They are as beautiful as they are smart. It's such a pleasure to have this extended family! Then again, I have a weakness for little kids!
Like an I'm-hungry-and-they-sound-good-right-now weakness. Salt and Pepper. Yum.
I'd like to dedicate a song to my sweet hubbie: #1 Crush by Garbage. Check it out, people! Yea, it's as sick as I am. In a good way.
Joke of the day!
Hello! Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline!
If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly, being certain to touch the table and counting to 10 between each press.
If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press since no one will answer.
If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.
If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to help worthless people like you.
And thank you for calling the Mental Health Hotline!

Little Girls

2008-09-19T08:59:00.000-07:00

Little girls are everywhere in my life! I'm married to one, I'm best friends with one (you know who you are!) I'm related to a few (I'll let you wonder who that is), and I'm one. It's rather hard to escape yourself. Believe me, I've tried!
Why do you think I write?
So what...everyone does something to escape themselves. People daydream..that's where we get books, movies, and tv from. Even blogs.
Here is a quote from my book:
Darien laid his hand possessively on Sabeens' shoulder again, and she knocked his hand off with a forceful move. He lost his balance and smacked into the lockers, an action that Sabeen barely noticed. Bryce snickered. {end quote}
Hmmm, who does Sabeen remind you'all of?
Yep, you've guessed it.
Want a cookie?
The funny picture of the day is off to the side}}} It's lemon suicide!

Depeche Mode

2008-09-17T09:01:00.000-07:00

Who doesn't listen to Depeche Mode? I've been collecting a list of songs so I can have a friend of mine burn them to a cd for me. What are friends for? Free work? Isn't that called slavey?
I'm always on that slave subject. Probably because I have so many of them-Heidi, Heidi, not to mention Heidi. Did I say Heidi, cause she's my best slave! Rarely complains, loves to feed me peeled grapes. Or is it the other way around? No, I love to feed her small, raw animals. She has to keep up that figure for me!
Quote from my book:
Sabeen gracefully wandered over and seated herself. The redhead immediately reached out and handled Sabeen’s hair.
“Wow, girlie. What do you do to keep that shine up? Mayonnaise?”Sabeen giggled. “Yep. Lots and lots of mayonnaise."
I love that mayo line. The redhead is designed after Heidi. You know, loud-mouthed, doesn't know when to NOT say something, can't keep her mouth shut--oh, hell. I hate it when I describe myself again.
I made a crown with Ruby. Naturally, it was pink and coverd with plastic jewels. Stevi made her own crown, and did a great job! She also worked really hard on her homework, and I'm really proud of her.
FunnyPictureoftheDay:
Over to the side>

Utah State Fair

2008-09-15T10:07:00.000-07:00

So, my main man and I went to the Utah State Fair last Friday. It was lots of fun! I couldn't get a funnel cake in time to go, but I did get a fat bag of kettle corn! Man, it's gonna take me weeks to go through it. We got to see tigers perform, and we even saw some white tigers! There are, what, 30-odd left in the world? It was neat to just sit and watch them play. Rolling on the ground. Beating rubber balls around. Biting one another. You know, kinda like when Heidi and I play.
I also had something called barbecue nachos. Wow. Talk about amazing. I'll tell you what, though...I go to the fair to people watch as well as animal watch. So, whats the difference, you ask? The people have money. That's what.
Why do I go to the effort of washing the sheets if I'm not gonna make the bed? It usually stays that way until I go crazy or until Ben takes pity on me and makes the damn thing. Option number two is more likely to occur than option number one. How about you people? Tell me about a quirk you have that your significant other has to help you with.
Jokeofthemoment:
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.!!!
Now some people are really stupid!!!!
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died in January.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' (I really liked this part!!!!)
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' (Duh!)
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.' (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number is given )
After they get the fax:
Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank: 'That might help.'
Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'What do you do with dead people on your planet???
(Priceless!!)

Easy Peasy

2008-09-12T10:01:00.000-07:00

I've got a fairly simple life. One might almost refer to it as easy peasy. Depends on the day. Now, I'll be changing my tune as soon as I have kids, or I go to a harder college next fall (which I plan on doing). But in the meantime, I'm just coasting through. This is probably the first time in my life that I've ever thought this way. I owe most of it to my AMAZING slave--I mean husband. (Don't worry, Heidi. You'll always be slave number one!) Of course, I do have financial issues, but who doesn't? We're makin it, my hubbie and me!
So...I've come up with this hilarious idea, and my buddy Wes is helping me out with it. We are going to film "Ode to a comic book fan's wife" around Halloween. BTW, people, my Halloween party is on October 25Th, a Saturday, so PLAN ON COMING. Or else. I'll think of something nasty for you to do, like scrub between my toes with a toothbrush, then use that same toothbrush to brush your teeth, or something really offensive. Give me time. I will think of something. Maybe I'll make you wear a shirt that says "I love terrorists! Do you support Obama too?"
Oh, that was really offensive, I'm sure! Brahahahha!
So, anyways, we are going to film a whole series that features a man in a superheroes outfit, and his normally dressed wife. They go out into the world, doing ordinary things together, but it never works out well for the wife because the husband is always getting into some mischief. It may not sound too funny now, buy wait till you see it! We'll put it on you tube, and I'll have an uplink on this site. Sorry, you'll have to wait awhile too see it.
I know, I'm crying too. On the inside.
Wes is freakin brilliant, and we have written the scenes together. He'll direct it, and he'll even let me help out. Awesome. If you have any ideas, people, email me and let me know! Remember, the humor has to come out of the fact that the man is wearing a superheroes costume. legolacey@yahoo.com
Jokeofthesecond:
Wouldn't it be nice to just give all the idiots of the world signs?
Idiot # 1 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.
Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 2 Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon which activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 3 A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. He read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 5 Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
(Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 6 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
(This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 7 Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
(Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 8 Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am flashed a gun and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said the couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Life is nothin but a fat rat race

2008-09-10T09:59:00.000-07:00

Life is nothin...it is nothin...but a kick in the face...life is nothin...it is nothin...life is nothin but a fat rat race!
Quote from the movie Rat Race...check it out!
I finished my paper early on the movie The Last Samurai, like a nerd. I wrote about ritual suicide, and other samurai traditions. Who came up with that one? I think I'll just stick this here kaniffy in my belly and see what comes of it.
Wait.
Where am I going and what's with this handbasket?
*evil laugh*
I emailed it to my professor, and he didn't have any suggestions. Yea! I love Sacred Rituals. Except for my stupid magic and witchcraft book. Freakin tree humpers and animal sacrificers. Well, not that I have a problem with sacrificing chickens, or porkers, or mooers, or anything that goes to the Lacey's Stomach Foundation. Anyone can make a donation anytime Mon-Fri 9am-5pm. Come to think of it, I think you're all past due. I accept cash only, so you'll have to visit me in person to donate to the worthy cause. I swear it's worth it.
To me.
Now, here is a quote from my book:
"You're a figging vampire!" Sabeen hissed angrily into [Darien's] ear. "Of course I'm terrified to go out with you! I hunt your kind. You. Are. The. Enemy." She finished off in clipped words.
A little bit of dramatics for ya. Now, for my jokeofthemoment:
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing nearby. He asked the woman, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The woman replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my husband did.'

Point for women.
Ok, so I may have modified the joke a bit.

Frequent Daydreamer Miles

2008-09-08T10:39:00.000-07:00

I'd like to make an announcement that I've stacked up on frequent daydreamer miles, and that I'm vacationing to the tropic side of Glornak 7, if anyone wishes to join me? I believe that Beech (Heidi) can fly first class with me first, since she's the one who came up with the term in the first place. Beech can carry the bags like the good little slave she is.
Too harsh a word? Very well. How about servant-who-is-not-paid? I like the ring of that.
I really didn't do much this last weekend. My messy apartment will attest to that. I'm even too damn lazy to put the sheets on the bed. Ben doesn't even complain. He's a good sla-I mean husband. It seems like one really can't find good help (slaves) these days.
Oh, just kidding Ben. You know Heidi's my only Beech!
I did spend some quality time with my sister Saturday. Her house is already decorated for fall, and it's just beautiful! She has such good taste. Must have inherited it from me.
I need some suggestions people! I have to watch a modern movie that exhibits sacred traditions of some kind. Any ideas?
Don't forget to answer the question at the bottom of the page!
Jokes of the day:
I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before..
PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'llsqueeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good quality plates?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

Boo-yah!

2008-09-05T10:01:00.000-07:00

Who just aced their history exam?
I did!
Who is smarter than Heidi?
I am!
Who is now entering Glornak 7?..ughn.....
Hmmm, where was I? Oh, yea-
Smooch my butt, you big-boobed, loud mouthed, attractive girl, you!
Oh, wait---I just described myself! Well, I blame Glornak 7. It's a staycation, dammit!
Now, for a quote from my story: "Go talk to him [Arran], and be nice." "I am nice [Sabeen]." And sexy, too. [Sabeen's thoughts]. Ego, ego, everywhere." [End quote]
Sabeen's so much more egotistical than I am...
I swear...
Why don't you believe me?
I had a blast watching Ruby and Stevi last night. They are so low maintenance! They mostly stick to the Disney Channel. I'm glad they have something clean to watch. Ruby, who's three, loves to watch the same movies over and over.
And over and over.
To top it off, she wants me to join her. So I do. Who can resist a blond haired, blue eyed, three year old female? I know I can't... Wait, that isn't as bad as it sounds. Hmmm, is she joking? You'll never know! Good thing Heidi is a brunette.
Stevi is a great older sister, who shares her sister's good looks. That seven year old is such a superhelper, with whatever I need. She is also learning how to cook easy things, like top ramen. I'm so proud of her.
These kids have definately inherited their parent's sweet dispositions. It's a great family.
And a great nanny. Oh, wait a second---that's me.
Here is the jokeofthemoment:
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. --Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," she remorsefully replied. --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive." --Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener." --won't admit his name

Live long and prosper! Now, where have I heard that one before?

Unfreakin Believable

2008-09-03T10:23:00.001-07:00

I'll have you know that "unfreakin believable" is a quote from Brian, my favorite character on Family Guy. I know it's a iffy show, but it's freakin hilarious!
You know what is funniest show on tv is? Scrubs. It's such a scream! I want everyone, who has been cool enough to follow along with this show, to tell me who their favorite character is. Here is a lesson from Scrubs: Glornack 7. It's the place you go when you want to daydream. I'm often in Glornak 7, thinking about my book and when I should actually write next...
It's ok to invite people to join you on Glornack 7...they just have to be invited in order for them to join the club. So, everyone, sit back, tilt your heads, and go into Glornack 7 with me...
Awww...Turk....Oh, sorry! Where was I? I sure hope Ben doesn't read this. I luv wuu, honey bunches!
No, I really don't talk that way. Unless I want something. And I ususally get what I want.
Today I got 100% on my anthropology paper on Shinto! Yea! Unfreakin believable! I'd like to thank all the little people I squashed on my way up here!
Now you're all thinking...Is she kidding? Am I? It's a mystery.
Oh...by the way...Heidi, at least I don't knock myself out when I run. Ha.
Joke of the wheneverIfeellikeit:
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilot: Something loose in cockpit. Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.
Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield. Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.
Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Engineers: Evidence removed.
Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud. Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.
Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.
Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield. Engineers: Suspect you're right.
Pilot: Number 3 engine missing. Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilot: Aircraft handles funny. Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Pilot: Target radar hums. Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Pilot: Mouse in cockpit. Engineers: Cat installed.
Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Engineers: Took hammer away from midget
Have a ripping good day!

Holiday Weekend

2008-09-01T13:53:00.000-07:00

I'd like to wish a very happy birthday to my sister in law Jamie, and a happy birthday to my niece, Sarah. Sarah is a vivacious ten year old, a real cutie with ton of brains and personality. Congratulations to you both!

I'd also like to thank the people who actually read this fluff and grace it with your humorous comments. All except that small-brained-over-chested Heidi. Push me again, you beech, and I'll get medieval on you!

Brahahaha!!

For those you you who don't know, which is pretty much everyone else, beech is the official nickname that Heidi and I have for each other, since it would be a bit inappropriate for us to swear at one another constantly. Not like that stops us of anything (you whore-sack, Heidi).

Sooooo....Who wants to know Heidi's real name? I swear I'll do it, beech!

I've decided, due to the overwhelming response of people encouraging me to write again (Not! Thanks for nuthin, people!), that maybe I'll write again this week. And maybe I'll find funny quote to put on this blog. I know you're dying to read it, people!

I had to go to my father-in-laws and listen to his Obama-supporting craaaaaaap. Crap. It's crap. Did I mention it's crap? Cause it's crap. Horray for Republicans!

Is everyone getting the gist that I'm conservative? Cause I am. I would have preferred Romney, but I guess McCain will have to do. Even if he is a bit wishy-washy with his policies.

Ok, here is the part everyone has been waiting for: The joke of the wheneverIfeellikeit:

Once there was a University of Utah student and Brigham Young University student, walking down the beach (No, Heidi, not you. Calm yourself before you wet yourself). The students found a pretty bottle and fought over out. Out came a genie. The genie said, "Since you both had the bottle, you both get a wish." "Ooo, me first!" the Y student exclaimed. "I want you to build a wall all around Happy Valley (Provo, UT), so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." "Done," the genie said, snapping his fingers. "Wait a second," the U student said. "Nothing can get in, and nothing can out, right?" "Right!" the genie said. "Okay," the U student said with a smug smile. "Fill it with water."

I dedicate that one to my father, a proud graduate, with masters, from BYU.

Evanesence

2008-08-29T10:01:00.000-07:00

Evanescence has been blaring in my car for the past couple of weeks. It's the main music I sing karaoke to when I want to STONE. Oops, mean ROCK. Can I hear a hell yea for Amy?
HELL YEA (hell yea, hell yea...)
The term mechanical utopia was the freakin best in my history class! Everyone else's terms were lame. Not that I have room to talk...my daddy gave me that term. The only problem my professor had with it was that it was two words instead of one. Picky, picky! It was still the best.
I have to go and buy a lame-ass book called Religion, Magic and Witchcraft. I don't want to read no stinkin witchcraft! I'll go join Wicca, sacrafice chickens and hump trees if I want to learn magic and witchcraft. I hope I offended someone. Magic and witchcraft are stupid.
Here are my jokes of the wheneverIfeellikeit: Enjoy!
These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
_________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
_________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Whadayaknow? I'll pass college!

2008-08-28T15:34:00.000-07:00

Sooooooooooo............
Right when you think you will have a difficult time in college, your daddy comes along and helps out. You know how industrialization describes an economy going from being agricultural to being industrial? I needed to come up with a term to describe idustrialism, which described the thought processes of people going through industrization. So my brilliant daddy told me MECHANIZED UTOPIA (Duh duh duuuummmm...), because everyone thought that industry would solve all of their problems. All, the joys of being a child of a smart father. Of course, I spoke with my husband afterwards and he suggested the same term.
TWO smart people.
Lucky me!
I emailed Ernest, the history professor, and he told me it was a good term and to explain it in front of the class. Great. Now I have to fake that I know what I'm talking about!
Now I know what a college professor or a librarian feels like....Hahaha. Just kidding Dad/Eric.
I'd like to take a moment to brag about my wicked awesome hubbie. He treats me like a princess. I'm so lucky! A word to all of you single chicks out there: DON'T SETTLE.
I know I didn't.
Now..........I need help from all of you. PLEASE give me a pep talk that will help me keep writing! I know you can do it! It's easy! It starts like this:
Rabbit, no, squirrel, no, hampster, no, deer...Yea! That's it!
Dear Lacey,

You are so unfreaking believably smart, it hurts to be you. I know you can write, so get to it!

That's a great start. Get cracking, people!

A Week Into School...

2008-08-27T10:17:00.000-07:00

Hey Everybody! This is my first blog ever! Now people get to pretend like they care about my life! Brahahahhahahahahahahha!
.....
A little too much? Remember, this is me you're talking about!
So, I have been in a college at Salt Lake Community College for a week now. I really like it, but it's hard work! I finished my first essay on Shinto (the main religion of Japan, not to be confused with Buddhism) the first day it was assigned. Am I a geek or what?
...I'm going with what.
Anywho, I sent it to the professor, James, and he only had one suggestion! Yea! And I honestly thought it was crap. I'm REALLY self-conscious about my writing.
Yea, yea, I'm sure it's really fine and all, but you try writing a book.
Yes, folks, I WAS working on a book called Fight Name. It's a vampire book. I stopped writing a little while ago. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's writer's cramp. Maybe I realized it's not going to be published. I think with the right kind of help, like a really good editor, it could go somewhere. I think I'll write quote from it on this blog in the future. Tell me is you want it, folks!
Parents, I'm sorry, but I won't guarantee that it's going to be the cleanest book. Being Mormon and all, I promise that it will be rated PG-13 and less, but that's all. No rated R, pornographic crap in MY book!
I think one of the hardest things about writing is that I try to keep it funny. And I am funny, dammit! It's just difficult to do.
Ooo, ooo, here is the joke of the day/whenverIfeellikeit: If pro is the opposite of con, then what's the opposite of progress? Congress! Hardee-freakin-har, I'm funny!
Write to me, folks, and tell me how much you enjoyed this!